Too fast

Maybe it's the simple life that makes one happy

I've finally admitted my problem of not being able to sit down. Don't get me wrong, I can sit down doing nothing for a whole day but I seem to be unable to relax or leave the worries/tasks/important stuff aside. I keep waking up at ridiculous hours and can't unwind and get back to sleep. I also find it very hard to fall asleep and often stay up half of the night. This inevitably leads to worries etc becoming even more painful in my head.

Everything seems to be on standby. Problems X, Y and Z will be resolved after I've sorted out A, B and C or when N months have passed. The only way I can keep myself sane these days is just telling myself, it'll all be ok when X,Y...

I know I should probably let some of the steam out and talk to someone but even the little bit I do, makes me feel like a piece of shit. I hate being this way when I'm around friends/loved ones. I have enough alone time to be miserable and anxious, why do I have to waste good time for stupid worries. On some days I feel like I'm gonna crack or start to cry for no reason (that could be hormonal too though) but I still feel talking is a waste of time. It never helped before or it doesn't last very long.

It's silly but I even feel stupid about moaning here time after time but I guess it's my blog and I do wahtever the hell I want with it.

It'll all be ok. I hope.

All you need is a little bit of Hotsauce

So after not sleeping and having a shit time altogether I finally managed to pull myself up. Not without a little help. It's amazing how after being alone (literally) even a little bit of human contact and care can actually solve a lot. The problems might not have disappeared but the mood has changed and I'm ready to get on with shit.

I forgot to say it to you today but thanks so much for being there. You have no idea how much it means to me.

Alone

So the Ph34r...

I have had some conflicts of such in the last few days, some of which include me directly, some of which I have been trying to sort out for other people's sake.

I don't mind being alone. I quite enjoy holding the reins and not letting too many people get on my way but the last few days have proved that no man really is an island.

I have been told. And it hurt. Instead of fighting it I decided, due to circumstances to stay quiet and swallow it. And now it's climbing back up.

I nearly feel like I'm suffocating. This one was too much. I wish someone was there to punch a hole in me and make it all better. But when were simple solutions ever available or as much "fun" as crawling in the mud.

Ph34r

Out of the blue, it struck me.

M does not equal E

It hasn't been an easy week. While trying to make some sort of sense of the shit I have to study, other things pop out. I guess these things never come in "ones".

I was told something I kind of already knew. Someone felt the need to dig old things up and portray me as some sort of great influence and answer to everything in relation to a certain matter. It was very flattering I guess. Funny no one said anything when it would have actually made a difference. I've no desire to take on old stuff. I'm not the same person anymore as I was back then.

What annoyed me the most was the fact that I was supposingly a subject of some sort but I was treated as if I was an object with no independent will or consideration. Some sort of fifth element, the answer to it all. I was told x, y and z will be done and then it will all be solved and peachy. I felt a mixture of annoyance and pleasure when I said well maybe I don't want/need IT anymore. It was all kind of sweet but at the same time, unnecessary and a bit depressing. This chat actually did the opposite of its initial goal. Not that I needed any reassurance of my decision but it did put the final nail in that coffin, juiced up with some horror imagery of what it would be like if had things gone the other way.

It also made me think of how fragile this circle of events in life is. How much bull shit there is out there and how blind so many (including myself) people are. It gives me great comfort to think that even if I make mistakes, I'm sane and brave enough to go the other way, when I finally do see the true nature of things. But yet I'm scared of the moments to come, when I lose control and forget myself.

It's a bitch to be able to see some bad patterns in people's lives. Not so much because I can't stop them from going round and round but more because it makes me wonder if I'm doing the same without realising.

Anyway.

Two posts in a day, must be serious

Oh how I in times like these miss the police state. I'm not quite sure if the events I'm struggling with at present have anything to do with economical down turn (read complete disaster, we're going Iceland here) or whether it really is just another case of the manana attitude.

In Ireland if you're working and paying tax, you can deduct all sorts of things and receive what are known as "tax credits". So with myself having paid rent and medical bills, I thought I'd finally go and claim my money back.

It seems that my employer still hasn't sorted out my tax records for last year and it's bloody February! This basically means I can't claim anything back until I know the exact amount of tax and pay.

Also I'm STILL owed holiday pay from last year after asking her to get it sorted for the last 6 months. I'm seriously considering to ring the revenue and the union and will, if she doesn't do anything very soon. She's sitting on so much of my money, it makes me sick.

Busy

Recently I've kept myself busy with these themes:

Richard Dawkins: The Oxford professor has a very amusing but educational channel going. I specificly like the interview with a former member of the exclusive bretheren. She has some pretty sensible arguments about the effect of cult religion in the development of children. The amusing part of the channel are the life in universe lectures given for the child/teenager audience.

Thomas Nagel and "What it's like to be a bat?": Nagel brought out a theory of the mind/body dilemma in the 70s (?). It's a very good read and will definitely make one question about the duality a lot. We had a lot of good arguments against his conclusion as well.

Thucydides and the Peloponnesian War: it is extremely hard not to fall asleep while reading his account of the events but it's amazing to think how old the book is. Thucydides does not escape bias but compared to many other authors of the time, he was able to leave most of his personal opinions out.

Irish history in the 19th c. : The more I read, the less respect I have for the English at the time. I've often criticised the Irish for not having a clear plan on how to do things and how to conduct politics in the past (with the exception of Catholic Emancipation), but the English are getting their fair share of the disapproval the more I read about their bad politics towards the Irish