Hard to be smart

For a while I have been feeling pretty frustrated and bored when having to deal with people. Without sounding like a complete dick, I'm sick of listening to uninteresting, irrelevant shit about whatever their little world revolves around. I used to have patience, understanding and sympathy for these type of people but now I've just stopped listening.

I'm not saying I'm always telling witty or intelligent stories. I'm not some sort of genius either. I don't think that to be smart, you'll have to only go on about intriguing stuff. But when after some co-existing, there appears to be nothing of any interest coming out of someone's mouth, something that has zero to do with superficial shit or relationship drama, one wonders if there is anything to this person at all. If someone never talks about their opinions on things that really matter but have about 3 hours on hair spray or football, I can't help but to lose interest.

What annoys me even more are people who cannot understand that some people actually think about shit. These are the ones who will at first sign of any intelligent conversation say something like "Oh, I don't want to talk about that genius stuff" or "I just can't be bothered to think about that stuff". They'd rather talk about Beyonce for the rest of their lives than at least the odd time share their thoughts on real things like science or philosophy.

Me and R watched this documentary about this highly intelligent guy who also has pretty crazy OCD. After watching it we were discussing how intelligent people are kind of like autistic people in that they are extremely good at one thing but lack knowledge or skills in others. It appears that the brain is like a processor, shutting down areas which are of no use to the person but which can sometimes be reactivated through practice.

I guess my brain has Beyonce in Z-file

Glass is empty

I've been dwelling in this odd cynicism for the last couple of weeks.

A couple of years back I was going through a similar period. Something bad happened and I was rightly not trusting anyone around me (you know those gossip hungry no goods). After I got back on my feet I decided not to give a shit about anything. I was the lonely rider and didn't care about anyone getting on my way. I guess you could call it some sort of iron wall syndrome or something. Gradually I grew out of it. Now I seem to feel the same again.

When I was fresh out of high school I was going through a slightly different period of cynicism. I had no trouble trusting people (well at least as much as they were rationally worth it) but being around people made me very frustrated. Apart from a few close friends and some family members, I could not stand being around anyone. Anything any of these people said made me think how stupid and irrelevant their input was. Everything was really boring and I often found myself wanting to go home cuz at least then I wouldn't have to listen to all that nonsense. Now I seem to feel the same again.

I'm getting to the point in which I start to act a little crazy due to all this frustration. I crave for more likeminded people but while attempting to find them, I end up revealing all their faults, at least to me. It irritates me even more.

A Bad Day

Seeing as no one is listening:

FUCK

The Truth

This thing was inspired by a competition one of my family members was holding. The task was to write about our great grandmother who would have been hundred years old this month and then other family members would vote for the best.

My input was obviously too unflattering to ever end up on the webpage. But censorship only reaches out to the domains they own…

I’m way too young to remember my great grandmother; in fact I think she passed away several years before I was even thought about. Hence I can only imagine what she was like; put together with the little information I have been told over the years.

My great grandmother was a hardworking and traditional Finnish housewife. On top of her numerous children, she also adopted an orphan ignoring the fact that she was struggling to feed her own, let alone someone else’s kids. She married my great grandfather, who was born blind and remained so for all of his life. These facts seem to suggest that she was a loving and sympathetic woman who extended her love for those who had nothing.

While she probably kept the family together with a padded version of an iron fist, not much can be said about the people who were supposed to continue her legacy. If she was ever to return to see how we were getting on, she would be utterly appalled.

While most people have managed to break out from poverty and the constant worry over money, few have found themselves carrying on any of her sympathy. The large family she left behind and which kept extending long after she had passed away has disintegrated.

“What do you mean?” I hear the loudest crying out now. And yes, I am dying to give you some very cruel details of people doing horrible things to others in this family but I will most likely be excommunicated. I too am as greedy and soulless that I want to keep that very weak thread around our petty family, for my inheritance sake.

But without going into TOO much detail I can point out the things that are laid right before your eyes. For years, one of the oldest members of this family has been completely ignored. This seems to be due to a certain problem she has. Her direct family can’t seem to put up with her behaviour. Fair enough. However if they had bothered to investigate this matter a little closer, they would have found that her problems are directly linked to loneliness and the fact that no one seems to go over and visit.

These people who quietly judge her behaviour have in the mean time extended their “give hassle and I’m gone”-attitude to their children. With few exceptions, we find ourselves looking at people who have literally abandoned their offspring due failed marriages and teenage trouble. Some of these people have moved on and accepted that their parents have emotionally discontinued the relationship; some have crept through the darkest holes and fortunately found some new people to rely on.

There will be a time when we all get old and when everyone else has passed away. It is then when the spark for reviving these broken strings comes back to life. And that is when you find that you are the despised, lonely and troubled person you had ignored for most of your adult life. And believe me, no one is coming to save you.

Promises

Nothing pisses me off more than people who constantly make false promises.

The ultimate #1 though are the ones who make promises and then later claim the discussion never took place, leaving me in tricky situations.

I foolishly relied on a promise and didn't do X. Now it seems that I have imagined this conversation and due to time issues cannot do X which would have saved my ass in this case.

Unfortunately for these people, I ALWAYS have a plan B.

You fuck my shit up, I'll fuck yours right back, asswipe

Your shit never changes

It is kind of amusing that you still find the time and motivation to bullshit about me. What makes it desperate is the fact that no one seems to believe you, or they come straight up to me to reveal all your nonsense.

You probably don't remember but this is quite what I predicted back then. Remember when I said you'd still be your old sad self, seeking for any attention you can get. I nearly feel sorry for you, you're so pathetic.

I also know you have been reading this site for a while now. I find it quite weird that you spend so much time on it to be honest. But unlike you I have nothing to hide, you however should learn how to read properly before you go around telling shit to people.

I heard you were bitter due to my unwillingness to waste my time on you. I heard your "analysis" of why things went the way they did. People must be sick of hearing about me at this stage.

Please tell your people I don't really care to hear what crap your spreading around this time. I told mine not to bother with you long ago.

#@@!$!%

As the title suggests, I'm pissed off again. Unfortunately this place will again have to be the outlet for all this fucking ridiculous retardness.

It just seems that every single fucking time I get my shit together something new pops up. EVERY FUCKING TIME!!! This time the shit sent me straight to hell and while I was on my way home after this particular incident, I prayed no one would start to talk to me cuz I probably would have killed them right there and then.

FOR FUCKING 8 MONTHS I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR CERTAIN PEOPLE TO DO WHAT THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BY LAW! Finally I was promised that shit will be sorted by this weekend. So I go my merry way and think everything's gonna be ok.

And then...

NOTHING.

ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING DONE ABOUT IT.

WTF!!!!!!

The best part however is the aftermath. It's seldom that I totally lose it. This time was one of them. I must have pretty much used all the insults I have ever learned in both lingos respectively. I pretty much threatened to sue. I don't know how I managed to stop myself from physically harming this person. The fucking adrenalin rushing through me at that moment would have easily made me explode like a nuclear bomb.

There there, some would say now. It's not the end of the world. Damn fucking right it is not. But it fucking pisses me off I get fucked left, right and centre ALL THE FUCKING TIME! It is inconvenient to say the least, let alone putting me through more drama trying to sort the shit out caused by someone else's utter and disgusting lazyness. After fucking everything I have done to help when times were rough and all I get is more SHIT.

Sigh.

Right, better get on with this shit again I guess. Some day I'll just stop trying.

Motivation issues

Things that I should be doing:

• Reading 'The Mystery of Edwin Drood'
• Writing my reading journal
• Going through source material for my two philosophy essays
• Getting ready for my Fall of Athens exam
• Catching up with Literary Genre stuff

And all I want to do is to drink coffee, read shit on the Internet, watch TV, smoke and sleep.

Someone needs to give me a good kick.

Language crisis

Grammar police in action

Last night I had the ever so delightful task of writing a letter to the Finnish social welfare office. While the issue was pretty straightforward, the task wasn't. This time it wasn't the bureacracy that was killing me but the unability to write in my native lingo! I kept writing and erasing and rewriting but it just seemed to me that I wasn't making any sense. This led to paranoia even with familiar and easy sentences and everything I wrote just sounded...wrong somehow.

I don't get to use much of my terrible Finnish these days. In fact, the only time I use it is the once or twice a month conversation I have with my mom and the odd Finnish friend I talk to on Facebook. I guess it's pretty normal to be out of practice in this situation but what worries me is the longer I refrain from using it on a constant basis, the harder it will be to ever manage to write and speak fluently.

It would be little less painful if my English would have replaced Finnish as the native lingo. But it seems I still struggle with words and grammar and even though I'm well able to survive with the every-day business, I still feel like I'm academically retarded when it comes to language. It's particularly difficult as writing was always my best skill and now it just seems like I can't get it out anymore.

It doesn't help that a lot of my fellow students and even the tutors are not any better. I'd love for someone to look at my essays and correct even the little bit of confusion and error in them but at the present situation I get essays back and even I can find the grammar mistakes that the tutor did not notice. Finland in this aspect is completely different, and I've never met so many people completely ignorant and uninterested in writing the proper way and with proper lingo as I have in here. Academia in here seems to consist of fancy words with stupid apostrophy mistakes in between. They have the likes of Joyce and Yeats in their proud literary history but the modern university student can't even spell 'benefit' correctly.

So how do you expatriats (I know you've been lurking around) manage to cope with the lack of Finnish lingo abroad?

Fuck

Fucking fuckedy fucking fuck

Alone

So the Ph34r...

I have had some conflicts of such in the last few days, some of which include me directly, some of which I have been trying to sort out for other people's sake.

I don't mind being alone. I quite enjoy holding the reins and not letting too many people get on my way but the last few days have proved that no man really is an island.

I have been told. And it hurt. Instead of fighting it I decided, due to circumstances to stay quiet and swallow it. And now it's climbing back up.

I nearly feel like I'm suffocating. This one was too much. I wish someone was there to punch a hole in me and make it all better. But when were simple solutions ever available or as much "fun" as crawling in the mud.

M does not equal E

It hasn't been an easy week. While trying to make some sort of sense of the shit I have to study, other things pop out. I guess these things never come in "ones".

I was told something I kind of already knew. Someone felt the need to dig old things up and portray me as some sort of great influence and answer to everything in relation to a certain matter. It was very flattering I guess. Funny no one said anything when it would have actually made a difference. I've no desire to take on old stuff. I'm not the same person anymore as I was back then.

What annoyed me the most was the fact that I was supposingly a subject of some sort but I was treated as if I was an object with no independent will or consideration. Some sort of fifth element, the answer to it all. I was told x, y and z will be done and then it will all be solved and peachy. I felt a mixture of annoyance and pleasure when I said well maybe I don't want/need IT anymore. It was all kind of sweet but at the same time, unnecessary and a bit depressing. This chat actually did the opposite of its initial goal. Not that I needed any reassurance of my decision but it did put the final nail in that coffin, juiced up with some horror imagery of what it would be like if had things gone the other way.

It also made me think of how fragile this circle of events in life is. How much bull shit there is out there and how blind so many (including myself) people are. It gives me great comfort to think that even if I make mistakes, I'm sane and brave enough to go the other way, when I finally do see the true nature of things. But yet I'm scared of the moments to come, when I lose control and forget myself.

It's a bitch to be able to see some bad patterns in people's lives. Not so much because I can't stop them from going round and round but more because it makes me wonder if I'm doing the same without realising.

Anyway.

Two posts in a day, must be serious

Oh how I in times like these miss the police state. I'm not quite sure if the events I'm struggling with at present have anything to do with economical down turn (read complete disaster, we're going Iceland here) or whether it really is just another case of the manana attitude.

In Ireland if you're working and paying tax, you can deduct all sorts of things and receive what are known as "tax credits". So with myself having paid rent and medical bills, I thought I'd finally go and claim my money back.

It seems that my employer still hasn't sorted out my tax records for last year and it's bloody February! This basically means I can't claim anything back until I know the exact amount of tax and pay.

Also I'm STILL owed holiday pay from last year after asking her to get it sorted for the last 6 months. I'm seriously considering to ring the revenue and the union and will, if she doesn't do anything very soon. She's sitting on so much of my money, it makes me sick.