What I am

Perception can be a bitch. Some days I swear I'd pay good money not to be constantly so aware of things and characteristics of people, not so much because they annoy me but more so because these things make living in my own self so bloody difficult. On other days I'm glad I'm not one of those clueless ones around me.

We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Most people can attempt to enhance their good sides and work to reduce the effect of the bad ones yet so many are completely unaware of themselves. They have absolutely no clue as to how others perceive them and thus can do nothing about it.

Throughout my life I've seen people who were weak in one way or the other. I was forced to interact with some of these people and as some weaknesses are more profound than others, they had an effect on me. If I was unable to do anything about the situation (ie. go away, force the person to stop etc), I started to act quite the opposite way myself. I decided that I would never be one of those people who argue all the time/burden others with all their worries/talk too much/cling to others etc...

Instead of having just a little voice at the back of my head reminding me not to overdo shit, I completely abandoned the kind of behaviour I loathed so much. I stopped talking about my shit because I hated it when others did it constantly. I stopped asking for help even when I was in a train wreck mode because I hated the way people were so weak and clingy. I stopped letting people near me because I was sick of having to endure the aftermaths of other people's broken relationships.

It wasn't always easy. It still isn't. I am too weak and slip of my master plan every now and then. I sometimes even live through periods of doubt and wonder if I really should dictate my letting emotions out at all. I've even been a happy emotional burden at times.

I always return to my old habits. Sometimes people or situations remind me of the necessity for these precautions, sometimes I just get so ashamed of myself and the way I've started to turn into those people who I can't bare.

Doing this is difficult sometimes. When times are hard I keep reminding myself that I'm the only one who I can really trust and risking shit even if it brought some temporary happiness would eventually lead to some horrible unhappiness and when I count the prize of both scenarios, it's pretty clear which side wins. And anyway, I'm pretty good at all this now, and can get the best of both worlds without people even realising that they know very little about what is actually going on in my head.

So yeah, it's pretty crazy I guess. I guess I'm even crazier as I kind of enjoy all this control. I know that in pretty much any scenario I can undercut the amount of misery when others will fall so hard. That's just what I am.

My weakness is the need to control the amount of information available for people perceiving me. And let me tell you, you don't know shit.

Worry

Something has been bothering me.

I might have uncovered something.

This something is not good.

There's very little I can do about this something.

I'll let this something be...

...for now

You know you've been in Recession Ireland for too long when...

The media has been screaming about the young Irish leaving the country and Eire potentially losing a whole generation. In the past couple of weeks the highest search engine entry leading here has been the one describing the ways foreigners would know they've become accustomed to this place. Recently, it seems, a lot of Irish people are wondering if they've been here for too long...

So the public shall get what it wants:

You know you've been in Recession Ireland for too long when...

- When comparing supermarket receipts and queueing outside Lidl at 6am just to get a €1 special offer pack of sausages, is the meaning of life for you.

- You've substituted that ridiculously expensive bottle of wine with a liquid used for cleaning floors

- Your educated opinion of the current political atmosphere boils down to 'they are all bastards'

- You have fallen out with all of your friends working for the opposite sector and think public/private workers should be all slaughtered just so you can keep another per cent of your wages.

- You are scared to tell your friends that you are going on holidays to Brittas Bay, in case they get jealous.

- Your children are completely out of control due to not getting their weekly €100 toys, and you realise that now you actually have to spend time with them!

- You got yourself a new phone number just so you don't have to talk to all the people looking for money for your bills.

- You plan on telling your future grandchildren about the good old days when champagne was considered breakfast and cocaine lunch

Glass is empty

I've been dwelling in this odd cynicism for the last couple of weeks.

A couple of years back I was going through a similar period. Something bad happened and I was rightly not trusting anyone around me (you know those gossip hungry no goods). After I got back on my feet I decided not to give a shit about anything. I was the lonely rider and didn't care about anyone getting on my way. I guess you could call it some sort of iron wall syndrome or something. Gradually I grew out of it. Now I seem to feel the same again.

When I was fresh out of high school I was going through a slightly different period of cynicism. I had no trouble trusting people (well at least as much as they were rationally worth it) but being around people made me very frustrated. Apart from a few close friends and some family members, I could not stand being around anyone. Anything any of these people said made me think how stupid and irrelevant their input was. Everything was really boring and I often found myself wanting to go home cuz at least then I wouldn't have to listen to all that nonsense. Now I seem to feel the same again.

I'm getting to the point in which I start to act a little crazy due to all this frustration. I crave for more likeminded people but while attempting to find them, I end up revealing all their faults, at least to me. It irritates me even more.

Chance

Do you know someone who has had too many chances of putting things right but has continuously declined to? Someone who doesn't let go of the pride holding him/her back.

My mom has been guild tripping me to reunite with someone like this. I can see that she wants to make things better before it's too late.

She doesn't understand that this person has contributed absolutely nothing to our relationship since donkey's years ago.

I sometimes wonder if I will regret blocking this person when he is gone. I wonder if I should let go of all the things that were said and done. I wonder if things would be better and forgotten.

But when I have swallowed my pride and put the cat on the table myself and only got pathetic answers in return, do I really want this person in my life? Everyone gets a chance, most people get two but this person has continuously ignored or laughed at this situation. Why would I bother?

Why should I be the adult when he has had so much more time to act like one?

The annual fashion observation post

I'm not big into following fashion and trends. Whenever I see something I like, trendy or not, or when I need something I buy it. My outfits could be described as conservative.

I also don't really care what my friends/boyfriend wear(s). I do admire people who look really nice and use the proper accessories etc but I really could not be bothered to spend more than 3 minutes each morning picking up different outfits. Call me boring, I don't care.

There are however certain things that just make me gag. Some of these things only annoy me if the person in question is my partner, some of them are universal.

Guys:

1. If you are not fifty, please don't dress like one. I went out with a guy who probably would have been thrilled to inherit my dad's wardrobe.

2. Smart casual. Guys wearing a V-neck sweater and a shirt when they are not working. Immediately makes me think that they have no personality and that they let their moms/girlfriends dress them up.

3. Cliche outfits. Emos wearing nothing but Deftones t-shirts, black pants and black make-up. The reason: no matter how quirky they might look, they often lack in personality.

4. Groomed men. Men need to be a bit scruffy, a bit masculine. Someone who spends more time getting ready in the morning than I do, has a serious problem.

5. Camp straight guys. It's confusing (are they gay or what??!!) and it just looks fucking ridiculous.

6. Designer obsessed. I don't give a shit what it says in your shirt. Shows a great deal of superficiality. Laughable.

7. Tracksuits, sports gear. If you are not doing any sports or lazying around at home, why wear shit like that? Also for all the scum bags out there: wearing a cap only halfway makes you look stupid and the greasy hair peeking out makes me want to vomit.

Girls

1. Wonder why guys think you are a slapper? Wearing a gold minidress with stripper shoes might be a clue to this big mystery. Although the no.7 in guys section will absolutely LOVE you. Often accompanied with so much make-up no one would recognise you if you went out without

2. Fashion freaks. Every now and then the fashion designers really get it wrong. Why do you follow blindly? Indicates a lack of personality and opinion.

3. Cliche outfits. As with guys.

4. Princesses. Wearing pink is ok. Wearing cream cake skirts with tiaras etc makes you look like a fucking 12 year old. Don't expect anyone proper to ever talk to you.

5. The "I don't give a shit"-look. People who try to be casual about their clothes but anyone can see they got up at 5am to make it "just perfect".

A Bad Day

Seeing as no one is listening:

FUCK