Creepy

Recently an anonymous someone approached me via text message to inform me about something.

At first I thought it was some sort of a joke or prank.

I still haven't established whether the stuff this person is telling me is true or not.

But I now know that someone's been watching me for quite a while...

I really have to applaud Louis Walsh...

For coming up with this shit

What I am

Perception can be a bitch. Some days I swear I'd pay good money not to be constantly so aware of things and characteristics of people, not so much because they annoy me but more so because these things make living in my own self so bloody difficult. On other days I'm glad I'm not one of those clueless ones around me.

We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Most people can attempt to enhance their good sides and work to reduce the effect of the bad ones yet so many are completely unaware of themselves. They have absolutely no clue as to how others perceive them and thus can do nothing about it.

Throughout my life I've seen people who were weak in one way or the other. I was forced to interact with some of these people and as some weaknesses are more profound than others, they had an effect on me. If I was unable to do anything about the situation (ie. go away, force the person to stop etc), I started to act quite the opposite way myself. I decided that I would never be one of those people who argue all the time/burden others with all their worries/talk too much/cling to others etc...

Instead of having just a little voice at the back of my head reminding me not to overdo shit, I completely abandoned the kind of behaviour I loathed so much. I stopped talking about my shit because I hated it when others did it constantly. I stopped asking for help even when I was in a train wreck mode because I hated the way people were so weak and clingy. I stopped letting people near me because I was sick of having to endure the aftermaths of other people's broken relationships.

It wasn't always easy. It still isn't. I am too weak and slip of my master plan every now and then. I sometimes even live through periods of doubt and wonder if I really should dictate my letting emotions out at all. I've even been a happy emotional burden at times.

I always return to my old habits. Sometimes people or situations remind me of the necessity for these precautions, sometimes I just get so ashamed of myself and the way I've started to turn into those people who I can't bare.

Doing this is difficult sometimes. When times are hard I keep reminding myself that I'm the only one who I can really trust and risking shit even if it brought some temporary happiness would eventually lead to some horrible unhappiness and when I count the prize of both scenarios, it's pretty clear which side wins. And anyway, I'm pretty good at all this now, and can get the best of both worlds without people even realising that they know very little about what is actually going on in my head.

So yeah, it's pretty crazy I guess. I guess I'm even crazier as I kind of enjoy all this control. I know that in pretty much any scenario I can undercut the amount of misery when others will fall so hard. That's just what I am.

My weakness is the need to control the amount of information available for people perceiving me. And let me tell you, you don't know shit.

You know you've been in Recession Ireland for too long when...

The media has been screaming about the young Irish leaving the country and Eire potentially losing a whole generation. In the past couple of weeks the highest search engine entry leading here has been the one describing the ways foreigners would know they've become accustomed to this place. Recently, it seems, a lot of Irish people are wondering if they've been here for too long...

So the public shall get what it wants:

You know you've been in Recession Ireland for too long when...

- When comparing supermarket receipts and queueing outside Lidl at 6am just to get a €1 special offer pack of sausages, is the meaning of life for you.

- You've substituted that ridiculously expensive bottle of wine with a liquid used for cleaning floors

- Your educated opinion of the current political atmosphere boils down to 'they are all bastards'

- You have fallen out with all of your friends working for the opposite sector and think public/private workers should be all slaughtered just so you can keep another per cent of your wages.

- You are scared to tell your friends that you are going on holidays to Brittas Bay, in case they get jealous.

- Your children are completely out of control due to not getting their weekly €100 toys, and you realise that now you actually have to spend time with them!

- You got yourself a new phone number just so you don't have to talk to all the people looking for money for your bills.

- You plan on telling your future grandchildren about the good old days when champagne was considered breakfast and cocaine lunch

The annual fashion observation post

I'm not big into following fashion and trends. Whenever I see something I like, trendy or not, or when I need something I buy it. My outfits could be described as conservative.

I also don't really care what my friends/boyfriend wear(s). I do admire people who look really nice and use the proper accessories etc but I really could not be bothered to spend more than 3 minutes each morning picking up different outfits. Call me boring, I don't care.

There are however certain things that just make me gag. Some of these things only annoy me if the person in question is my partner, some of them are universal.

Guys:

1. If you are not fifty, please don't dress like one. I went out with a guy who probably would have been thrilled to inherit my dad's wardrobe.

2. Smart casual. Guys wearing a V-neck sweater and a shirt when they are not working. Immediately makes me think that they have no personality and that they let their moms/girlfriends dress them up.

3. Cliche outfits. Emos wearing nothing but Deftones t-shirts, black pants and black make-up. The reason: no matter how quirky they might look, they often lack in personality.

4. Groomed men. Men need to be a bit scruffy, a bit masculine. Someone who spends more time getting ready in the morning than I do, has a serious problem.

5. Camp straight guys. It's confusing (are they gay or what??!!) and it just looks fucking ridiculous.

6. Designer obsessed. I don't give a shit what it says in your shirt. Shows a great deal of superficiality. Laughable.

7. Tracksuits, sports gear. If you are not doing any sports or lazying around at home, why wear shit like that? Also for all the scum bags out there: wearing a cap only halfway makes you look stupid and the greasy hair peeking out makes me want to vomit.

Girls

1. Wonder why guys think you are a slapper? Wearing a gold minidress with stripper shoes might be a clue to this big mystery. Although the no.7 in guys section will absolutely LOVE you. Often accompanied with so much make-up no one would recognise you if you went out without

2. Fashion freaks. Every now and then the fashion designers really get it wrong. Why do you follow blindly? Indicates a lack of personality and opinion.

3. Cliche outfits. As with guys.

4. Princesses. Wearing pink is ok. Wearing cream cake skirts with tiaras etc makes you look like a fucking 12 year old. Don't expect anyone proper to ever talk to you.

5. The "I don't give a shit"-look. People who try to be casual about their clothes but anyone can see they got up at 5am to make it "just perfect".

Confessions

I was tagged and I'm bored

5 things you might have not known about me:


1. I dislike Finland and most Finnish people, yet I am glad I'm not Irish and proud of some of my Finnish traits.

2. The idea of there not being a superior being/after life makes me happy

3. I use to wear glasses (many many moons ago)

4. Most of my family members are highly spiritual/religious but I am not

5. My father and my doctor were convinced that I had an eating disorder... and HONESTLY I didn't...great excuse for eating more ice cream!

The Truth

This thing was inspired by a competition one of my family members was holding. The task was to write about our great grandmother who would have been hundred years old this month and then other family members would vote for the best.

My input was obviously too unflattering to ever end up on the webpage. But censorship only reaches out to the domains they own…

I’m way too young to remember my great grandmother; in fact I think she passed away several years before I was even thought about. Hence I can only imagine what she was like; put together with the little information I have been told over the years.

My great grandmother was a hardworking and traditional Finnish housewife. On top of her numerous children, she also adopted an orphan ignoring the fact that she was struggling to feed her own, let alone someone else’s kids. She married my great grandfather, who was born blind and remained so for all of his life. These facts seem to suggest that she was a loving and sympathetic woman who extended her love for those who had nothing.

While she probably kept the family together with a padded version of an iron fist, not much can be said about the people who were supposed to continue her legacy. If she was ever to return to see how we were getting on, she would be utterly appalled.

While most people have managed to break out from poverty and the constant worry over money, few have found themselves carrying on any of her sympathy. The large family she left behind and which kept extending long after she had passed away has disintegrated.

“What do you mean?” I hear the loudest crying out now. And yes, I am dying to give you some very cruel details of people doing horrible things to others in this family but I will most likely be excommunicated. I too am as greedy and soulless that I want to keep that very weak thread around our petty family, for my inheritance sake.

But without going into TOO much detail I can point out the things that are laid right before your eyes. For years, one of the oldest members of this family has been completely ignored. This seems to be due to a certain problem she has. Her direct family can’t seem to put up with her behaviour. Fair enough. However if they had bothered to investigate this matter a little closer, they would have found that her problems are directly linked to loneliness and the fact that no one seems to go over and visit.

These people who quietly judge her behaviour have in the mean time extended their “give hassle and I’m gone”-attitude to their children. With few exceptions, we find ourselves looking at people who have literally abandoned their offspring due failed marriages and teenage trouble. Some of these people have moved on and accepted that their parents have emotionally discontinued the relationship; some have crept through the darkest holes and fortunately found some new people to rely on.

There will be a time when we all get old and when everyone else has passed away. It is then when the spark for reviving these broken strings comes back to life. And that is when you find that you are the despised, lonely and troubled person you had ignored for most of your adult life. And believe me, no one is coming to save you.

Promises

Nothing pisses me off more than people who constantly make false promises.

The ultimate #1 though are the ones who make promises and then later claim the discussion never took place, leaving me in tricky situations.

I foolishly relied on a promise and didn't do X. Now it seems that I have imagined this conversation and due to time issues cannot do X which would have saved my ass in this case.

Unfortunately for these people, I ALWAYS have a plan B.

You fuck my shit up, I'll fuck yours right back, asswipe

Your shit never changes

It is kind of amusing that you still find the time and motivation to bullshit about me. What makes it desperate is the fact that no one seems to believe you, or they come straight up to me to reveal all your nonsense.

You probably don't remember but this is quite what I predicted back then. Remember when I said you'd still be your old sad self, seeking for any attention you can get. I nearly feel sorry for you, you're so pathetic.

I also know you have been reading this site for a while now. I find it quite weird that you spend so much time on it to be honest. But unlike you I have nothing to hide, you however should learn how to read properly before you go around telling shit to people.

I heard you were bitter due to my unwillingness to waste my time on you. I heard your "analysis" of why things went the way they did. People must be sick of hearing about me at this stage.

Please tell your people I don't really care to hear what crap your spreading around this time. I told mine not to bother with you long ago.

Today last year

A year ago I started to realise what a horrible mistake I had made. Stupidly it took me another couple of months to solve it all.

A year ago I was happy I had a friend who didn't give a shit when they were all against me (miss you, come back)

A year ago it was sunny and I was having a good time.

A year ago I received proof that I was right about something in the past and relieved I made the right decision.

A year ago I met you for the first time.

Weeds, the reality version

She obviously did not watch the show carefully enough!

Today

...I wandered to a web page and read something very sad. Then I realised that this someone who wrote it, is someone I know. Maybe Parmenides was right after all, things just never seem to change. It makes me sad.

Kamala

Expectations.

Sigh.

When you're told a certain thing too many times but in your own opinion it's not quite true or you dont quite fulfil this legacy, things get tricky.

One wonders if it's just insecurity or if it's true. Things would be so much simpler if it was the former. In the case of later, things get tricky.

Then it's like a time bomb waiting to explode. And when it does, one is not sure how much there is left of anything. And that's when things get really tricky.

Asking doesn't help. The answer offered brings the issue to no conclusion. Just uncertainty. The god damn uncertainty.

The armageddon has happened before. The bright side, I guess, is that it was the end but not the complete end. But every time it gets harder. Just goes to prove that in the end, we're all very alone.

Swine Flu

Let's not go down this road, Finland

I was reading the news on MTV3 and discovered that the Orthodox pastor Father Mitro has apparently been planning on running for a seat in the soon to be held EU-elections. However his church recently held a meeting during which it criticised Mitro's actions and will decide whether or not to let him go for it in the near future. In the interview, he confessed how shocked he was about this criticism and that he really couldn't understand it.

For those of you who do not know him, Father Mitro is a very public figure of the orthodox church and is often quoted in matters of religion and social issues. I have actually met him once at a christening and have always thought that he was a very warm and pleasant man.

Despite of that, I now have to confess myself, that I was shocked to hear him going for it in the first place. Yes, he is someone who has been influencing a lot of the religious life in Finland. He is most likely a good and honest man. But there is a conflict between what he represents now and what he would like to represent in the future. He stands before such ridiculous values (those of his church's) which I and a whole lot of other freedom loving Finns would not like to enforce.

Again, I have a lot of faith (no pun intended :)) in his abilities to do the job. With a lot of issues he might be solving, he would probably do a good job. But he is a man who devoted his life to religion, and frankly to something that makes very little sense. He will obviously be influenced by these beliefs that he holds. It will interfere with his decision-making.

Now why can't a christian person run for a seat then? Of course they can and have done. But father Mitro is a priest of a minority church. I have no objection to, say a muslim running for the same seat but I would not approve of him trying to enforce the Sharia law when he is holding a seat of a country in which it is not the will of the majority. Same thing with Mitro. He would take advantage of his celebrity image and probably win a seat but if he was just an average orthodox man, he would probably not be elected due to people not sharing his values!

And in the end, as much as I can feel his desire to make a difference, by getting into politics, he is sacraficing his duties as a churchman to his people and even though I personally don't think his guidance is needed, he devoted his life to this sort of thing and unless he decides to leave the church, he has no business in the elections.

#@@!$!%

As the title suggests, I'm pissed off again. Unfortunately this place will again have to be the outlet for all this fucking ridiculous retardness.

It just seems that every single fucking time I get my shit together something new pops up. EVERY FUCKING TIME!!! This time the shit sent me straight to hell and while I was on my way home after this particular incident, I prayed no one would start to talk to me cuz I probably would have killed them right there and then.

FOR FUCKING 8 MONTHS I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR CERTAIN PEOPLE TO DO WHAT THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BY LAW! Finally I was promised that shit will be sorted by this weekend. So I go my merry way and think everything's gonna be ok.

And then...

NOTHING.

ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING DONE ABOUT IT.

WTF!!!!!!

The best part however is the aftermath. It's seldom that I totally lose it. This time was one of them. I must have pretty much used all the insults I have ever learned in both lingos respectively. I pretty much threatened to sue. I don't know how I managed to stop myself from physically harming this person. The fucking adrenalin rushing through me at that moment would have easily made me explode like a nuclear bomb.

There there, some would say now. It's not the end of the world. Damn fucking right it is not. But it fucking pisses me off I get fucked left, right and centre ALL THE FUCKING TIME! It is inconvenient to say the least, let alone putting me through more drama trying to sort the shit out caused by someone else's utter and disgusting lazyness. After fucking everything I have done to help when times were rough and all I get is more SHIT.

Sigh.

Right, better get on with this shit again I guess. Some day I'll just stop trying.

Language crisis

Grammar police in action

Last night I had the ever so delightful task of writing a letter to the Finnish social welfare office. While the issue was pretty straightforward, the task wasn't. This time it wasn't the bureacracy that was killing me but the unability to write in my native lingo! I kept writing and erasing and rewriting but it just seemed to me that I wasn't making any sense. This led to paranoia even with familiar and easy sentences and everything I wrote just sounded...wrong somehow.

I don't get to use much of my terrible Finnish these days. In fact, the only time I use it is the once or twice a month conversation I have with my mom and the odd Finnish friend I talk to on Facebook. I guess it's pretty normal to be out of practice in this situation but what worries me is the longer I refrain from using it on a constant basis, the harder it will be to ever manage to write and speak fluently.

It would be little less painful if my English would have replaced Finnish as the native lingo. But it seems I still struggle with words and grammar and even though I'm well able to survive with the every-day business, I still feel like I'm academically retarded when it comes to language. It's particularly difficult as writing was always my best skill and now it just seems like I can't get it out anymore.

It doesn't help that a lot of my fellow students and even the tutors are not any better. I'd love for someone to look at my essays and correct even the little bit of confusion and error in them but at the present situation I get essays back and even I can find the grammar mistakes that the tutor did not notice. Finland in this aspect is completely different, and I've never met so many people completely ignorant and uninterested in writing the proper way and with proper lingo as I have in here. Academia in here seems to consist of fancy words with stupid apostrophy mistakes in between. They have the likes of Joyce and Yeats in their proud literary history but the modern university student can't even spell 'benefit' correctly.

So how do you expatriats (I know you've been lurking around) manage to cope with the lack of Finnish lingo abroad?

What I thought about today

Did I already mention how addicted I am to this webpage ?

The ongoing (never-ending, eternal, pointless?) debate over doing what you enjoy/like versus what is needed. I still can't place myself on either side, I dislike society too much to do what I should as a citizen of the "common good" and I'm scared of not being good enough at what I want to do. I do however dislike the odd, Leviathanesque convo going on in UCD forum on boards.ie.

Descartes' dream argument and the clear and distinct perception. It's pretty clear that one can't logically prove that we are not dreaming (ie. Matrix-like situation). But what if reality is dimensional and what we call dreams and reality are just different levels of existence? Maybe there're other ones too which are as "real" as "reality" but we're currently unable to see/acknowledge them. Even if we're deceived all the time, and say, unable to ever wake up, doesn't that make "reality" as we know it just that? Maybe (and I don't mean destiny as such here, nothing's designed or assigned by any supernatural thing IMO) we are not "meant" to experience this real reality.

Business plans - I sometimes entertain myself (too much bus stop waiting time) with imaginary business plans. How much of the successful profit-making is down to market research? If one had a supernatural ability to know everything about every customer, would it be possible to persuade them to purchase shit all the time, within their budget of course?

Brain manipulation - say we have a hypothetical situation in which we have test subjects (people) and endless resources of experimenting with their brains with no moral dilemmas attached, how far could we (obviously after many failures etc) manipulate and "open" new sorts of abilities. I sometimes think it's a shame all these obviously horrendous people (Hitler etc) who conducted experiments, did not use these opportunities to look into things like these rather than the much more pointless (in scientific terms) ones. It's the possibly hidden "brain power" I'm interested in in a purely scientific way, I do not believe in any of this New Age shit.

Alone

So the Ph34r...

I have had some conflicts of such in the last few days, some of which include me directly, some of which I have been trying to sort out for other people's sake.

I don't mind being alone. I quite enjoy holding the reins and not letting too many people get on my way but the last few days have proved that no man really is an island.

I have been told. And it hurt. Instead of fighting it I decided, due to circumstances to stay quiet and swallow it. And now it's climbing back up.

I nearly feel like I'm suffocating. This one was too much. I wish someone was there to punch a hole in me and make it all better. But when were simple solutions ever available or as much "fun" as crawling in the mud.

Ph34r

Out of the blue, it struck me.