Chemical imbalance or something of the sort

Last couple of days have been a challenge. Last Sunday I was somewhat full of energy and ideas but as often is, the working week has stripped even the last bits of enthusiasm off. I have been coming home and sleeping without getting any less sleepy. Food doesn't taste like anything and there is a slight worry at the back of my head about where all this is leading to. My mind has been hard at work overanalysing everything and finding signs of decay. It's difficult to tell what, if any, part of that brainstorming is actually realistic.

It is one of those times when I again would like that someone noticed the way things are for me. I have spent many days now without anyone honestly wanting to know what is going on in my life. I know it's only I who should be blamed for this for how could anyone know when I'm not near people most of the time. I have talked to someone every day though but with all the excitement they have in their life, they are subconsciously shutting me up. And I don't want to fight or demand the attention I would probably deserve. Not right now.

I guess I just thought I should write it down to process it in my own head. Happier thoughts next time

Intermission

These past weeks have flown by without anything happening. It has been a waiting game for many reasons. Many changes and plans are to come, I tell myself. In all honesty, maybe it is my dour mood that has been making the days go by in the hope of a brighter future.

I'm in a loop of some sort. I keep alienating myself from others as there is nothing worth saying, yet so many thoughts on my mind. The events to come are making me both depressed and excited. Such is life, I guess.

All cryptic words aside, things will be changing soon. In the very near future I will lose someone who has been a remarkable part of my life for the past two months. Lose, I guess would refer to the geographical concept in this case as we are trying to make things work despite of that. Needless to say my heart is aching quite a lot because of this. Many questions are clouding my mind; will these feelings we have for each other be enough to keep it going for the unforeseeable time it will take me to make a definite decision? Am I too optimistic about the future prospects? Can I really trust him and myself to make the right choices for both of us?

On the other hand, all of those plans made during the last months will finally come to fruition. June will be the month of experiences of many kind on this island. July will bring me an adventure in a different country; hitchhiking, camping and retreating to the awesome wilderness on the many treks I have planned. August will bring together friends old and new in addition to the annual trip to the motherland. Lots, lots.

Maybe next time I write about the miracles happening around me and the truly amazing nature of people. For now I will shed a tear for lost things.

The great escape?

Recently my adopted home country has been pissing me off more and more. The weather is crap, dealing with any government organisation is painful and the small island has been feeling tinier by the day. I'm not one to stay in a crappy situation forever but the issue is where to go from here?

The last time I felt like this was nearly ten years ago in Finland. I was so miserable that the decision of leaving was easy. I wanted out and it didn't really matter where to. Now I'm older, more careful (read: scared) and keep wondering if I really will have the motivation needed to adjust to yet another new life.

I keep saying to others that eventually I will just reach that same point where life in the current situation just becomes too unbearable. Yet I keep thinking whether this is just some form of mantra I tell myself to keep it together. Maybe I should stop talking about plans and actually start to actively look for something else.

In all this I miss those friends who I used to confide to with these things. I have been quiet about things for so long that if I suddenly come out with 'hey I want to leave this relatively comfortable life for the unknown', they will be pretty sure to shoot me down if not section me. So I'm left alone with these thoughts and with no clear point where to start.

To make matters more complicated, I recently started to go out with someone who's planning to flee the island fairly soon. This has been somewhat encouraging but I can't follow him for the sake of being together either. That would just be a recipe for disaster. And I think I've had enough of that for a while now.

Imma back yo

So here's the deal. I haven't been a very good blogger or writer of any kind in the last year or two. I could go on about how I needed a break or that my life was somehow so miraculously interesting that I just didn't have time to share my somewhat irrelevant thoughts with the general public of the interwebs.

No, the truth is that at one stage, things just got so shit that I couldn't bear to even write it down to you complete strangers. I guess, in a way, it would have meant that I was admitting the pure horror I was living in. And that, my friends, is no way to live a perfectly formed tale of horrors.

As much as I would love to share all those gruesome details, I still think too little time has passed. Or perhaps I'm just not drunk enough yet. Whatever the case is, this is my grande comeback to the wonderful world of writing down shit that no one reads. Enjoy