Cute Swedish song

I've been brainwashed!

the Christmas lights of the circus town

After my trip to Finland I have

• seriously considered colouring my hair darker and getting some crazy hair cut
• thought about buying an account on a webpage that streams Finnish TV-shows
• rediscovered some Finnish music and films I used to love
• understood the true meaning of the word honesty
• remembered how it feels like to be really close to someone
• ate nothing but rye bread with some crazy cream cheese on it
  
• realised how different I am now than I was when I left Finland...

...and it makes me wonder if I was able to live there again some day.

The Feeeenland Xperience

Well well well.

Finland, my dear motherland has been somewhat interesting this year. It seems that since the last time, a lot of my old school mates have settled down (eek), had children (eek) but are otherwise still exactly the same they were before.

I have been nearly able to keep myself from cracking up, but I must admit I seem to be going through some sort of a cultural shock, even though I know how things go here. It's still hard to get used to the uncomfortable modesty, straightforwardness and the polite minding one's own business attitude

I've adapted a tiny bit though. I've relearned not to say hello to people and I didn't think it was too weird that my ex boyfriend pinched my ear while passing by instead of saying hi. After a few fatal incidents I've learned not to joke around as freely, as people here have a completely different sense of humour, so it seems.

It has been good to catch up with people and do absolutely nothing all day. It'll be even better to go back to Ireland, and re-realise that maybe the little shitty green island isn't that bad after all.

You don't know but I don't care

I was going to write something here but then I realised I would probably delete it tomorrow. I'm not good with posts made while emotionally affected.

So instead I'm just gonna *sigh* and say fucking hell.

More other stuff soon, I promise.

The nightmare also known as male hormones

Warning: contains bad language, bitching and capital letters.

Finally got myself to sort out some unfinished business with a member of the male gender. I wasn't putting it off because it was difficult, but mostly because I didn't really want to discuss with the person in question.

I was delighted to notice that for once it wasn't painful and didn't make me want to strangle you. We had a proper civilized conversation of things that needed to be discussed and I even listened to some of your personal shit while I was at it.

but WHY FFS YOU FUCKING IDIOT ARSEHOLE BASTARD do you then somehow feel that it's appropriate to reapproach me with such UTTER SHIT afterwards. If I'm nice to you for 2 seconds, it doesn't mean I want to sleep with you. I don't really even want to see you, let alone share any "physical affection" with you. Why don't you have a fucking wank or something, and stop pestering every poor female on this globe with your needs. It's annoying, uncomfortable and makes you look like a right idiot.

FUCK OFF YOU SAD DESPERATE CUNT

p.s While you're at it, cut the sensitive shit. It doesn't make you look like a fragile art-y person, all it does is make you look gay, that doesn't seem to be what you desire anyway.

Today's annoyances

Expatriats who complain about the country they live in but still decide to stay longer.

"Christmas spirit" and the effect it has on people (and their attitudes which will cleverly change right after the holidays)

Stupid governmental service numbers: please hold while we pretend you don't exists.

Not living closer to town: the village is wrecking my head

Bad fingers

I was trying to add something to the post that was here and I somehow accidentally pressed 'delete' instead of 'edit'.

Too lazy to write it down again, so soz

Where do I start, where do I begin?

Sigh.



Losing people. Not easy. Don't know what to say.

Showing me something incredible and then going away. Letting me in a little inside information and then going away when I needed you the most. Yes I'm selfish, I never claimed anything else. I need you here. I need the help on my journey to unknown territory.

What can I say. I guess, in the end it was inevitable. Yet I'm still amazed with the weight it struck me with. I guess you can never be prepared enough for these things

Ain't talking, just walking.

I miss you already.

And I didn't ask you why

Do you ever get a really strong feeling of connection to random things? Like when you hear a song or read a book or even just meet someone and it just really hits you?

A lot of that has been happening lately. Connections of all sort have been established, on the oddest occasions possible. Some songs, books and conversations with people have really...I don't know, touched me in some way.

Maybe it's the lack of routine and normal every day events, maybe something else. I always doubt these connections, they have failed me so many times before. My circumstances have created this need for something real but in an effort to find it, my mind creates illusions. That's the cynical analysis of it anyway.

Some of these connections have stayed even if I had forgotten them when other things happened. Some of them got milder or are constantly being shaken by disappointment and growing apart. Some still shake me to this day.

Well at least there's something happening. I sometimes feel like the storm is way better than the calm.

Maybe that's why I'm not sleeping

Late/early thoughts

I've been attempting to study now for the last hour or so. Descartes can be very draining I tell you.

Something that caught my attention though and which I had discussed with someone not too long ago. Descartes talks about the mind-body dualism which is a very interesting concept. Basically he's saying that the body is linked to the mind but they are not the same etc.

This reminded me of a conversation I had had about existence and out of body experiences. When one "exits" the body, it in a way breaks the boundaries set for human beings. It gives us a new perspective to life. If we go Descarte here, one could say that if our body wasn't so poor and our sensory perception was better, we would be able to understand and to see the universe better than we can know. So therefore, there could be a whole new level of things that we just can't perceive. I guess that's partly why people sometimes see things that are considered not to exists.

I remember perceiving a lot more when I was a child. I remember seeing things that I couldn't explain. Now I was very rational even in my young days, and was never scared of monsters etc because I could reason to myself that they did not exist. I perceived things that I could not understand and had no better knowledge or experience to explain.

Sometimes I wonder if I really did just get wiser or whether I just stopped perceiving these things after I got older, who knows

Mom would not approve

It's 4:40am.
I have an exam tomorrow.
I can't sleep.
I'm drinking vodka.
I'm not studying.

More wine tasting

"While I enjoyed the 2005 Carmen Cabernet Sauvignon, I didn’t find it quite as exceptional as some other Chilean Cabernets I’ve tried. On the nose it’s cherry, tobacco and currant. It has good concentration on the palate, with cherry, blackberry, and currant. It has very smooth tannins, giving this a nice mouth feel." www.cheapwineratings.com says it all lol

The best of the off-licence for a tenner!

Brainstorm spare time

Love the photo, credits to Nisha, link to her other stuff on the side too ->

Facebook can be an evil nostalgia raising monster. Scrolling through the profiles of old class mates, spying what they're up to these days. Came across on of the girls' profiles who was in the same class with me in Junior High. Her last name had changed and the profile was full of wedding photos and what not.

The immediate reaction was 'eek!' The second reaction was pretty much losing all respect for her sensible side. And then I started to wonder.

Another conversation popped into my head. On one occassion I grossly categorized people in to two groups: the ones who do the socially acceptable and desired thing (marriage, mortgage, children), the ones who can't seem to fit into these standards (stay single, don't want kids, live like they were 20 all their lives).

I immediately put her into the former. The cynical being I am, I also stripped her off of any sense or reasoning and doomed her to have a nasty divorce in no time. Nothing personal like, I just think it's stupid to get married for any other than tax or visa reasons, let alone get married when you're in your early twenties. Also, as it has happened so many times, sometimes, as time goes by, these people discover something that this other group has known all along. Maybe this really isn't the thing for me? Maybe I should just cut this social etiquette crap and do what I really want all the time.

In the midst of all this, the girl's imaginary response to my argument enters my thinking. "Some day you'll just want to settle down and have a nice life with someone, who will have you then when you've rejected so many?". For about a minute I actually feel moderately worried about that. Then I remember that I'm only young and anyone I ever spent a little bit of together time with, I would never want to marry or settle down with. I'd rather be alone than put up with their shit every day.

--

I sometimes think my mother worries about me being left alone. It also seems as if she thought I hadn't given the past relationships my everything and that I should have tried harder. She'd by no means want me to get married right now but sometimes I think her biological clock is ticking too, for the grand children. She enquired about the reasons as to why the last relationship ended. I think I gave her pretty valid reasons and came across as someone who had thought about it for a long while before the actual decision.

At first she seemed a bit confused. She didn't seem to understand the reason why I couldn't stay with this nice bloke, who just happened to piss me off so much every time I saw him. Who had been false. Who treated me like I was a child. She started this bull shit about having to put up with the bad sides of a person as well as the good ones. I told her there wasn't really any good ones there and that she'd hardly stay in a situation like that herself if she felt betrayed and undermined all the time. She said nothing. I guess I hit the right spot.

Funnily enough, someone who I at one stage thought I would marry some day (and have since changed my mind, hahah!), is having issues of similar sort. His girlfriend though, does not make him feel sick on a constant basis but he's very set in his ways and is finding it hard to find the common grounds and compromises because of it.

Maybe I'm not alone. Maybe if everything else fails, I should marry him, so we could be socially unacceptable together. Hahah!


--

This is totally the best time to think about things like that.

This cracked me up

If not feel well after, get stoned

That's my new philosophy for life.