It hasn't been an easy week. While trying to make some sort of sense of the shit I have to study, other things pop out. I guess these things never come in "ones".
I was told something I kind of already knew. Someone felt the need to dig old things up and portray me as some sort of great influence and answer to everything in relation to a certain matter. It was very flattering I guess. Funny no one said anything when it would have actually made a difference. I've no desire to take on old stuff. I'm not the same person anymore as I was back then.
What annoyed me the most was the fact that I was supposingly a subject of some sort but I was treated as if I was an object with no independent will or consideration. Some sort of fifth element, the answer to it all. I was told x, y and z will be done and then it will all be solved and peachy. I felt a mixture of annoyance and pleasure when I said well maybe I don't want/need IT anymore. It was all kind of sweet but at the same time, unnecessary and a bit depressing. This chat actually did the opposite of its initial goal. Not that I needed any reassurance of my decision but it did put the final nail in that coffin, juiced up with some horror imagery of what it would be like if had things gone the other way.
It also made me think of how fragile this circle of events in life is. How much bull shit there is out there and how blind so many (including myself) people are. It gives me great comfort to think that even if I make mistakes, I'm sane and brave enough to go the other way, when I finally do see the true nature of things. But yet I'm scared of the moments to come, when I lose control and forget myself.
It's a bitch to be able to see some bad patterns in people's lives. Not so much because I can't stop them from going round and round but more because it makes me wonder if I'm doing the same without realising.
Anyway.
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