Last couple of days have been a challenge. Last Sunday I was somewhat full of energy and ideas but as often is, the working week has stripped even the last bits of enthusiasm off. I have been coming home and sleeping without getting any less sleepy. Food doesn't taste like anything and there is a slight worry at the back of my head about where all this is leading to. My mind has been hard at work overanalysing everything and finding signs of decay. It's difficult to tell what, if any, part of that brainstorming is actually realistic.
It is one of those times when I again would like that someone noticed the way things are for me. I have spent many days now without anyone honestly wanting to know what is going on in my life. I know it's only I who should be blamed for this for how could anyone know when I'm not near people most of the time. I have talked to someone every day though but with all the excitement they have in their life, they are subconsciously shutting me up. And I don't want to fight or demand the attention I would probably deserve. Not right now.
I guess I just thought I should write it down to process it in my own head. Happier thoughts next time
Tuesday 7 May 2013
Wednesday 17 April 2013
Intermission
These past weeks have flown by without anything happening. It has been a waiting game for many reasons. Many changes and plans are to come, I tell myself. In all honesty, maybe it is my dour mood that has been making the days go by in the hope of a brighter future.
I'm in a loop of some sort. I keep alienating myself from others as there is nothing worth saying, yet so many thoughts on my mind. The events to come are making me both depressed and excited. Such is life, I guess.
All cryptic words aside, things will be changing soon. In the very near future I will lose someone who has been a remarkable part of my life for the past two months. Lose, I guess would refer to the geographical concept in this case as we are trying to make things work despite of that. Needless to say my heart is aching quite a lot because of this. Many questions are clouding my mind; will these feelings we have for each other be enough to keep it going for the unforeseeable time it will take me to make a definite decision? Am I too optimistic about the future prospects? Can I really trust him and myself to make the right choices for both of us?
On the other hand, all of those plans made during the last months will finally come to fruition. June will be the month of experiences of many kind on this island. July will bring me an adventure in a different country; hitchhiking, camping and retreating to the awesome wilderness on the many treks I have planned. August will bring together friends old and new in addition to the annual trip to the motherland. Lots, lots.
Maybe next time I write about the miracles happening around me and the truly amazing nature of people. For now I will shed a tear for lost things.
Tuesday 26 March 2013
The great escape?
Recently my adopted home country has been pissing me off more and more. The weather is crap, dealing with any government organisation is painful and the small island has been feeling tinier by the day. I'm not one to stay in a crappy situation forever but the issue is where to go from here?
The last time I felt like this was nearly ten years ago in Finland. I was so miserable that the decision of leaving was easy. I wanted out and it didn't really matter where to. Now I'm older, more careful (read: scared) and keep wondering if I really will have the motivation needed to adjust to yet another new life.
I keep saying to others that eventually I will just reach that same point where life in the current situation just becomes too unbearable. Yet I keep thinking whether this is just some form of mantra I tell myself to keep it together. Maybe I should stop talking about plans and actually start to actively look for something else.
In all this I miss those friends who I used to confide to with these things. I have been quiet about things for so long that if I suddenly come out with 'hey I want to leave this relatively comfortable life for the unknown', they will be pretty sure to shoot me down if not section me. So I'm left alone with these thoughts and with no clear point where to start.
To make matters more complicated, I recently started to go out with someone who's planning to flee the island fairly soon. This has been somewhat encouraging but I can't follow him for the sake of being together either. That would just be a recipe for disaster. And I think I've had enough of that for a while now.
The last time I felt like this was nearly ten years ago in Finland. I was so miserable that the decision of leaving was easy. I wanted out and it didn't really matter where to. Now I'm older, more careful (read: scared) and keep wondering if I really will have the motivation needed to adjust to yet another new life.
I keep saying to others that eventually I will just reach that same point where life in the current situation just becomes too unbearable. Yet I keep thinking whether this is just some form of mantra I tell myself to keep it together. Maybe I should stop talking about plans and actually start to actively look for something else.
In all this I miss those friends who I used to confide to with these things. I have been quiet about things for so long that if I suddenly come out with 'hey I want to leave this relatively comfortable life for the unknown', they will be pretty sure to shoot me down if not section me. So I'm left alone with these thoughts and with no clear point where to start.
To make matters more complicated, I recently started to go out with someone who's planning to flee the island fairly soon. This has been somewhat encouraging but I can't follow him for the sake of being together either. That would just be a recipe for disaster. And I think I've had enough of that for a while now.
Wednesday 20 March 2013
Imma back yo
So here's the deal. I haven't been a very good blogger or writer of any kind in the last year or two. I could go on about how I needed a break or that my life was somehow so miraculously interesting that I just didn't have time to share my somewhat irrelevant thoughts with the general public of the interwebs.
No, the truth is that at one stage, things just got so shit that I couldn't bear to even write it down to you complete strangers. I guess, in a way, it would have meant that I was admitting the pure horror I was living in. And that, my friends, is no way to live a perfectly formed tale of horrors.
As much as I would love to share all those gruesome details, I still think too little time has passed. Or perhaps I'm just not drunk enough yet. Whatever the case is, this is my grande comeback to the wonderful world of writing down shit that no one reads. Enjoy
No, the truth is that at one stage, things just got so shit that I couldn't bear to even write it down to you complete strangers. I guess, in a way, it would have meant that I was admitting the pure horror I was living in. And that, my friends, is no way to live a perfectly formed tale of horrors.
As much as I would love to share all those gruesome details, I still think too little time has passed. Or perhaps I'm just not drunk enough yet. Whatever the case is, this is my grande comeback to the wonderful world of writing down shit that no one reads. Enjoy
Tuesday 22 June 2010
Thursday 3 June 2010
Complicated
"You desired my attention
but denied my affections"
Yes, because I wanted you to stay the fuck away from my heart!
but denied my affections"
Yes, because I wanted you to stay the fuck away from my heart!
Wednesday 26 May 2010
Ireland's drug policy is pure hipocracy
For the last couple of years the so called head shops have been supplying Irish people with all sorts of "legal highs". The recession might have hit many businesses but these little nests of controversy kept flourishing. That was until a couple of weeks back when the government panic-banned pretty much all the products they were selling.
I'm not a great supporter of any substance that hasn't gone through a series of clinical trials to determine what exactly it does to people. Some of the legal highs were probably pretty harmless and didn't (for a mentally well-balanced) have any negative effects when used in moderation. Yet I didn't like the fact that you really didn't know what was in all that stuff.
Another legal "high" our society has grown to accept is of course alcohol. There has been numerous studies on short and long-term effects, studies which have seldom come out with anything positive. A mentally and physically healthy adult can "enjoy" the effects of alcohol without it resulting in any serious damage when used in moderation.
Yet we have many people out there who constantly misuse alcohol and who probably shouldn't be touching it at all. Some of these people probably have to take advantage of tax money in treating their addiction but the government won't do anything about the problem of alcohol because a) there would be an uproar if they banned it and b) they get a HUGE amount of tax revenue from alcohol sales.
These head shops were actually making a difference in the Irish drug culture. People who might have given their money to the drug lords instead opted for the legal and safer way. They paid VAT while doing this. Since the ban, there is absolutely zero VAT money coming from the sale of highs and the real drug gangsters must be loving the government.
As I said before, I'm not really on for this synthetic crap that head shops sold. If the government was wise, they would legalise drugs like cannabis and collect a huge amount of tax revenue from all the sales. They would significantly reduce the power of criminals in the drug business and probably attract some much needed tourism. It goes without saying that new government-controlled growing farms would create more jobs and that by growing the stuff themselves, the government could do some proper quality control.
Yes, some people would not be able to control themselves and know their limits but there are all sorts of ways to monitor and hand our "doses" rather than unlimited amounts of drugs. Plus with all that revenue coming in, they can afford to treat these few who couldn't handle it.
An adult who knows their limits and know how much or little (or none at all) drugs they can safely consume should not be penalised because some others might not be capable of the same thing. In these recession times, the government should be taking some calculated risks to lift this country from the mess they created.
I'm not a great supporter of any substance that hasn't gone through a series of clinical trials to determine what exactly it does to people. Some of the legal highs were probably pretty harmless and didn't (for a mentally well-balanced) have any negative effects when used in moderation. Yet I didn't like the fact that you really didn't know what was in all that stuff.
Another legal "high" our society has grown to accept is of course alcohol. There has been numerous studies on short and long-term effects, studies which have seldom come out with anything positive. A mentally and physically healthy adult can "enjoy" the effects of alcohol without it resulting in any serious damage when used in moderation.
Yet we have many people out there who constantly misuse alcohol and who probably shouldn't be touching it at all. Some of these people probably have to take advantage of tax money in treating their addiction but the government won't do anything about the problem of alcohol because a) there would be an uproar if they banned it and b) they get a HUGE amount of tax revenue from alcohol sales.
These head shops were actually making a difference in the Irish drug culture. People who might have given their money to the drug lords instead opted for the legal and safer way. They paid VAT while doing this. Since the ban, there is absolutely zero VAT money coming from the sale of highs and the real drug gangsters must be loving the government.
As I said before, I'm not really on for this synthetic crap that head shops sold. If the government was wise, they would legalise drugs like cannabis and collect a huge amount of tax revenue from all the sales. They would significantly reduce the power of criminals in the drug business and probably attract some much needed tourism. It goes without saying that new government-controlled growing farms would create more jobs and that by growing the stuff themselves, the government could do some proper quality control.
Yes, some people would not be able to control themselves and know their limits but there are all sorts of ways to monitor and hand our "doses" rather than unlimited amounts of drugs. Plus with all that revenue coming in, they can afford to treat these few who couldn't handle it.
An adult who knows their limits and know how much or little (or none at all) drugs they can safely consume should not be penalised because some others might not be capable of the same thing. In these recession times, the government should be taking some calculated risks to lift this country from the mess they created.
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