For a while I have been feeling pretty frustrated and bored when having to deal with people. Without sounding like a complete dick, I'm sick of listening to uninteresting, irrelevant shit about whatever their little world revolves around. I used to have patience, understanding and sympathy for these type of people but now I've just stopped listening.
I'm not saying I'm always telling witty or intelligent stories. I'm not some sort of genius either. I don't think that to be smart, you'll have to only go on about intriguing stuff. But when after some co-existing, there appears to be nothing of any interest coming out of someone's mouth, something that has zero to do with superficial shit or relationship drama, one wonders if there is anything to this person at all. If someone never talks about their opinions on things that really matter but have about 3 hours on hair spray or football, I can't help but to lose interest.
What annoys me even more are people who cannot understand that some people actually think about shit. These are the ones who will at first sign of any intelligent conversation say something like "Oh, I don't want to talk about that genius stuff" or "I just can't be bothered to think about that stuff". They'd rather talk about Beyonce for the rest of their lives than at least the odd time share their thoughts on real things like science or philosophy.
Me and R watched this documentary about this highly intelligent guy who also has pretty crazy OCD. After watching it we were discussing how intelligent people are kind of like autistic people in that they are extremely good at one thing but lack knowledge or skills in others. It appears that the brain is like a processor, shutting down areas which are of no use to the person but which can sometimes be reactivated through practice.
I guess my brain has Beyonce in Z-file
Showing posts with label brainstorm. Show all posts
Showing posts with label brainstorm. Show all posts
Thursday 1 April 2010
Sunday 28 March 2010
On religion
First of all, let me explain my thoughts on religion and spirituality. I don't believe in god(s), I don't believe that there is anything supernatural hovering over us and that we go anywhere after death. I think Richard Dawkins is a complete dick but at least he makes sense. I'm very much against religious institutions, state religion, teaching religion lessons of any sort to children and the molly cuddling of religious people in the society.
Contrary to what many may think, I actually grew up in fairly religious surroundings. My grand dad is a vicar and as I spent a lot of time around him, was obviously subject to a good bit of religious tradition. My mother was a slightly more modern Christian and she never really made me or my brother do anything religious.
I've always been a fairly logical person. When I was younger I remember being scared of monsters when the lights in my room were turned off but I could often reason to myself that as I had never seen monsters and my parents told me there were none, there was a pretty good chance that they didn't exist. When I was around six I decided that this was to be the same about God. When I was a teenager, I learned about other religions but they did not convince me either.
A couple of weeks ago a conversation took place between myself and a couple of other people. Most of these people had previously put forward their anti-religious views. As with myself they disliked religion having such a high status in society but also nearly despised people who were religious. One of them had later changed their mind and recognised some situations (eg. war) in which religion might be beneficial for the welfare of people.
As I stated earlier, religion is really not my cup of tea and IMO should not be of any reasonable person's either. I find it very hard to interact with people who believe in all sorts of toothfairy like creatures with absolutely no unbiased, scientific evidence to support their claims. Would you trust me if I went about believing that leprechauns existed and should be worshipped?
Having said that, I have seen faith change people's lives and make things better for them, not due to some magical power from up above but the fact that they got their life back on track because they had faith even if it was to a non-existent creature(s). I've seen people survive through rough times because they had their faith. I've seen something positive come out of it.
Yeah so that's all nice and dandy for those people. If it works for you, it works for you. One might even say that who am I to tell what people should do to survive or be happy.
What I don't accept in this whole thinking is the fact that it trains people to be weak. If you have to hold on to some sort of supernatural creature you haven't seen (that you can scientifically prove), you have a problem. If you can't handle unhappiness without talking to this creature and not, say, a real person, you have a problem. If you are afraid of dying so much that you sign up for religion, well, that's just a bit pathetic.
The worst part of all this is of course the fact that children all over the world are brought up to trust in the same bs as their parents. No wonder there are so many absolutely useless people out there.
If you are offended by what I've just written, please do not contact me, I really don't care for your religious views and conversion attempts. If you have some sort of interesting point to make about the actual point of this post, feel free to elaborate.
Contrary to what many may think, I actually grew up in fairly religious surroundings. My grand dad is a vicar and as I spent a lot of time around him, was obviously subject to a good bit of religious tradition. My mother was a slightly more modern Christian and she never really made me or my brother do anything religious.
I've always been a fairly logical person. When I was younger I remember being scared of monsters when the lights in my room were turned off but I could often reason to myself that as I had never seen monsters and my parents told me there were none, there was a pretty good chance that they didn't exist. When I was around six I decided that this was to be the same about God. When I was a teenager, I learned about other religions but they did not convince me either.
A couple of weeks ago a conversation took place between myself and a couple of other people. Most of these people had previously put forward their anti-religious views. As with myself they disliked religion having such a high status in society but also nearly despised people who were religious. One of them had later changed their mind and recognised some situations (eg. war) in which religion might be beneficial for the welfare of people.
As I stated earlier, religion is really not my cup of tea and IMO should not be of any reasonable person's either. I find it very hard to interact with people who believe in all sorts of toothfairy like creatures with absolutely no unbiased, scientific evidence to support their claims. Would you trust me if I went about believing that leprechauns existed and should be worshipped?
Having said that, I have seen faith change people's lives and make things better for them, not due to some magical power from up above but the fact that they got their life back on track because they had faith even if it was to a non-existent creature(s). I've seen people survive through rough times because they had their faith. I've seen something positive come out of it.
Yeah so that's all nice and dandy for those people. If it works for you, it works for you. One might even say that who am I to tell what people should do to survive or be happy.
What I don't accept in this whole thinking is the fact that it trains people to be weak. If you have to hold on to some sort of supernatural creature you haven't seen (that you can scientifically prove), you have a problem. If you can't handle unhappiness without talking to this creature and not, say, a real person, you have a problem. If you are afraid of dying so much that you sign up for religion, well, that's just a bit pathetic.
The worst part of all this is of course the fact that children all over the world are brought up to trust in the same bs as their parents. No wonder there are so many absolutely useless people out there.
If you are offended by what I've just written, please do not contact me, I really don't care for your religious views and conversion attempts. If you have some sort of interesting point to make about the actual point of this post, feel free to elaborate.
Saturday 20 March 2010
What I am
Perception can be a bitch. Some days I swear I'd pay good money not to be constantly so aware of things and characteristics of people, not so much because they annoy me but more so because these things make living in my own self so bloody difficult. On other days I'm glad I'm not one of those clueless ones around me.
We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Most people can attempt to enhance their good sides and work to reduce the effect of the bad ones yet so many are completely unaware of themselves. They have absolutely no clue as to how others perceive them and thus can do nothing about it.
Throughout my life I've seen people who were weak in one way or the other. I was forced to interact with some of these people and as some weaknesses are more profound than others, they had an effect on me. If I was unable to do anything about the situation (ie. go away, force the person to stop etc), I started to act quite the opposite way myself. I decided that I would never be one of those people who argue all the time/burden others with all their worries/talk too much/cling to others etc...
Instead of having just a little voice at the back of my head reminding me not to overdo shit, I completely abandoned the kind of behaviour I loathed so much. I stopped talking about my shit because I hated it when others did it constantly. I stopped asking for help even when I was in a train wreck mode because I hated the way people were so weak and clingy. I stopped letting people near me because I was sick of having to endure the aftermaths of other people's broken relationships.
It wasn't always easy. It still isn't. I am too weak and slip of my master plan every now and then. I sometimes even live through periods of doubt and wonder if I really should dictate my letting emotions out at all. I've even been a happy emotional burden at times.
I always return to my old habits. Sometimes people or situations remind me of the necessity for these precautions, sometimes I just get so ashamed of myself and the way I've started to turn into those people who I can't bare.
Doing this is difficult sometimes. When times are hard I keep reminding myself that I'm the only one who I can really trust and risking shit even if it brought some temporary happiness would eventually lead to some horrible unhappiness and when I count the prize of both scenarios, it's pretty clear which side wins. And anyway, I'm pretty good at all this now, and can get the best of both worlds without people even realising that they know very little about what is actually going on in my head.
So yeah, it's pretty crazy I guess. I guess I'm even crazier as I kind of enjoy all this control. I know that in pretty much any scenario I can undercut the amount of misery when others will fall so hard. That's just what I am.
My weakness is the need to control the amount of information available for people perceiving me. And let me tell you, you don't know shit.
We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Most people can attempt to enhance their good sides and work to reduce the effect of the bad ones yet so many are completely unaware of themselves. They have absolutely no clue as to how others perceive them and thus can do nothing about it.
Throughout my life I've seen people who were weak in one way or the other. I was forced to interact with some of these people and as some weaknesses are more profound than others, they had an effect on me. If I was unable to do anything about the situation (ie. go away, force the person to stop etc), I started to act quite the opposite way myself. I decided that I would never be one of those people who argue all the time/burden others with all their worries/talk too much/cling to others etc...
Instead of having just a little voice at the back of my head reminding me not to overdo shit, I completely abandoned the kind of behaviour I loathed so much. I stopped talking about my shit because I hated it when others did it constantly. I stopped asking for help even when I was in a train wreck mode because I hated the way people were so weak and clingy. I stopped letting people near me because I was sick of having to endure the aftermaths of other people's broken relationships.
It wasn't always easy. It still isn't. I am too weak and slip of my master plan every now and then. I sometimes even live through periods of doubt and wonder if I really should dictate my letting emotions out at all. I've even been a happy emotional burden at times.
I always return to my old habits. Sometimes people or situations remind me of the necessity for these precautions, sometimes I just get so ashamed of myself and the way I've started to turn into those people who I can't bare.
Doing this is difficult sometimes. When times are hard I keep reminding myself that I'm the only one who I can really trust and risking shit even if it brought some temporary happiness would eventually lead to some horrible unhappiness and when I count the prize of both scenarios, it's pretty clear which side wins. And anyway, I'm pretty good at all this now, and can get the best of both worlds without people even realising that they know very little about what is actually going on in my head.
So yeah, it's pretty crazy I guess. I guess I'm even crazier as I kind of enjoy all this control. I know that in pretty much any scenario I can undercut the amount of misery when others will fall so hard. That's just what I am.
My weakness is the need to control the amount of information available for people perceiving me. And let me tell you, you don't know shit.
Tuesday 19 January 2010
Glass is empty
I've been dwelling in this odd cynicism for the last couple of weeks.
A couple of years back I was going through a similar period. Something bad happened and I was rightly not trusting anyone around me (you know those gossip hungry no goods). After I got back on my feet I decided not to give a shit about anything. I was the lonely rider and didn't care about anyone getting on my way. I guess you could call it some sort of iron wall syndrome or something. Gradually I grew out of it. Now I seem to feel the same again.
When I was fresh out of high school I was going through a slightly different period of cynicism. I had no trouble trusting people (well at least as much as they were rationally worth it) but being around people made me very frustrated. Apart from a few close friends and some family members, I could not stand being around anyone. Anything any of these people said made me think how stupid and irrelevant their input was. Everything was really boring and I often found myself wanting to go home cuz at least then I wouldn't have to listen to all that nonsense. Now I seem to feel the same again.
I'm getting to the point in which I start to act a little crazy due to all this frustration. I crave for more likeminded people but while attempting to find them, I end up revealing all their faults, at least to me. It irritates me even more.
A couple of years back I was going through a similar period. Something bad happened and I was rightly not trusting anyone around me (you know those gossip hungry no goods). After I got back on my feet I decided not to give a shit about anything. I was the lonely rider and didn't care about anyone getting on my way. I guess you could call it some sort of iron wall syndrome or something. Gradually I grew out of it. Now I seem to feel the same again.
When I was fresh out of high school I was going through a slightly different period of cynicism. I had no trouble trusting people (well at least as much as they were rationally worth it) but being around people made me very frustrated. Apart from a few close friends and some family members, I could not stand being around anyone. Anything any of these people said made me think how stupid and irrelevant their input was. Everything was really boring and I often found myself wanting to go home cuz at least then I wouldn't have to listen to all that nonsense. Now I seem to feel the same again.
I'm getting to the point in which I start to act a little crazy due to all this frustration. I crave for more likeminded people but while attempting to find them, I end up revealing all their faults, at least to me. It irritates me even more.
Friday 27 November 2009
The annual fashion observation post
I'm not big into following fashion and trends. Whenever I see something I like, trendy or not, or when I need something I buy it. My outfits could be described as conservative.
I also don't really care what my friends/boyfriend wear(s). I do admire people who look really nice and use the proper accessories etc but I really could not be bothered to spend more than 3 minutes each morning picking up different outfits. Call me boring, I don't care.
There are however certain things that just make me gag. Some of these things only annoy me if the person in question is my partner, some of them are universal.
Guys:
1. If you are not fifty, please don't dress like one. I went out with a guy who probably would have been thrilled to inherit my dad's wardrobe.
2. Smart casual. Guys wearing a V-neck sweater and a shirt when they are not working. Immediately makes me think that they have no personality and that they let their moms/girlfriends dress them up.
3. Cliche outfits. Emos wearing nothing but Deftones t-shirts, black pants and black make-up. The reason: no matter how quirky they might look, they often lack in personality.
4. Groomed men. Men need to be a bit scruffy, a bit masculine. Someone who spends more time getting ready in the morning than I do, has a serious problem.
5. Camp straight guys. It's confusing (are they gay or what??!!) and it just looks fucking ridiculous.
6. Designer obsessed. I don't give a shit what it says in your shirt. Shows a great deal of superficiality. Laughable.
7. Tracksuits, sports gear. If you are not doing any sports or lazying around at home, why wear shit like that? Also for all the scum bags out there: wearing a cap only halfway makes you look stupid and the greasy hair peeking out makes me want to vomit.
Girls
1. Wonder why guys think you are a slapper? Wearing a gold minidress with stripper shoes might be a clue to this big mystery. Although the no.7 in guys section will absolutely LOVE you. Often accompanied with so much make-up no one would recognise you if you went out without
2. Fashion freaks. Every now and then the fashion designers really get it wrong. Why do you follow blindly? Indicates a lack of personality and opinion.
3. Cliche outfits. As with guys.
4. Princesses. Wearing pink is ok. Wearing cream cake skirts with tiaras etc makes you look like a fucking 12 year old. Don't expect anyone proper to ever talk to you.
5. The "I don't give a shit"-look. People who try to be casual about their clothes but anyone can see they got up at 5am to make it "just perfect".
I also don't really care what my friends/boyfriend wear(s). I do admire people who look really nice and use the proper accessories etc but I really could not be bothered to spend more than 3 minutes each morning picking up different outfits. Call me boring, I don't care.
There are however certain things that just make me gag. Some of these things only annoy me if the person in question is my partner, some of them are universal.
Guys:
1. If you are not fifty, please don't dress like one. I went out with a guy who probably would have been thrilled to inherit my dad's wardrobe.
2. Smart casual. Guys wearing a V-neck sweater and a shirt when they are not working. Immediately makes me think that they have no personality and that they let their moms/girlfriends dress them up.
3. Cliche outfits. Emos wearing nothing but Deftones t-shirts, black pants and black make-up. The reason: no matter how quirky they might look, they often lack in personality.
4. Groomed men. Men need to be a bit scruffy, a bit masculine. Someone who spends more time getting ready in the morning than I do, has a serious problem.
5. Camp straight guys. It's confusing (are they gay or what??!!) and it just looks fucking ridiculous.
6. Designer obsessed. I don't give a shit what it says in your shirt. Shows a great deal of superficiality. Laughable.
7. Tracksuits, sports gear. If you are not doing any sports or lazying around at home, why wear shit like that? Also for all the scum bags out there: wearing a cap only halfway makes you look stupid and the greasy hair peeking out makes me want to vomit.
Girls
1. Wonder why guys think you are a slapper? Wearing a gold minidress with stripper shoes might be a clue to this big mystery. Although the no.7 in guys section will absolutely LOVE you. Often accompanied with so much make-up no one would recognise you if you went out without
2. Fashion freaks. Every now and then the fashion designers really get it wrong. Why do you follow blindly? Indicates a lack of personality and opinion.
3. Cliche outfits. As with guys.
4. Princesses. Wearing pink is ok. Wearing cream cake skirts with tiaras etc makes you look like a fucking 12 year old. Don't expect anyone proper to ever talk to you.
5. The "I don't give a shit"-look. People who try to be casual about their clothes but anyone can see they got up at 5am to make it "just perfect".
Monday 19 October 2009
Confessions
I was tagged and I'm bored
5 things you might have not known about me:
1. I dislike Finland and most Finnish people, yet I am glad I'm not Irish and proud of some of my Finnish traits.
2. The idea of there not being a superior being/after life makes me happy
3. I use to wear glasses (many many moons ago)
4. Most of my family members are highly spiritual/religious but I am not
5. My father and my doctor were convinced that I had an eating disorder... and HONESTLY I didn't...great excuse for eating more ice cream!
5 things you might have not known about me:
1. I dislike Finland and most Finnish people, yet I am glad I'm not Irish and proud of some of my Finnish traits.
2. The idea of there not being a superior being/after life makes me happy
3. I use to wear glasses (many many moons ago)
4. Most of my family members are highly spiritual/religious but I am not
5. My father and my doctor were convinced that I had an eating disorder... and HONESTLY I didn't...great excuse for eating more ice cream!
Sunday 10 May 2009
Today last year
A year ago I started to realise what a horrible mistake I had made. Stupidly it took me another couple of months to solve it all.
A year ago I was happy I had a friend who didn't give a shit when they were all against me (miss you, come back)
A year ago it was sunny and I was having a good time.
A year ago I received proof that I was right about something in the past and relieved I made the right decision.
A year ago I met you for the first time.
A year ago I was happy I had a friend who didn't give a shit when they were all against me (miss you, come back)
A year ago it was sunny and I was having a good time.
A year ago I received proof that I was right about something in the past and relieved I made the right decision.
A year ago I met you for the first time.
Sunday 3 May 2009
Kamala
Expectations.
Sigh.
When you're told a certain thing too many times but in your own opinion it's not quite true or you dont quite fulfil this legacy, things get tricky.
One wonders if it's just insecurity or if it's true. Things would be so much simpler if it was the former. In the case of later, things get tricky.
Then it's like a time bomb waiting to explode. And when it does, one is not sure how much there is left of anything. And that's when things get really tricky.
Asking doesn't help. The answer offered brings the issue to no conclusion. Just uncertainty. The god damn uncertainty.
The armageddon has happened before. The bright side, I guess, is that it was the end but not the complete end. But every time it gets harder. Just goes to prove that in the end, we're all very alone.
Sigh.
When you're told a certain thing too many times but in your own opinion it's not quite true or you dont quite fulfil this legacy, things get tricky.
One wonders if it's just insecurity or if it's true. Things would be so much simpler if it was the former. In the case of later, things get tricky.
Then it's like a time bomb waiting to explode. And when it does, one is not sure how much there is left of anything. And that's when things get really tricky.
Asking doesn't help. The answer offered brings the issue to no conclusion. Just uncertainty. The god damn uncertainty.
The armageddon has happened before. The bright side, I guess, is that it was the end but not the complete end. But every time it gets harder. Just goes to prove that in the end, we're all very alone.
Sunday 5 April 2009
The Making of a Finn abroad
While working on Friday I learned that a Finnish girl is due to arrive to my neighbourhood pretty soon. The big change which is ahead for her made me get all nostalgic and think about all those things that were surprisingly easy or difficult when I first came here and how the significance of those things has changed.
For me, leaving Finland was pretty easy. To be honest I could not wait to get out of there and was determined to cope and intergrate. I was aware that things might not work out or I might be very lonely but that certainly did not stop me.
Probably one of the hardest things was to open up to a completely different culture. Me and certainly a whole lot of other Finns can be very quiet and private in comparison to the foreigners. It wasn't so much that I didn't cope with it, it was harder for the people around me. They did not understand where I was coming from and took me as a bit rude and depressed in some way.
Another thing which caused some hassle was the different mentality. People seldom keep their promises around here and it took some practice to know when something was actually gonna happen or when people were just saying shit. Also the lack of order in a lot of things was overwhelming.
These days those things are not quite so difficult. I have changed and people around me have got used to my personality. I doubt I would have wanted to stay if I hadn't been so determined to change and adapt. That is not the case with a lot of other Finns I know around here.
To me the change has been so significant that I feel like an outsider whenever I go back home to Finland these days. I seem to have lost my copy of the Social Conduct. I don't think I'm very Irish either but some sort of odd mixture. Not being (mentally) from anywhere makes me happy, it means I'm not stuck here or anywhere.
For me, leaving Finland was pretty easy. To be honest I could not wait to get out of there and was determined to cope and intergrate. I was aware that things might not work out or I might be very lonely but that certainly did not stop me.
Probably one of the hardest things was to open up to a completely different culture. Me and certainly a whole lot of other Finns can be very quiet and private in comparison to the foreigners. It wasn't so much that I didn't cope with it, it was harder for the people around me. They did not understand where I was coming from and took me as a bit rude and depressed in some way.
Another thing which caused some hassle was the different mentality. People seldom keep their promises around here and it took some practice to know when something was actually gonna happen or when people were just saying shit. Also the lack of order in a lot of things was overwhelming.
These days those things are not quite so difficult. I have changed and people around me have got used to my personality. I doubt I would have wanted to stay if I hadn't been so determined to change and adapt. That is not the case with a lot of other Finns I know around here.
To me the change has been so significant that I feel like an outsider whenever I go back home to Finland these days. I seem to have lost my copy of the Social Conduct. I don't think I'm very Irish either but some sort of odd mixture. Not being (mentally) from anywhere makes me happy, it means I'm not stuck here or anywhere.
Friday 27 March 2009
What I thought about today
Did I already mention how addicted I am to this webpage ?
The ongoing (never-ending, eternal, pointless?) debate over doing what you enjoy/like versus what is needed. I still can't place myself on either side, I dislike society too much to do what I should as a citizen of the "common good" and I'm scared of not being good enough at what I want to do. I do however dislike the odd, Leviathanesque convo going on in UCD forum on boards.ie.
Descartes' dream argument and the clear and distinct perception. It's pretty clear that one can't logically prove that we are not dreaming (ie. Matrix-like situation). But what if reality is dimensional and what we call dreams and reality are just different levels of existence? Maybe there're other ones too which are as "real" as "reality" but we're currently unable to see/acknowledge them. Even if we're deceived all the time, and say, unable to ever wake up, doesn't that make "reality" as we know it just that? Maybe (and I don't mean destiny as such here, nothing's designed or assigned by any supernatural thing IMO) we are not "meant" to experience this real reality.
Business plans - I sometimes entertain myself (too much bus stop waiting time) with imaginary business plans. How much of the successful profit-making is down to market research? If one had a supernatural ability to know everything about every customer, would it be possible to persuade them to purchase shit all the time, within their budget of course?
Brain manipulation - say we have a hypothetical situation in which we have test subjects (people) and endless resources of experimenting with their brains with no moral dilemmas attached, how far could we (obviously after many failures etc) manipulate and "open" new sorts of abilities. I sometimes think it's a shame all these obviously horrendous people (Hitler etc) who conducted experiments, did not use these opportunities to look into things like these rather than the much more pointless (in scientific terms) ones. It's the possibly hidden "brain power" I'm interested in in a purely scientific way, I do not believe in any of this New Age shit.
Thursday 26 March 2009
Sunday 22 March 2009
Too fast
Maybe it's the simple life that makes one happy
I've finally admitted my problem of not being able to sit down. Don't get me wrong, I can sit down doing nothing for a whole day but I seem to be unable to relax or leave the worries/tasks/important stuff aside. I keep waking up at ridiculous hours and can't unwind and get back to sleep. I also find it very hard to fall asleep and often stay up half of the night. This inevitably leads to worries etc becoming even more painful in my head.
Everything seems to be on standby. Problems X, Y and Z will be resolved after I've sorted out A, B and C or when N months have passed. The only way I can keep myself sane these days is just telling myself, it'll all be ok when X,Y...
I know I should probably let some of the steam out and talk to someone but even the little bit I do, makes me feel like a piece of shit. I hate being this way when I'm around friends/loved ones. I have enough alone time to be miserable and anxious, why do I have to waste good time for stupid worries. On some days I feel like I'm gonna crack or start to cry for no reason (that could be hormonal too though) but I still feel talking is a waste of time. It never helped before or it doesn't last very long.
It's silly but I even feel stupid about moaning here time after time but I guess it's my blog and I do wahtever the hell I want with it.
It'll all be ok. I hope.
Sunday 1 March 2009
M does not equal E
It hasn't been an easy week. While trying to make some sort of sense of the shit I have to study, other things pop out. I guess these things never come in "ones".
I was told something I kind of already knew. Someone felt the need to dig old things up and portray me as some sort of great influence and answer to everything in relation to a certain matter. It was very flattering I guess. Funny no one said anything when it would have actually made a difference. I've no desire to take on old stuff. I'm not the same person anymore as I was back then.
What annoyed me the most was the fact that I was supposingly a subject of some sort but I was treated as if I was an object with no independent will or consideration. Some sort of fifth element, the answer to it all. I was told x, y and z will be done and then it will all be solved and peachy. I felt a mixture of annoyance and pleasure when I said well maybe I don't want/need IT anymore. It was all kind of sweet but at the same time, unnecessary and a bit depressing. This chat actually did the opposite of its initial goal. Not that I needed any reassurance of my decision but it did put the final nail in that coffin, juiced up with some horror imagery of what it would be like if had things gone the other way.
It also made me think of how fragile this circle of events in life is. How much bull shit there is out there and how blind so many (including myself) people are. It gives me great comfort to think that even if I make mistakes, I'm sane and brave enough to go the other way, when I finally do see the true nature of things. But yet I'm scared of the moments to come, when I lose control and forget myself.
It's a bitch to be able to see some bad patterns in people's lives. Not so much because I can't stop them from going round and round but more because it makes me wonder if I'm doing the same without realising.
Anyway.
I was told something I kind of already knew. Someone felt the need to dig old things up and portray me as some sort of great influence and answer to everything in relation to a certain matter. It was very flattering I guess. Funny no one said anything when it would have actually made a difference. I've no desire to take on old stuff. I'm not the same person anymore as I was back then.
What annoyed me the most was the fact that I was supposingly a subject of some sort but I was treated as if I was an object with no independent will or consideration. Some sort of fifth element, the answer to it all. I was told x, y and z will be done and then it will all be solved and peachy. I felt a mixture of annoyance and pleasure when I said well maybe I don't want/need IT anymore. It was all kind of sweet but at the same time, unnecessary and a bit depressing. This chat actually did the opposite of its initial goal. Not that I needed any reassurance of my decision but it did put the final nail in that coffin, juiced up with some horror imagery of what it would be like if had things gone the other way.
It also made me think of how fragile this circle of events in life is. How much bull shit there is out there and how blind so many (including myself) people are. It gives me great comfort to think that even if I make mistakes, I'm sane and brave enough to go the other way, when I finally do see the true nature of things. But yet I'm scared of the moments to come, when I lose control and forget myself.
It's a bitch to be able to see some bad patterns in people's lives. Not so much because I can't stop them from going round and round but more because it makes me wonder if I'm doing the same without realising.
Anyway.
Sunday 11 January 2009
A solution for the sovereign problem
Fucking simple. American Indians. The wisest, oldest and strongest man, who killed the most bears shall rule it all!
Tuesday 6 January 2009
Need for speed
Some things never change. One is my constant need for action. Where as no games make some people dull, what it does to me is the complete opposite. My mind is racing hundred miles an hour, so intense that I'm physically exhausted all the time. During those times, I try to reverse it and tire my physical side so greatly that my mind is unable to keep up. It helps sometimes but it doesn't remove the problem.
There has been way too much time to think about stuff. I feel like I'm at a junction, standing in between two or even three different directions. I've tasted a little of all of them, still unable to pick one. Today I'm going left, tomorrow it could be right.
I'm changing and I'm scared. I don't know what will become of little M. Things could end up amazingly or I could crash and burn. All I can do is wait and see
There has been way too much time to think about stuff. I feel like I'm at a junction, standing in between two or even three different directions. I've tasted a little of all of them, still unable to pick one. Today I'm going left, tomorrow it could be right.
I'm changing and I'm scared. I don't know what will become of little M. Things could end up amazingly or I could crash and burn. All I can do is wait and see
Tuesday 30 December 2008
I've been brainwashed!
the Christmas lights of the circus town
After my trip to Finland I have
- seriously considered colouring my hair darker and getting some crazy hair cut
- thought about buying an account on a webpage that streams Finnish TV-shows
- rediscovered some Finnish music and films I used to love
- understood the true meaning of the word honesty
- remembered how it feels like to be really close to someone
- ate nothing but rye bread with some crazy cream cheese on it
- realised how different I am now than I was when I left Finland...
Saturday 20 December 2008
You don't know but I don't care
I was going to write something here but then I realised I would probably delete it tomorrow. I'm not good with posts made while emotionally affected.
So instead I'm just gonna *sigh* and say fucking hell.
More other stuff soon, I promise.
So instead I'm just gonna *sigh* and say fucking hell.
More other stuff soon, I promise.
Wednesday 10 December 2008
And I didn't ask you why
Do you ever get a really strong feeling of connection to random things? Like when you hear a song or read a book or even just meet someone and it just really hits you?
A lot of that has been happening lately. Connections of all sort have been established, on the oddest occasions possible. Some songs, books and conversations with people have really...I don't know, touched me in some way.
Maybe it's the lack of routine and normal every day events, maybe something else. I always doubt these connections, they have failed me so many times before. My circumstances have created this need for something real but in an effort to find it, my mind creates illusions. That's the cynical analysis of it anyway.
Some of these connections have stayed even if I had forgotten them when other things happened. Some of them got milder or are constantly being shaken by disappointment and growing apart. Some still shake me to this day.
Well at least there's something happening. I sometimes feel like the storm is way better than the calm.
Maybe that's why I'm not sleeping
A lot of that has been happening lately. Connections of all sort have been established, on the oddest occasions possible. Some songs, books and conversations with people have really...I don't know, touched me in some way.
Maybe it's the lack of routine and normal every day events, maybe something else. I always doubt these connections, they have failed me so many times before. My circumstances have created this need for something real but in an effort to find it, my mind creates illusions. That's the cynical analysis of it anyway.
Some of these connections have stayed even if I had forgotten them when other things happened. Some of them got milder or are constantly being shaken by disappointment and growing apart. Some still shake me to this day.
Well at least there's something happening. I sometimes feel like the storm is way better than the calm.
Maybe that's why I'm not sleeping
Thursday 4 December 2008
Brainstorm spare time
Facebook can be an evil nostalgia raising monster. Scrolling through the profiles of old class mates, spying what they're up to these days. Came across on of the girls' profiles who was in the same class with me in Junior High. Her last name had changed and the profile was full of wedding photos and what not.
The immediate reaction was 'eek!' The second reaction was pretty much losing all respect for her sensible side. And then I started to wonder.
Another conversation popped into my head. On one occassion I grossly categorized people in to two groups: the ones who do the socially acceptable and desired thing (marriage, mortgage, children), the ones who can't seem to fit into these standards (stay single, don't want kids, live like they were 20 all their lives).
I immediately put her into the former. The cynical being I am, I also stripped her off of any sense or reasoning and doomed her to have a nasty divorce in no time. Nothing personal like, I just think it's stupid to get married for any other than tax or visa reasons, let alone get married when you're in your early twenties. Also, as it has happened so many times, sometimes, as time goes by, these people discover something that this other group has known all along. Maybe this really isn't the thing for me? Maybe I should just cut this social etiquette crap and do what I really want all the time.
In the midst of all this, the girl's imaginary response to my argument enters my thinking. "Some day you'll just want to settle down and have a nice life with someone, who will have you then when you've rejected so many?". For about a minute I actually feel moderately worried about that. Then I remember that I'm only young and anyone I ever spent a little bit of together time with, I would never want to marry or settle down with. I'd rather be alone than put up with their shit every day.
--
I sometimes think my mother worries about me being left alone. It also seems as if she thought I hadn't given the past relationships my everything and that I should have tried harder. She'd by no means want me to get married right now but sometimes I think her biological clock is ticking too, for the grand children. She enquired about the reasons as to why the last relationship ended. I think I gave her pretty valid reasons and came across as someone who had thought about it for a long while before the actual decision.
At first she seemed a bit confused. She didn't seem to understand the reason why I couldn't stay with this nice bloke, who just happened to piss me off so much every time I saw him. Who had been false. Who treated me like I was a child. She started this bull shit about having to put up with the bad sides of a person as well as the good ones. I told her there wasn't really any good ones there and that she'd hardly stay in a situation like that herself if she felt betrayed and undermined all the time. She said nothing. I guess I hit the right spot.
Funnily enough, someone who I at one stage thought I would marry some day (and have since changed my mind, hahah!), is having issues of similar sort. His girlfriend though, does not make him feel sick on a constant basis but he's very set in his ways and is finding it hard to find the common grounds and compromises because of it.
Maybe I'm not alone. Maybe if everything else fails, I should marry him, so we could be socially unacceptable together. Hahah!
--
This is totally the best time to think about things like that.
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