Ain't talking

New home

2010-07-04T23:52:00.002+01:00

From now on I'm going to be blogging here

The White Stripes The Denial Twist

2010-06-22T22:34:00.000+01:00

Complicated

2010-06-03T22:16:00.003+01:00

"You desired my attention
but denied my affections"

Yes, because I wanted you to stay the fuck away from my heart!

Ireland's drug policy is pure hipocracy

2010-05-26T00:05:00.000+01:00

For the last couple of years the so called head shops have been supplying Irish people with all sorts of "legal highs". The recession might have hit many businesses but these little nests of controversy kept flourishing. That was until a couple of weeks back when the government panic-banned pretty much all the products they were selling.

I'm not a great supporter of any substance that hasn't gone through a series of clinical trials to determine what exactly it does to people. Some of the legal highs were probably pretty harmless and didn't (for a mentally well-balanced) have any negative effects when used in moderation. Yet I didn't like the fact that you really didn't know what was in all that stuff.

Another legal "high" our society has grown to accept is of course alcohol. There has been numerous studies on short and long-term effects, studies which have seldom come out with anything positive. A mentally and physically healthy adult can "enjoy" the effects of alcohol without it resulting in any serious damage when used in moderation.

Yet we have many people out there who constantly misuse alcohol and who probably shouldn't be touching it at all. Some of these people probably have to take advantage of tax money in treating their addiction but the government won't do anything about the problem of alcohol because a) there would be an uproar if they banned it and b) they get a HUGE amount of tax revenue from alcohol sales.

These head shops were actually making a difference in the Irish drug culture. People who might have given their money to the drug lords instead opted for the legal and safer way. They paid VAT while doing this. Since the ban, there is absolutely zero VAT money coming from the sale of highs and the real drug gangsters must be loving the government.

As I said before, I'm not really on for this synthetic crap that head shops sold. If the government was wise, they would legalise drugs like cannabis and collect a huge amount of tax revenue from all the sales. They would significantly reduce the power of criminals in the drug business and probably attract some much needed tourism. It goes without saying that new government-controlled growing farms would create more jobs and that by growing the stuff themselves, the government could do some proper quality control.

Yes, some people would not be able to control themselves and know their limits but there are all sorts of ways to monitor and hand our "doses" rather than unlimited amounts of drugs. Plus with all that revenue coming in, they can afford to treat these few who couldn't handle it.

An adult who knows their limits and know how much or little (or none at all) drugs they can safely consume should not be penalised because some others might not be capable of the same thing. In these recession times, the government should be taking some calculated risks to lift this country from the mess they created.

Creepy

2010-04-05T01:55:00.001+01:00

Recently an anonymous someone approached me via text message to inform me about something.

At first I thought it was some sort of a joke or prank.

I still haven't established whether the stuff this person is telling me is true or not.

But I now know that someone's been watching me for quite a while...

Hard to be smart

2010-04-01T17:50:00.000+01:00

For a while I have been feeling pretty frustrated and bored when having to deal with people. Without sounding like a complete dick, I'm sick of listening to uninteresting, irrelevant shit about whatever their little world revolves around. I used to have patience, understanding and sympathy for these type of people but now I've just stopped listening.

I'm not saying I'm always telling witty or intelligent stories. I'm not some sort of genius either. I don't think that to be smart, you'll have to only go on about intriguing stuff. But when after some co-existing, there appears to be nothing of any interest coming out of someone's mouth, something that has zero to do with superficial shit or relationship drama, one wonders if there is anything to this person at all. If someone never talks about their opinions on things that really matter but have about 3 hours on hair spray or football, I can't help but to lose interest.

What annoys me even more are people who cannot understand that some people actually think about shit. These are the ones who will at first sign of any intelligent conversation say something like "Oh, I don't want to talk about that genius stuff" or "I just can't be bothered to think about that stuff". They'd rather talk about Beyonce for the rest of their lives than at least the odd time share their thoughts on real things like science or philosophy.

Me and R watched this documentary about this highly intelligent guy who also has pretty crazy OCD. After watching it we were discussing how intelligent people are kind of like autistic people in that they are extremely good at one thing but lack knowledge or skills in others. It appears that the brain is like a processor, shutting down areas which are of no use to the person but which can sometimes be reactivated through practice.

I guess my brain has Beyonce on stand-by.

Compliments

2010-03-31T22:49:00.002+01:00

P: You are probably one of the toughest and most stoic persons I've ever met.

M: Why thank you. Obviously I will have to suppress any pleasure that statement might have given.

P: And that is exactly why I like you, hahahah

I really have to applaud Louis Walsh...

2010-03-30T01:21:00.001+01:00

For coming up with this shit

On religion

2010-03-28T23:17:00.001+01:00

First of all, let me explain my thoughts on religion and spirituality. I don't believe in god(s), I don't believe that there is anything supernatural hovering over us and that we go anywhere after death. I think Richard Dawkins is a complete dick but at least he makes sense. I'm very much against religious institutions, state religion, teaching religion lessons of any sort to children and the molly cuddling of religious people in the society.

Contrary to what many may think, I actually grew up in fairly religious surroundings. My grand dad is a vicar and as I spent a lot of time around him, was obviously subject to a good bit of religious tradition. My mother was a slightly more modern Christian and she never really made me or my brother do anything religious.

I've always been a fairly logical person. When I was younger I remember being scared of monsters when the lights in my room were turned off but I could often reason to myself that as I had never seen monsters and my parents told me there were none, there was a pretty good chance that they didn't exist. When I was around six I decided that this was to be the same about God. When I was a teenager, I learned about other religions but they did not convince me either.

A couple of weeks ago a conversation took place between myself and a couple of other people. Most of these people had previously put forward their anti-religious views. As with myself they disliked religion having such a high status in society but also nearly despised people who were religious. One of them had later changed their mind and recognised some situations (eg. war) in which religion might be beneficial for the welfare of people.

As I stated earlier, religion is really not my cup of tea and IMO should not be of any reasonable person's either. I find it very hard to interact with people who believe in all sorts of toothfairy like creatures with absolutely no unbiased, scientific evidence to support their claims. Would you trust me if I went about believing that leprechauns existed and should be worshipped?

Having said that, I have seen faith change people's lives and make things better for them, not due to some magical power from up above but the fact that they got their life back on track because they had faith even if it was to a non-existent creature(s). I've seen people survive through rough times because they had their faith. I've seen something positive come out of it.

Yeah so that's all nice and dandy for those people. If it works for you, it works for you. One might even say that who am I to tell what people should do to survive or be happy.

What I don't accept in this whole thinking is the fact that it trains people to be weak. If you have to hold on to some sort of supernatural creature you haven't seen (that you can scientifically prove), you have a problem. If you can't handle unhappiness without talking to this creature and not, say, a real person, you have a problem. If you are afraid of dying so much that you sign up for religion, well, that's just a bit pathetic.

The worst part of all this is of course the fact that children all over the world are brought up to trust in the same bs as their parents. No wonder there are so many absolutely useless people out there.

If you are offended by what I've just written, please do not contact me, I really don't care for your religious views and conversion attempts. If you have some sort of interesting point to make about the actual point of this post, feel free to elaborate.

What I am

2010-03-20T23:46:00.001Z

Perception can be a bitch. Some days I swear I'd pay good money not to be constantly so aware of things and characteristics of people, not so much because they annoy me but more so because these things make living in my own self so bloody difficult. On other days I'm glad I'm not one of those clueless ones around me.

We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Most people can attempt to enhance their good sides and work to reduce the effect of the bad ones yet so many are completely unaware of themselves. They have absolutely no clue as to how others perceive them and thus can do nothing about it.

Throughout my life I've seen people who were weak in one way or the other. I was forced to interact with some of these people and as some weaknesses are more profound than others, they had an effect on me. If I was unable to do anything about the situation (ie. go away, force the person to stop etc), I started to act quite the opposite way myself. I decided that I would never be one of those people who argue all the time/burden others with all their worries/talk too much/cling to others etc...

Instead of having just a little voice at the back of my head reminding me not to overdo shit, I completely abandoned the kind of behaviour I loathed so much. I stopped talking about my shit because I hated it when others did it constantly. I stopped asking for help even when I was in a train wreck mode because I hated the way people were so weak and clingy. I stopped letting people near me because I was sick of having to endure the aftermaths of other people's broken relationships.

It wasn't always easy. It still isn't. I am too weak and slip of my master plan every now and then. I sometimes even live through periods of doubt and wonder if I really should dictate my letting emotions out at all. I've even been a happy emotional burden at times.

I always return to my old habits. Sometimes people or situations remind me of the necessity for these precautions, sometimes I just get so ashamed of myself and the way I've started to turn into those people who I can't bare.

Doing this is difficult sometimes. When times are hard I keep reminding myself that I'm the only one who I can really trust and risking shit even if it brought some temporary happiness would eventually lead to some horrible unhappiness and when I count the prize of both scenarios, it's pretty clear which side wins. And anyway, I'm pretty good at all this now, and can get the best of both worlds without people even realising that they know very little about what is actually going on in my head.

So yeah, it's pretty crazy I guess. I guess I'm even crazier as I kind of enjoy all this control. I know that in pretty much any scenario I can undercut the amount of misery when others will fall so hard. That's just what I am.

My weakness is the need to control the amount of information available for people perceiving me. And let me tell you, you don't know shit.

Worry

2010-02-18T19:05:00.000Z

Something has been bothering me.

I might have uncovered something.

This something is not good.

There's very little I can do about this something.

I'll let this something be...

...for now

You know you've been in Recession Ireland for too long when...

2010-01-22T14:31:00.001Z

The media has been screaming about the young Irish leaving the country and Eire potentially losing a whole generation. In the past couple of weeks the highest search engine entry leading here has been the one describing the ways foreigners would know they've become accustomed to this place. Recently, it seems, a lot of Irish people are wondering if they've been here for too long...

So the public shall get what it wants:

You know you've been in Recession Ireland for too long when...

- When comparing supermarket receipts and queueing outside Lidl at 6am just to get a €1 special offer pack of sausages, is the meaning of life for you.

- You've substituted that ridiculously expensive bottle of wine with a liquid used for cleaning floors

- Your educated opinion of the current political atmosphere boils down to 'they are all bastards'

- You have fallen out with all of your friends working for the opposite sector and think public/private workers should be all slaughtered just so you can keep another per cent of your wages.

- You are scared to tell your friends that you are going on holidays to Brittas Bay, in case they get jealous.

- Your children are completely out of control due to not getting their weekly €100 toys, and you realise that now you actually have to spend time with them!

- You got yourself a new phone number just so you don't have to talk to all the people looking for money for your bills.

- You plan on telling your future grandchildren about the good old days when champagne was considered breakfast and cocaine lunch

Glass is empty

2010-01-19T02:43:00.000Z

I've been dwelling in this odd cynicism for the last couple of weeks.

A couple of years back I was going through a similar period. Something bad happened and I was rightly not trusting anyone around me (you know those gossip hungry no goods). After I got back on my feet I decided not to give a shit about anything. I was the lonely rider and didn't care about anyone getting on my way. I guess you could call it some sort of iron wall syndrome or something. Gradually I grew out of it. Now I seem to feel the same again.

When I was fresh out of high school I was going through a slightly different period of cynicism. I had no trouble trusting people (well at least as much as they were rationally worth it) but being around people made me very frustrated. Apart from a few close friends and some family members, I could not stand being around anyone. Anything any of these people said made me think how stupid and irrelevant their input was. Everything was really boring and I often found myself wanting to go home cuz at least then I wouldn't have to listen to all that nonsense. Now I seem to feel the same again.

I'm getting to the point in which I start to act a little crazy due to all this frustration. I crave for more likeminded people but while attempting to find them, I end up revealing all their faults, at least to me. It irritates me even more.

Chance

2009-12-03T02:16:00.000Z

Do you know someone who has had too many chances of putting things right but has continuously declined to? Someone who doesn't let go of the pride holding him/her back.

My mom has been guild tripping me to reunite with someone like this. I can see that she wants to make things better before it's too late.

She doesn't understand that this person has contributed absolutely nothing to our relationship since donkey's years ago.

I sometimes wonder if I will regret blocking this person when he is gone. I wonder if I should let go of all the things that were said and done. I wonder if things would be better and forgotten.

But when I have swallowed my pride and put the cat on the table myself and only got pathetic answers in return, do I really want this person in my life? Everyone gets a chance, most people get two but this person has continuously ignored or laughed at this situation. Why would I bother?

Why should I be the adult when he has had so much more time to act like one?

The annual fashion observation post

2009-11-27T19:12:00.000Z

I'm not big into following fashion and trends. Whenever I see something I like, trendy or not, or when I need something I buy it. My outfits could be described as conservative.

I also don't really care what my friends/boyfriend wear(s). I do admire people who look really nice and use the proper accessories etc but I really could not be bothered to spend more than 3 minutes each morning picking up different outfits. Call me boring, I don't care.

There are however certain things that just make me gag. Some of these things only annoy me if the person in question is my partner, some of them are universal.

Guys:

1. If you are not fifty, please don't dress like one. I went out with a guy who probably would have been thrilled to inherit my dad's wardrobe.

2. Smart casual. Guys wearing a V-neck sweater and a shirt when they are not working. Immediately makes me think that they have no personality and that they let their moms/girlfriends dress them up.

3. Cliche outfits. Emos wearing nothing but Deftones t-shirts, black pants and black make-up. The reason: no matter how quirky they might look, they often lack in personality.

4. Groomed men. Men need to be a bit scruffy, a bit masculine. Someone who spends more time getting ready in the morning than I do, has a serious problem.

5. Camp straight guys. It's confusing (are they gay or what??!!) and it just looks fucking ridiculous.

6. Designer obsessed. I don't give a shit what it says in your shirt. Shows a great deal of superficiality. Laughable.

7. Tracksuits, sports gear. If you are not doing any sports or lazying around at home, why wear shit like that? Also for all the scum bags out there: wearing a cap only halfway makes you look stupid and the greasy hair peeking out makes me want to vomit.

Girls

1. Wonder why guys think you are a slapper? Wearing a gold minidress with stripper shoes might be a clue to this big mystery. Although the no.7 in guys section will absolutely LOVE you. Often accompanied with so much make-up no one would recognise you if you went out without

2. Fashion freaks. Every now and then the fashion designers really get it wrong. Why do you follow blindly? Indicates a lack of personality and opinion.

3. Cliche outfits. As with guys.

4. Princesses. Wearing pink is ok. Wearing cream cake skirts with tiaras etc makes you look like a fucking 12 year old. Don't expect anyone proper to ever talk to you.

5. The "I don't give a shit"-look. People who try to be casual about their clothes but anyone can see they got up at 5am to make it "just perfect".

A Bad Day

2009-11-03T23:23:00.000Z

Seeing as no one is listening:

FUCK

Spending spree vs. penny pinching

2009-10-24T00:16:00.007+01:00

I was reading a blog written by a Finnish guy who used to live in Ireland. He wrote a lot about country image and marketing but also how different countries have different mentalities. (And of course I forgot where this blog may be)

Even though I dislike a lot of the things about the Finnish way of living, I do miss the penny-pinching ideology in a way. It enables the creation of so many new ideas and even though I have done my share of turning old things to new, more useful items, I admire the recycled master pieces some of my fellow Finns keep making.

In Ireland this sort of culture is pretty minimal. Only now (with the recession) people are turning back towards 'tuning' new things from old, second hand shops and creating their own clothes, art and groceries. But still I often get an odd look if I knit on the bus. As often I get people pointing out to me how rare the skill is that I possess.

On my spending spree wish list

There is a downside to this Finnish way though. Every time I go home I get annoyed with people taking the penny-pinching to the max and refuse to (even on special occasions) let go of their habits. I dislike the way my friends, even the ones who work full-time, buy a cheap bottle of wine to drink before going out and then when we enter a pub, keep drinking ice water for the rest of the night. Finns really are gods of ruining the buzz.

I myself seem to be balancing between these two things. On one hand I hate the Irish way of wasting things (food being the prime example) but I also hate the fact that my well off relatives find it impossible to enjoy the fruits of their hard work.

My attempt in crafts

P.S: I want to make LP bracelets and prints next!

Confessions

2009-10-19T02:33:00.002+01:00

I was tagged and I'm bored

5 things you might have not known about me:

1. I dislike Finland and most Finnish people, yet I am glad I'm not Irish and proud of some of my Finnish traits.

2. The idea of there not being a superior being/after life makes me happy

3. I use to wear glasses (many many moons ago)

4. Most of my family members are highly spiritual/religious but I am not

5. My father and my doctor were convinced that I had an eating disorder... and HONESTLY I didn't...great excuse for eating more ice cream!

The Truth

2009-10-14T13:14:00.002+01:00

This thing was inspired by a competition one of my family members was holding. The task was to write about our great grandmother who would have been hundred years old this month and then other family members would vote for the best.

My input was obviously too unflattering to ever end up on the webpage. But censorship only reaches out to the domains they own…

I’m way too young to remember my great grandmother; in fact I think she passed away several years before I was even thought about. Hence I can only imagine what she was like; put together with the little information I have been told over the years.

My great grandmother was a hardworking and traditional Finnish housewife. On top of her numerous children, she also adopted an orphan ignoring the fact that she was struggling to feed her own, let alone someone else’s kids. She married my great grandfather, who was born blind and remained so for all of his life. These facts seem to suggest that she was a loving and sympathetic woman who extended her love for those who had nothing.

While she probably kept the family together with a padded version of an iron fist, not much can be said about the people who were supposed to continue her legacy. If she was ever to return to see how we were getting on, she would be utterly appalled.

While most people have managed to break out from poverty and the constant worry over money, few have found themselves carrying on any of her sympathy. The large family she left behind and which kept extending long after she had passed away has disintegrated.

“What do you mean?” I hear the loudest crying out now. And yes, I am dying to give you some very cruel details of people doing horrible things to others in this family but I will most likely be excommunicated. I too am as greedy and soulless that I want to keep that very weak thread around our petty family, for my inheritance sake.

But without going into TOO much detail I can point out the things that are laid right before your eyes. For years, one of the oldest members of this family has been completely ignored. This seems to be due to a certain problem she has. Her direct family can’t seem to put up with her behaviour. Fair enough. However if they had bothered to investigate this matter a little closer, they would have found that her problems are directly linked to loneliness and the fact that no one seems to go over and visit.

These people who quietly judge her behaviour have in the mean time extended their “give hassle and I’m gone”-attitude to their children. With few exceptions, we find ourselves looking at people who have literally abandoned their offspring due failed marriages and teenage trouble. Some of these people have moved on and accepted that their parents have emotionally discontinued the relationship; some have crept through the darkest holes and fortunately found some new people to rely on.

There will be a time when we all get old and when everyone else has passed away. It is then when the spark for reviving these broken strings comes back to life. And that is when you find that you are the despised, lonely and troubled person you had ignored for most of your adult life. And believe me, no one is coming to save you.

No News for Now

2009-06-07T23:12:00.000+01:00

Selected friends can check out the Toast coverage. Apart from that it's nada

Not solo

2009-05-18T22:03:00.003+01:00

Things have really not been good lately. Certain people have made my life very unbearable and just when I think everything is sorted, it all falls apart.

Thanks so much for listening last night even if I was hysterical, over-dramatic and completely out of control of my head. It really helped to know that I'm not completely screwed and on my own with all this. I'll not forget this.

Promises

2009-05-17T18:43:00.004+01:00

Nothing pisses me off more than people who constantly make false promises.

The ultimate #1 though are the ones who make promises and then later claim the discussion never took place, leaving me in tricky situations.

I foolishly relied on a promise and didn't do X. Now it seems that I have imagined this conversation and due to time issues cannot do X which would have saved my ass in this case.

Unfortunately for these people, I ALWAYS have a plan B.

You fuck my shit up, I'll fuck yours right back, asswipe

Your shit never changes

2009-05-12T12:45:00.003+01:00

It is kind of amusing that you still find the time and motivation to bullshit about me. What makes it desperate is the fact that no one seems to believe you, or they come straight up to me to reveal all your nonsense.

You probably don't remember but this is quite what I predicted back then. Remember when I said you'd still be your old sad self, seeking for any attention you can get. I nearly feel sorry for you, you're so pathetic.

I also know you have been reading this site for a while now. I find it quite weird that you spend so much time on it to be honest. But unlike you I have nothing to hide, you however should learn how to read properly before you go around telling shit to people.

I heard you were bitter due to my unwillingness to waste my time on you. I heard your "analysis" of why things went the way they did. People must be sick of hearing about me at this stage.

Please tell your people I don't really care to hear what crap your spreading around this time. I told mine not to bother with you long ago.

Today last year

2009-05-10T01:00:00.000+01:00

A year ago I started to realise what a horrible mistake I had made. Stupidly it took me another couple of months to solve it all.

A year ago I was happy I had a friend who didn't give a shit when they were all against me (miss you, come back)

A year ago it was sunny and I was having a good time.

A year ago I received proof that I was right about something in the past and relieved I made the right decision.

A year ago I met you for the first time.

Oops, I might have done it again

2009-05-09T22:37:00.002+01:00

Some old ghosts appearing, I can usually avoid being persuated into their wicked ways.

I should probably do something about it but it's too tempting.

I know you're not reading this dad but if you did, I'd say you were right back then. I know I laughed at you but you were right about it all along. And it seems it's back again.

Weeds, the reality version

2009-05-09T12:55:00.001+01:00

She obviously did not watch the show carefully enough!

Today

2009-05-06T23:58:00.002+01:00

...I wandered to a web page and read something very sad. Then I realised that this someone who wrote it, is someone I know. Maybe Parmenides was right after all, things just never seem to change. It makes me sad.

Super Fast Melt Down

2009-05-06T00:38:00.002+01:00

Everything seems a little overwhelming right now. It's race against time with pretty much everything. Hope I'll manage to keep it together

Finns, oh the Finns

2009-05-03T21:38:00.002+01:00

I just got another reason to conclude that some Finns seem to lack sense of humour and take every little joke directed to their belongings seriously

It really is so silly that I won't even bother telling it here.

On a brighter note

2009-05-03T02:54:00.001+01:00

I got asked to write something. More of that later, possibly

Kamala

2009-05-03T02:42:00.003+01:00

Expectations.

Sigh.

When you're told a certain thing too many times but in your own opinion it's not quite true or you dont quite fulfil this legacy, things get tricky.

One wonders if it's just insecurity or if it's true. Things would be so much simpler if it was the former. In the case of later, things get tricky.

Then it's like a time bomb waiting to explode. And when it does, one is not sure how much there is left of anything. And that's when things get really tricky.

Asking doesn't help. The answer offered brings the issue to no conclusion. Just uncertainty. The god damn uncertainty.

The armageddon has happened before. The bright side, I guess, is that it was the end but not the complete end. But every time it gets harder. Just goes to prove that in the end, we're all very alone.

Swine Flu

2009-05-01T23:02:00.003+01:00

Let's not go down this road, Finland

2009-04-29T00:17:00.007+01:00

I was reading the news on MTV3 and discovered that the Orthodox pastor Father Mitro has apparently been planning on running for a seat in the soon to be held EU-elections. However his church recently held a meeting during which it criticised Mitro's actions and will decide whether or not to let him go for it in the near future. In the interview, he confessed how shocked he was about this criticism and that he really couldn't understand it.

For those of you who do not know him, Father Mitro is a very public figure of the orthodox church and is often quoted in matters of religion and social issues. I have actually met him once at a christening and have always thought that he was a very warm and pleasant man.

Despite of that, I now have to confess myself, that I was shocked to hear him going for it in the first place. Yes, he is someone who has been influencing a lot of the religious life in Finland. He is most likely a good and honest man. But there is a conflict between what he represents now and what he would like to represent in the future. He stands before such ridiculous values (those of his church's) which I and a whole lot of other freedom loving Finns would not like to enforce.

Again, I have a lot of faith (no pun intended :)) in his abilities to do the job. With a lot of issues he might be solving, he would probably do a good job. But he is a man who devoted his life to religion, and frankly to something that makes very little sense. He will obviously be influenced by these beliefs that he holds. It will interfere with his decision-making.

Now why can't a christian person run for a seat then? Of course they can and have done. But father Mitro is a priest of a minority church. I have no objection to, say a muslim running for the same seat but I would not approve of him trying to enforce the Sharia law when he is holding a seat of a country in which it is not the will of the majority. Same thing with Mitro. He would take advantage of his celebrity image and probably win a seat but if he was just an average orthodox man, he would probably not be elected due to people not sharing his values!

And in the end, as much as I can feel his desire to make a difference, by getting into politics, he is sacraficing his duties as a churchman to his people and even though I personally don't think his guidance is needed, he devoted his life to this sort of thing and unless he decides to leave the church, he has no business in the elections.

#@@!$!%

2009-04-18T18:33:00.005+01:00

As the title suggests, I'm pissed off again. Unfortunately this place will again have to be the outlet for all this fucking ridiculous retardness.

It just seems that every single fucking time I get my shit together something new pops up. EVERY FUCKING TIME!!! This time the shit sent me straight to hell and while I was on my way home after this particular incident, I prayed no one would start to talk to me cuz I probably would have killed them right there and then.

FOR FUCKING 8 MONTHS I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR CERTAIN PEOPLE TO DO WHAT THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BY LAW! Finally I was promised that shit will be sorted by this weekend. So I go my merry way and think everything's gonna be ok.

And then...

NOTHING.

ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING DONE ABOUT IT.

WTF!!!!!!

The best part however is the aftermath. It's seldom that I totally lose it. This time was one of them. I must have pretty much used all the insults I have ever learned in both lingos respectively. I pretty much threatened to sue. I don't know how I managed to stop myself from physically harming this person. The fucking adrenalin rushing through me at that moment would have easily made me explode like a nuclear bomb.

There there, some would say now. It's not the end of the world. Damn fucking right it is not. But it fucking pisses me off I get fucked left, right and centre ALL THE FUCKING TIME! It is inconvenient to say the least, let alone putting me through more drama trying to sort the shit out caused by someone else's utter and disgusting lazyness. After fucking everything I have done to help when times were rough and all I get is more SHIT.

Sigh.

Right, better get on with this shit again I guess. Some day I'll just stop trying.

The Things The Way They Are

2009-04-12T00:42:00.003+01:00

So yeah, some banter tonight and some sensible chat too. A few scoops of the joy juice and a few good turn ons.

Recession - We, the foreigners, officially think that you Irish people are to blame for your own recession. The Americans helped a little bit but why were you so stupid to max your credit cards and buy a house in Sligo for half a million. Cope on, you can't blame anyone else for your stupidity

Energy sufficiency etc - build your house in a proper way and you shall save millions on electricity...or solar power...or something...anyway, remember to hire the last remaining Polish builders to do the job.

Bad Karma - Yes, bitching is due every now and then so sue me.

The why why why - frustration and completion. Not easy to be the second best I guess. Fuck it anyway

Motivation issues

2009-04-06T15:16:00.004+01:00

Things that I should be doing:

Reading 'The Mystery of Edwin Drood'
Writing my reading journal
Going through source material for my two philosophy essays
Getting ready for my Fall of Athens exam
Catching up with Literary Genre stuff

And all I want to do is to drink coffee, read shit on the Internet, watch TV, smoke and sleep.

Someone needs to give me a good kick.

The Making of a Finn abroad

2009-04-05T21:08:00.003+01:00

While working on Friday I learned that a Finnish girl is due to arrive to my neighbourhood pretty soon. The big change which is ahead for her made me get all nostalgic and think about all those things that were surprisingly easy or difficult when I first came here and how the significance of those things has changed.

For me, leaving Finland was pretty easy. To be honest I could not wait to get out of there and was determined to cope and intergrate. I was aware that things might not work out or I might be very lonely but that certainly did not stop me.

Probably one of the hardest things was to open up to a completely different culture. Me and certainly a whole lot of other Finns can be very quiet and private in comparison to the foreigners. It wasn't so much that I didn't cope with it, it was harder for the people around me. They did not understand where I was coming from and took me as a bit rude and depressed in some way.

Another thing which caused some hassle was the different mentality. People seldom keep their promises around here and it took some practice to know when something was actually gonna happen or when people were just saying shit. Also the lack of order in a lot of things was overwhelming.

These days those things are not quite so difficult. I have changed and people around me have got used to my personality. I doubt I would have wanted to stay if I hadn't been so determined to change and adapt. That is not the case with a lot of other Finns I know around here.

To me the change has been so significant that I feel like an outsider whenever I go back home to Finland these days. I seem to have lost my copy of the Social Conduct. I don't think I'm very Irish either but some sort of odd mixture. Not being (mentally) from anywhere makes me happy, it means I'm not stuck here or anywhere.

Language crisis

2009-04-02T14:55:00.003+01:00

Grammar police in action

Last night I had the ever so delightful task of writing a letter to the Finnish social welfare office. While the issue was pretty straightforward, the task wasn't. This time it wasn't the bureacracy that was killing me but the unability to write in my native lingo! I kept writing and erasing and rewriting but it just seemed to me that I wasn't making any sense. This led to paranoia even with familiar and easy sentences and everything I wrote just sounded...wrong somehow.

I don't get to use much of my terrible Finnish these days. In fact, the only time I use it is the once or twice a month conversation I have with my mom and the odd Finnish friend I talk to on Facebook. I guess it's pretty normal to be out of practice in this situation but what worries me is the longer I refrain from using it on a constant basis, the harder it will be to ever manage to write and speak fluently.

It would be little less painful if my English would have replaced Finnish as the native lingo. But it seems I still struggle with words and grammar and even though I'm well able to survive with the every-day business, I still feel like I'm academically retarded when it comes to language. It's particularly difficult as writing was always my best skill and now it just seems like I can't get it out anymore.

It doesn't help that a lot of my fellow students and even the tutors are not any better. I'd love for someone to look at my essays and correct even the little bit of confusion and error in them but at the present situation I get essays back and even I can find the grammar mistakes that the tutor did not notice. Finland in this aspect is completely different, and I've never met so many people completely ignorant and uninterested in writing the proper way and with proper lingo as I have in here. Academia in here seems to consist of fancy words with stupid apostrophy mistakes in between. They have the likes of Joyce and Yeats in their proud literary history but the modern university student can't even spell 'benefit' correctly.

So how do you expatriats (I know you've been lurking around) manage to cope with the lack of Finnish lingo abroad?

What I thought about today

2009-03-27T16:35:00.009Z

Did I already mention how addicted I am to this webpage ?

The ongoing (never-ending, eternal, pointless?) debate over doing what you enjoy/like versus what is needed. I still can't place myself on either side, I dislike society too much to do what I should as a citizen of the "common good" and I'm scared of not being good enough at what I want to do. I do however dislike the odd, Leviathanesque convo going on in UCD forum on boards.ie.

Descartes' dream argument and the clear and distinct perception. It's pretty clear that one can't logically prove that we are not dreaming (ie. Matrix-like situation). But what if reality is dimensional and what we call dreams and reality are just different levels of existence? Maybe there're other ones too which are as "real" as "reality" but we're currently unable to see/acknowledge them. Even if we're deceived all the time, and say, unable to ever wake up, doesn't that make "reality" as we know it just that? Maybe (and I don't mean destiny as such here, nothing's designed or assigned by any supernatural thing IMO) we are not "meant" to experience this real reality.

Business plans - I sometimes entertain myself (too much bus stop waiting time) with imaginary business plans. How much of the successful profit-making is down to market research? If one had a supernatural ability to know everything about every customer, would it be possible to persuade them to purchase shit all the time, within their budget of course?

Brain manipulation - say we have a hypothetical situation in which we have test subjects (people) and endless resources of experimenting with their brains with no moral dilemmas attached, how far could we (obviously after many failures etc) manipulate and "open" new sorts of abilities. I sometimes think it's a shame all these obviously horrendous people (Hitler etc) who conducted experiments, did not use these opportunities to look into things like these rather than the much more pointless (in scientific terms) ones. It's the possibly hidden "brain power" I'm interested in in a purely scientific way, I do not believe in any of this New Age shit.

Fuck

2009-03-26T00:39:00.001Z

Fucking fuckedy fucking fuck

Too fast

2009-03-22T19:12:00.003Z

Maybe it's the simple life that makes one happy

I've finally admitted my problem of not being able to sit down. Don't get me wrong, I can sit down doing nothing for a whole day but I seem to be unable to relax or leave the worries/tasks/important stuff aside. I keep waking up at ridiculous hours and can't unwind and get back to sleep. I also find it very hard to fall asleep and often stay up half of the night. This inevitably leads to worries etc becoming even more painful in my head.

Everything seems to be on standby. Problems X, Y and Z will be resolved after I've sorted out A, B and C or when N months have passed. The only way I can keep myself sane these days is just telling myself, it'll all be ok when X,Y...

I know I should probably let some of the steam out and talk to someone but even the little bit I do, makes me feel like a piece of shit. I hate being this way when I'm around friends/loved ones. I have enough alone time to be miserable and anxious, why do I have to waste good time for stupid worries. On some days I feel like I'm gonna crack or start to cry for no reason (that could be hormonal too though) but I still feel talking is a waste of time. It never helped before or it doesn't last very long.

It's silly but I even feel stupid about moaning here time after time but I guess it's my blog and I do wahtever the hell I want with it.

It'll all be ok. I hope.

All you need is a little bit of Hotsauce

2009-03-15T20:52:00.003Z

So after not sleeping and having a shit time altogether I finally managed to pull myself up. Not without a little help. It's amazing how after being alone (literally) even a little bit of human contact and care can actually solve a lot. The problems might not have disappeared but the mood has changed and I'm ready to get on with shit.

I forgot to say it to you today but thanks so much for being there. You have no idea how much it means to me.

Alone

2009-03-14T23:59:00.001Z

So the Ph34r...

I have had some conflicts of such in the last few days, some of which include me directly, some of which I have been trying to sort out for other people's sake.

I don't mind being alone. I quite enjoy holding the reins and not letting too many people get on my way but the last few days have proved that no man really is an island.

I have been told. And it hurt. Instead of fighting it I decided, due to circumstances to stay quiet and swallow it. And now it's climbing back up.

I nearly feel like I'm suffocating. This one was too much. I wish someone was there to punch a hole in me and make it all better. But when were simple solutions ever available or as much "fun" as crawling in the mud.

Ph34r

2009-03-13T19:38:00.001Z

Out of the blue, it struck me.

M does not equal E

2009-03-01T19:01:00.004Z

It hasn't been an easy week. While trying to make some sort of sense of the shit I have to study, other things pop out. I guess these things never come in "ones".

I was told something I kind of already knew. Someone felt the need to dig old things up and portray me as some sort of great influence and answer to everything in relation to a certain matter. It was very flattering I guess. Funny no one said anything when it would have actually made a difference. I've no desire to take on old stuff. I'm not the same person anymore as I was back then.

What annoyed me the most was the fact that I was supposingly a subject of some sort but I was treated as if I was an object with no independent will or consideration. Some sort of fifth element, the answer to it all. I was told x, y and z will be done and then it will all be solved and peachy. I felt a mixture of annoyance and pleasure when I said well maybe I don't want/need IT anymore. It was all kind of sweet but at the same time, unnecessary and a bit depressing. This chat actually did the opposite of its initial goal. Not that I needed any reassurance of my decision but it did put the final nail in that coffin, juiced up with some horror imagery of what it would be like if had things gone the other way.

It also made me think of how fragile this circle of events in life is. How much bull shit there is out there and how blind so many (including myself) people are. It gives me great comfort to think that even if I make mistakes, I'm sane and brave enough to go the other way, when I finally do see the true nature of things. But yet I'm scared of the moments to come, when I lose control and forget myself.

It's a bitch to be able to see some bad patterns in people's lives. Not so much because I can't stop them from going round and round but more because it makes me wonder if I'm doing the same without realising.

Anyway.

Two posts in a day, must be serious

2009-02-23T16:36:00.002Z

Oh how I in times like these miss the police state. I'm not quite sure if the events I'm struggling with at present have anything to do with economical down turn (read complete disaster, we're going Iceland here) or whether it really is just another case of the manana attitude.

In Ireland if you're working and paying tax, you can deduct all sorts of things and receive what are known as "tax credits". So with myself having paid rent and medical bills, I thought I'd finally go and claim my money back.

It seems that my employer still hasn't sorted out my tax records for last year and it's bloody February! This basically means I can't claim anything back until I know the exact amount of tax and pay.

Also I'm STILL owed holiday pay from last year after asking her to get it sorted for the last 6 months. I'm seriously considering to ring the revenue and the union and will, if she doesn't do anything very soon. She's sitting on so much of my money, it makes me sick.

Busy

2009-02-23T13:17:00.003Z

Recently I've kept myself busy with these themes:

Richard Dawkins: The Oxford professor has a very amusing but educational channel going. I specificly like the interview with a former member of the exclusive bretheren. She has some pretty sensible arguments about the effect of cult religion in the development of children. The amusing part of the channel are the life in universe lectures given for the child/teenager audience.

Thomas Nagel and "What it's like to be a bat?": Nagel brought out a theory of the mind/body dilemma in the 70s (?). It's a very good read and will definitely make one question about the duality a lot. We had a lot of good arguments against his conclusion as well.

Thucydides and the Peloponnesian War: it is extremely hard not to fall asleep while reading his account of the events but it's amazing to think how old the book is. Thucydides does not escape bias but compared to many other authors of the time, he was able to leave most of his personal opinions out.

Irish history in the 19th c. : The more I read, the less respect I have for the English at the time. I've often criticised the Irish for not having a clear plan on how to do things and how to conduct politics in the past (with the exception of Catholic Emancipation), but the English are getting their fair share of the disapproval the more I read about their bad politics towards the Irish

Bad year

2009-01-29T12:44:00.002Z

It seems that my system still hasn't got used to the weather and what not here. My medicine collection for 2009 is getting pretty impressive after 2 antibiotics for an infection and loads of Lemsip for the two colds I've already had this year.

At the moment I feel ok, apart from the coughing and sneezing but I'm seriously gonna have to find a way to get myself back on track. My stomach feels really raw after digesting all this crap that was, unfortunately, necessary.

This just isn't funny anymore

The "You know you've been in Ireland for too long" thingy

2009-01-26T22:50:00.002Z

Due to endless requests blocking my e-mail I will once again review the strange habits and customs of the Irish.

You know you have been in this country for too long when the following doesn't cause any disturbance or wondering of any sort:

Doors and locks - it's completely normal that your front door opens inwards, not the opposite like in Finland. Also, you might have a huge lock on the door but you could easily remove the hinges with a screwdriver.

Carpets - They are everywhere, you have begun to defend their existence in the bedrooms etc and you're completely ignoring the health risk factor.

Drinking - You're disgusted if the pint you ordered is not so full that you're spilling the drink everywhere. A pub offering only one brand of beer on tap would make you laugh. You now consider jagerbombs cocktails and think people requesting blue lagoons etc, are uptight snobs.

Personality - You no longer think it's weird if a complete stranger starts to talk to you. In fact, if you're trapped in a place with someone else, the silence which didn't bother you before, feels unbearable. You're also able to have lengthy conversations about the weather multiple times during the same day.

Food - Eating fried eggs and bacon for breakfast seems appealing. Lunch consists of sandwiches and crisps and you drink tea with your dinner. You add salt and vinegar to your fries and a batter sausage no longer reminds you of heart attacks.

I might update this at a later stage for your reading pleasure

I love love love Image

2009-01-16T19:27:00.003Z

That freaky looking woman, my dear friends is the latest Finlandia book award winner

Ah the blessed Finnish journalism. I finally took a closer look at the xmas edition of Image. If you can put aside all the obvious elite shite, this piece of printed stuff is bloody genius!

I'm currently writing down a list of all the interesting stuff I found in my beloved Image, music, books and what not. I keep going "ooh aaah" while I look at the state of the art photojournalism in it.

If anyone wants to buy me a subscription, I will love you forever and be your ultimate housewhore for decades. Anyone?

Tricks

2009-01-12T01:59:00.003Z

Going for a cross-country session in the near future..woo

Haven't been on a horse in a while and certainly haven't jumped any cross country in ages. Should be a good laugh. Can't wait!

A solution for the sovereign problem

2009-01-11T00:02:00.002Z

Fucking simple. American Indians. The wisest, oldest and strongest man, who killed the most bears shall rule it all!

Better

2009-01-07T23:39:00.002Z

Things look a bit brighter today. I finally gave in and poured some of this shit on someone else's shoulders and got some moderately good advice in return.

I also had another good conversation which truly made my day. And more to come next week, can't wait!

Trying to organise some photographing stuff too, it's proving difficult. I might just end up doing it at home.

Today has gone by fairly quietly. Watched some nostalgic movies (The Gilbert Grape thing!) and read a bit. Tomorrow will hopefully be a bit more productive.

Need for speed

2009-01-06T16:28:00.003Z

Some things never change. One is my constant need for action. Where as no games make some people dull, what it does to me is the complete opposite. My mind is racing hundred miles an hour, so intense that I'm physically exhausted all the time. During those times, I try to reverse it and tire my physical side so greatly that my mind is unable to keep up. It helps sometimes but it doesn't remove the problem.

There has been way too much time to think about stuff. I feel like I'm at a junction, standing in between two or even three different directions. I've tasted a little of all of them, still unable to pick one. Today I'm going left, tomorrow it could be right.

I'm changing and I'm scared. I don't know what will become of little M. Things could end up amazingly or I could crash and burn. All I can do is wait and see

Cute Swedish song

2008-12-30T18:37:00.001Z

I've been brainwashed!

2008-12-30T18:04:00.004Z

the Christmas lights of the circus town

After my trip to Finland I have

seriously considered colouring my hair darker and getting some crazy hair cut
thought about buying an account on a webpage that streams Finnish TV-shows
rediscovered some Finnish music and films I used to love
understood the true meaning of the word honesty
remembered how it feels like to be really close to someone
ate nothing but rye bread with some crazy cream cheese on it
realised how different I am now than I was when I left Finland...

...and it makes me wonder if I was able to live there again some day.

The Feeeenland Xperience

2008-12-26T10:50:00.003Z

Well well well.

Finland, my dear motherland has been somewhat interesting this year. It seems that since the last time, a lot of my old school mates have settled down (eek), had children (eek) but are otherwise still exactly the same they were before.

I have been nearly able to keep myself from cracking up, but I must admit I seem to be going through some sort of a cultural shock, even though I know how things go here. It's still hard to get used to the uncomfortable modesty, straightforwardness and the polite minding one's own business attitude

I've adapted a tiny bit though. I've relearned not to say hello to people and I didn't think it was too weird that my ex boyfriend pinched my ear while passing by instead of saying hi. After a few fatal incidents I've learned not to joke around as freely, as people here have a completely different sense of humour, so it seems.

It has been good to catch up with people and do absolutely nothing all day. It'll be even better to go back to Ireland, and re-realise that maybe the little shitty green island isn't that bad after all.

You don't know but I don't care

2008-12-20T19:20:00.002Z

I was going to write something here but then I realised I would probably delete it tomorrow. I'm not good with posts made while emotionally affected.

So instead I'm just gonna *sigh* and say fucking hell.

More other stuff soon, I promise.

The nightmare also known as male hormones

2008-12-17T17:23:00.004Z

Warning: contains bad language, bitching and capital letters.

Finally got myself to sort out some unfinished business with a member of the male gender. I wasn't putting it off because it was difficult, but mostly because I didn't really want to discuss with the person in question.

I was delighted to notice that for once it wasn't painful and didn't make me want to strangle you. We had a proper civilized conversation of things that needed to be discussed and I even listened to some of your personal shit while I was at it.

but WHY FFS YOU FUCKING IDIOT ARSEHOLE BASTARD do you then somehow feel that it's appropriate to reapproach me with such UTTER SHIT afterwards. If I'm nice to you for 2 seconds, it doesn't mean I want to sleep with you. I don't really even want to see you, let alone share any "physical affection" with you. Why don't you have a fucking wank or something, and stop pestering every poor female on this globe with your needs. It's annoying, uncomfortable and makes you look like a right idiot.

FUCK OFF YOU SAD DESPERATE CUNT

p.s While you're at it, cut the sensitive shit. It doesn't make you look like a fragile art-y person, all it does is make you look gay, that doesn't seem to be what you desire anyway.

Today's annoyances

2008-12-14T20:33:00.002Z

Expatriats who complain about the country they live in but still decide to stay longer.

"Christmas spirit" and the effect it has on people (and their attitudes which will cleverly change right after the holidays)

Stupid governmental service numbers: please hold while we pretend you don't exists.

Not living closer to town: the village is wrecking my head

Bad fingers

2008-12-13T02:22:00.002Z

I was trying to add something to the post that was here and I somehow accidentally pressed 'delete' instead of 'edit'.

Too lazy to write it down again, so soz

Where do I start, where do I begin?

2008-12-12T04:22:00.004Z

Sigh.

Losing people. Not easy. Don't know what to say.

Showing me something incredible and then going away. Letting me in a little inside information and then going away when I needed you the most. Yes I'm selfish, I never claimed anything else. I need you here. I need the help on my journey to unknown territory.

What can I say. I guess, in the end it was inevitable. Yet I'm still amazed with the weight it struck me with. I guess you can never be prepared enough for these things

Ain't talking, just walking.

I miss you already.

And I didn't ask you why

2008-12-10T06:24:00.005Z

Do you ever get a really strong feeling of connection to random things? Like when you hear a song or read a book or even just meet someone and it just really hits you?

A lot of that has been happening lately. Connections of all sort have been established, on the oddest occasions possible. Some songs, books and conversations with people have really...I don't know, touched me in some way.

Maybe it's the lack of routine and normal every day events, maybe something else. I always doubt these connections, they have failed me so many times before. My circumstances have created this need for something real but in an effort to find it, my mind creates illusions. That's the cynical analysis of it anyway.

Some of these connections have stayed even if I had forgotten them when other things happened. Some of them got milder or are constantly being shaken by disappointment and growing apart. Some still shake me to this day.

Well at least there's something happening. I sometimes feel like the storm is way better than the calm.

Maybe that's why I'm not sleeping

Late/early thoughts

2008-12-08T06:10:00.002Z

I've been attempting to study now for the last hour or so. Descartes can be very draining I tell you.

Something that caught my attention though and which I had discussed with someone not too long ago. Descartes talks about the mind-body dualism which is a very interesting concept. Basically he's saying that the body is linked to the mind but they are not the same etc.

This reminded me of a conversation I had had about existence and out of body experiences. When one "exits" the body, it in a way breaks the boundaries set for human beings. It gives us a new perspective to life. If we go Descarte here, one could say that if our body wasn't so poor and our sensory perception was better, we would be able to understand and to see the universe better than we can know. So therefore, there could be a whole new level of things that we just can't perceive. I guess that's partly why people sometimes see things that are considered not to exists.

I remember perceiving a lot more when I was a child. I remember seeing things that I couldn't explain. Now I was very rational even in my young days, and was never scared of monsters etc because I could reason to myself that they did not exist. I perceived things that I could not understand and had no better knowledge or experience to explain.

Sometimes I wonder if I really did just get wiser or whether I just stopped perceiving these things after I got older, who knows

Mom would not approve

2008-12-08T04:40:00.002Z

It's 4:40am.
I have an exam tomorrow.
I can't sleep.
I'm drinking vodka.
I'm not studying.

More wine tasting

2008-12-05T20:27:00.003Z

"While I enjoyed the 2005 Carmen Cabernet Sauvignon, I didn’t find it quite as exceptional as some other Chilean Cabernets I’ve tried. On the nose it’s cherry, tobacco and currant. It has good concentration on the palate, with cherry, blackberry, and currant. It has very smooth tannins, giving this a nice mouth feel." www.cheapwineratings.com says it all lol

The best of the off-licence for a tenner!

Brainstorm spare time

2008-12-04T19:02:00.008Z

Love the photo, credits to Nisha, link to her other stuff on the side too ->

Facebook can be an evil nostalgia raising monster. Scrolling through the profiles of old class mates, spying what they're up to these days. Came across on of the girls' profiles who was in the same class with me in Junior High. Her last name had changed and the profile was full of wedding photos and what not.

The immediate reaction was 'eek!' The second reaction was pretty much losing all respect for her sensible side. And then I started to wonder.

Another conversation popped into my head. On one occassion I grossly categorized people in to two groups: the ones who do the socially acceptable and desired thing (marriage, mortgage, children), the ones who can't seem to fit into these standards (stay single, don't want kids, live like they were 20 all their lives).

I immediately put her into the former. The cynical being I am, I also stripped her off of any sense or reasoning and doomed her to have a nasty divorce in no time. Nothing personal like, I just think it's stupid to get married for any other than tax or visa reasons, let alone get married when you're in your early twenties. Also, as it has happened so many times, sometimes, as time goes by, these people discover something that this other group has known all along. Maybe this really isn't the thing for me? Maybe I should just cut this social etiquette crap and do what I really want all the time.

In the midst of all this, the girl's imaginary response to my argument enters my thinking. "Some day you'll just want to settle down and have a nice life with someone, who will have you then when you've rejected so many?". For about a minute I actually feel moderately worried about that. Then I remember that I'm only young and anyone I ever spent a little bit of together time with, I would never want to marry or settle down with. I'd rather be alone than put up with their shit every day.

--

I sometimes think my mother worries about me being left alone. It also seems as if she thought I hadn't given the past relationships my everything and that I should have tried harder. She'd by no means want me to get married right now but sometimes I think her biological clock is ticking too, for the grand children. She enquired about the reasons as to why the last relationship ended. I think I gave her pretty valid reasons and came across as someone who had thought about it for a long while before the actual decision.

At first she seemed a bit confused. She didn't seem to understand the reason why I couldn't stay with this nice bloke, who just happened to piss me off so much every time I saw him. Who had been false. Who treated me like I was a child. She started this bull shit about having to put up with the bad sides of a person as well as the good ones. I told her there wasn't really any good ones there and that she'd hardly stay in a situation like that herself if she felt betrayed and undermined all the time. She said nothing. I guess I hit the right spot.

Funnily enough, someone who I at one stage thought I would marry some day (and have since changed my mind, hahah!), is having issues of similar sort. His girlfriend though, does not make him feel sick on a constant basis but he's very set in his ways and is finding it hard to find the common grounds and compromises because of it.

Maybe I'm not alone. Maybe if everything else fails, I should marry him, so we could be socially unacceptable together. Hahah!

--

This is totally the best time to think about things like that.

This cracked me up

2008-12-03T19:40:00.002Z

If not feel well after, get stoned

That's my new philosophy for life.

Busy.

2008-11-29T19:51:00.006Z

After spending a week of writing essays, sleeping or eating only little, I'm still not over the work load. One difficult essay left and instead of putting any effort into doing it, I'm drinking beer and looking at stuff on YouTube.

When I do however get all this done, I can get back to reading my books as my exams will start soon.

Bleh.

Why do I always have loads to do when all I want is to disappear into my own world for a week or two?

I did smile a bit the other day

Some photoshopping

2008-11-26T15:17:00.008Z

I thought I looked like a 5 year old but I was told I instead look like I was hiding something

This one was really underexposed and blurred, but Photoshop made it bloom again.

This was obviously not taken by me but I couldn't resist playing with it anyway

Insomnia medication

2008-11-26T15:14:00.002Z

This is what I was trying last night.

"On the palate this is very successfully pitched, with some elegance and raciness and plenty of tangy freshness. The fruit is succulent and ripe without being too obvious and sweet, and it is a wine that keeps you coming back for another sip."

And, it made me sleep more than four hours!!!

News and what not

2008-11-20T19:23:00.002Z

I booked my flights to Finland. I shall be arriving on 22nd and leaving on the 29th of December. If anyone over there wants to meet up, e-mail or ring me.

In other news, nothing. I've literally been sitting here trying to write essays for the last 5 days. I've two more to go and a group project which I'll hopefully get done this weekend. How pathetic. I need some entertainment soon.

Talking to a friend the other night, the topic of Christmas inevitably came up. As said I'll be doing the family Christmas again which I hate. Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike my family but the minute it's Christmas Eve my mother turns into a lunatic and that lasts up until after New Year's Eve. She loves Christmas and always wants to spend it in the most traditional way ever, where as all I want to do it eat nice food (not Christmas food!, have a couple of drinks and relax. But as it is, I usually end up escaping to one of the many parties held on Christmas Eve by people equally annoyed with the whole thing.

One year I'll just get all my friends together and have that for the whole of Christmas.

Until then I'll have to try and enjoy the usual celebrations. If it wasn't for my mother, I would have probably stayed at home on my own this year. Nothing beats a night when the house is empty and you can lazy around in your pyjamas all day. Maybe next year ;)

I love these lyrics

2008-11-19T19:52:00.001Z

Last night it was so good
I felt like crying, I felt crying
Last night though you looked so cold
I felt like smiling, smiling while I'm dying

Last night looked so good
Felt like crying, felt like crying
Last night though you looked so old
I felt like smiling, smiling while I'm dying

You left me cold, you left me cold
You left me cold, you left me cold
Needles in my eyes won't cripple me tonight alright
Twisting up my mind please pull me through the light alright

Needles in my eyes won't cripple me tonight alright
Twisting up my mind please pull me through the light alright
Last night I dropped my heart and
I never wanna see it again
Getting tighter with you all the time
I think I'm gonna my buckle my spine

I crept in and I stole your mind
I think I'm having trouble with mine
Crept in and I stole your mind
I think I'm having trouble with mine

You left me cold, you left me cold
You left me cold, you left me cold
Needles in my eyes won't cripple me tonight alright
Twisting up my mind please pull me through the light alright
Needles in my eyes won't cripple me tonight alright
Twisting up my mind please pull me through the light alright

The Beta Band - Needles In My Eyes

This one's gone bruise

2008-11-18T02:22:00.002Z

I guess I'm not a complete robot yet.

Upsetting news from a friend, nothing I can say or do.

Remembering my own shit.

Fuck.

2008-11-15T18:35:00.001Z

Bad day

2008-11-15T00:53:00.003Z

Woke up at 11 am feeling like someone had rubbed sand paper against my tongue.
Somehow managed to fuck up my shoulder while lifting stuff.
Spend two hours looking for something which I in the end didn't find.
Managed to half-burn my dinner.
Instead of doing any college stuff I played stupid games on the Internet all day.
Got into an argument with a friend over something stupid.
And now I can't sleep.

How to get rid of the unwanted

2008-11-13T20:30:00.001Z

This is crazy shit

A Softer World

2008-11-13T18:37:00.002Z

I could spend a whole day looking at these

Just a quick update

2008-11-13T00:51:00.005Z

Yeah, so as some of you have not heard of me in a while, here's a quick update.

I'm still in Ireland and for the moment living in the dear old Wicklow. Relocation will happen soon though and I'll return to my roots as a sub-urban girl. This will hopefully allow me to cut down my travelling time to UCD where I'm hopelessly trying to get some sort of a piece of paper to prove I'm somehow academically adequate.

Relationship-wise a lot has happened. I'm not gonna feed your hunger for gossip and will brutally skip the details.

Apart from that there isn't really that much to tell. Hopefully there will be something fun and exciting happening soon.

The new and improved M

2008-11-13T00:33:00.002Z

After blogging here and there I'm making a comeback to Blogger. Here it was where I first started, many many moons ago.

The reason for this yet again new blog is purely to get a fresh start. Sometimes you just need to move on. It's like when you go back and read all your old diaries and they just seem so far off from where you are now and it'd feel ridiculous to try and write in that same book that served you years ago.

Also I'm attempting to melt two blogs into one. A couple of years ago I was writing a Finnish blog and even though this one will mainly be in English, it'll at least give some sort of venue for those who used to read the Finnish one.

Without further due, welcome to another exciting fun adventure, enjoy the ride