Chemical imbalance or something of the sort

Last couple of days have been a challenge. Last Sunday I was somewhat full of energy and ideas but as often is, the working week has stripped even the last bits of enthusiasm off. I have been coming home and sleeping without getting any less sleepy. Food doesn't taste like anything and there is a slight worry at the back of my head about where all this is leading to. My mind has been hard at work overanalysing everything and finding signs of decay. It's difficult to tell what, if any, part of that brainstorming is actually realistic.

It is one of those times when I again would like that someone noticed the way things are for me. I have spent many days now without anyone honestly wanting to know what is going on in my life. I know it's only I who should be blamed for this for how could anyone know when I'm not near people most of the time. I have talked to someone every day though but with all the excitement they have in their life, they are subconsciously shutting me up. And I don't want to fight or demand the attention I would probably deserve. Not right now.

I guess I just thought I should write it down to process it in my own head. Happier thoughts next time

Intermission

These past weeks have flown by without anything happening. It has been a waiting game for many reasons. Many changes and plans are to come, I tell myself. In all honesty, maybe it is my dour mood that has been making the days go by in the hope of a brighter future.

I'm in a loop of some sort. I keep alienating myself from others as there is nothing worth saying, yet so many thoughts on my mind. The events to come are making me both depressed and excited. Such is life, I guess.

All cryptic words aside, things will be changing soon. In the very near future I will lose someone who has been a remarkable part of my life for the past two months. Lose, I guess would refer to the geographical concept in this case as we are trying to make things work despite of that. Needless to say my heart is aching quite a lot because of this. Many questions are clouding my mind; will these feelings we have for each other be enough to keep it going for the unforeseeable time it will take me to make a definite decision? Am I too optimistic about the future prospects? Can I really trust him and myself to make the right choices for both of us?

On the other hand, all of those plans made during the last months will finally come to fruition. June will be the month of experiences of many kind on this island. July will bring me an adventure in a different country; hitchhiking, camping and retreating to the awesome wilderness on the many treks I have planned. August will bring together friends old and new in addition to the annual trip to the motherland. Lots, lots.

Maybe next time I write about the miracles happening around me and the truly amazing nature of people. For now I will shed a tear for lost things.

The great escape?

Recently my adopted home country has been pissing me off more and more. The weather is crap, dealing with any government organisation is painful and the small island has been feeling tinier by the day. I'm not one to stay in a crappy situation forever but the issue is where to go from here?

The last time I felt like this was nearly ten years ago in Finland. I was so miserable that the decision of leaving was easy. I wanted out and it didn't really matter where to. Now I'm older, more careful (read: scared) and keep wondering if I really will have the motivation needed to adjust to yet another new life.

I keep saying to others that eventually I will just reach that same point where life in the current situation just becomes too unbearable. Yet I keep thinking whether this is just some form of mantra I tell myself to keep it together. Maybe I should stop talking about plans and actually start to actively look for something else.

In all this I miss those friends who I used to confide to with these things. I have been quiet about things for so long that if I suddenly come out with 'hey I want to leave this relatively comfortable life for the unknown', they will be pretty sure to shoot me down if not section me. So I'm left alone with these thoughts and with no clear point where to start.

To make matters more complicated, I recently started to go out with someone who's planning to flee the island fairly soon. This has been somewhat encouraging but I can't follow him for the sake of being together either. That would just be a recipe for disaster. And I think I've had enough of that for a while now.

Imma back yo

So here's the deal. I haven't been a very good blogger or writer of any kind in the last year or two. I could go on about how I needed a break or that my life was somehow so miraculously interesting that I just didn't have time to share my somewhat irrelevant thoughts with the general public of the interwebs.

No, the truth is that at one stage, things just got so shit that I couldn't bear to even write it down to you complete strangers. I guess, in a way, it would have meant that I was admitting the pure horror I was living in. And that, my friends, is no way to live a perfectly formed tale of horrors.

As much as I would love to share all those gruesome details, I still think too little time has passed. Or perhaps I'm just not drunk enough yet. Whatever the case is, this is my grande comeback to the wonderful world of writing down shit that no one reads. Enjoy

The White Stripes The Denial Twist

Complicated

"You desired my attention
but denied my affections"

Yes, because I wanted you to stay the fuck away from my heart!

Ireland's drug policy is pure hipocracy

For the last couple of years the so called head shops have been supplying Irish people with all sorts of "legal highs". The recession might have hit many businesses but these little nests of controversy kept flourishing. That was until a couple of weeks back when the government panic-banned pretty much all the products they were selling.

I'm not a great supporter of any substance that hasn't gone through a series of clinical trials to determine what exactly it does to people. Some of the legal highs were probably pretty harmless and didn't (for a mentally well-balanced) have any negative effects when used in moderation. Yet I didn't like the fact that you really didn't know what was in all that stuff.

Another legal "high" our society has grown to accept is of course alcohol. There has been numerous studies on short and long-term effects, studies which have seldom come out with anything positive. A mentally and physically healthy adult can "enjoy" the effects of alcohol without it resulting in any serious damage when used in moderation.

Yet we have many people out there who constantly misuse alcohol and who probably shouldn't be touching it at all. Some of these people probably have to take advantage of tax money in treating their addiction but the government won't do anything about the problem of alcohol because a) there would be an uproar if they banned it and b) they get a HUGE amount of tax revenue from alcohol sales.

These head shops were actually making a difference in the Irish drug culture. People who might have given their money to the drug lords instead opted for the legal and safer way. They paid VAT while doing this. Since the ban, there is absolutely zero VAT money coming from the sale of highs and the real drug gangsters must be loving the government.

As I said before, I'm not really on for this synthetic crap that head shops sold. If the government was wise, they would legalise drugs like cannabis and collect a huge amount of tax revenue from all the sales. They would significantly reduce the power of criminals in the drug business and probably attract some much needed tourism. It goes without saying that new government-controlled growing farms would create more jobs and that by growing the stuff themselves, the government could do some proper quality control.

Yes, some people would not be able to control themselves and know their limits but there are all sorts of ways to monitor and hand our "doses" rather than unlimited amounts of drugs. Plus with all that revenue coming in, they can afford to treat these few who couldn't handle it.

An adult who knows their limits and know how much or little (or none at all) drugs they can safely consume should not be penalised because some others might not be capable of the same thing. In these recession times, the government should be taking some calculated risks to lift this country from the mess they created.

Creepy

Recently an anonymous someone approached me via text message to inform me about something.

At first I thought it was some sort of a joke or prank.

I still haven't established whether the stuff this person is telling me is true or not.

But I now know that someone's been watching me for quite a while...

Hard to be smart

For a while I have been feeling pretty frustrated and bored when having to deal with people. Without sounding like a complete dick, I'm sick of listening to uninteresting, irrelevant shit about whatever their little world revolves around. I used to have patience, understanding and sympathy for these type of people but now I've just stopped listening.

I'm not saying I'm always telling witty or intelligent stories. I'm not some sort of genius either. I don't think that to be smart, you'll have to only go on about intriguing stuff. But when after some co-existing, there appears to be nothing of any interest coming out of someone's mouth, something that has zero to do with superficial shit or relationship drama, one wonders if there is anything to this person at all. If someone never talks about their opinions on things that really matter but have about 3 hours on hair spray or football, I can't help but to lose interest.

What annoys me even more are people who cannot understand that some people actually think about shit. These are the ones who will at first sign of any intelligent conversation say something like "Oh, I don't want to talk about that genius stuff" or "I just can't be bothered to think about that stuff". They'd rather talk about Beyonce for the rest of their lives than at least the odd time share their thoughts on real things like science or philosophy.

Me and R watched this documentary about this highly intelligent guy who also has pretty crazy OCD. After watching it we were discussing how intelligent people are kind of like autistic people in that they are extremely good at one thing but lack knowledge or skills in others. It appears that the brain is like a processor, shutting down areas which are of no use to the person but which can sometimes be reactivated through practice.

I guess my brain has Beyonce in Z-file

Compliments

P: You are probably one of the toughest and most stoic persons I've ever met.

M: Why thank you. Obviously I will have to suppress any pleasure that statement might have given.

P: And that is exactly why I like you, hahahah

I really have to applaud Louis Walsh...

For coming up with this shit

On religion

First of all, let me explain my thoughts on religion and spirituality. I don't believe in god(s), I don't believe that there is anything supernatural hovering over us and that we go anywhere after death. I think Richard Dawkins is a complete dick but at least he makes sense. I'm very much against religious institutions, state religion, teaching religion lessons of any sort to children and the molly cuddling of religious people in the society.

Contrary to what many may think, I actually grew up in fairly religious surroundings. My grand dad is a vicar and as I spent a lot of time around him, was obviously subject to a good bit of religious tradition. My mother was a slightly more modern Christian and she never really made me or my brother do anything religious.

I've always been a fairly logical person. When I was younger I remember being scared of monsters when the lights in my room were turned off but I could often reason to myself that as I had never seen monsters and my parents told me there were none, there was a pretty good chance that they didn't exist. When I was around six I decided that this was to be the same about God. When I was a teenager, I learned about other religions but they did not convince me either.

A couple of weeks ago a conversation took place between myself and a couple of other people. Most of these people had previously put forward their anti-religious views. As with myself they disliked religion having such a high status in society but also nearly despised people who were religious. One of them had later changed their mind and recognised some situations (eg. war) in which religion might be beneficial for the welfare of people.

As I stated earlier, religion is really not my cup of tea and IMO should not be of any reasonable person's either. I find it very hard to interact with people who believe in all sorts of toothfairy like creatures with absolutely no unbiased, scientific evidence to support their claims. Would you trust me if I went about believing that leprechauns existed and should be worshipped?

Having said that, I have seen faith change people's lives and make things better for them, not due to some magical power from up above but the fact that they got their life back on track because they had faith even if it was to a non-existent creature(s). I've seen people survive through rough times because they had their faith. I've seen something positive come out of it.

Yeah so that's all nice and dandy for those people. If it works for you, it works for you. One might even say that who am I to tell what people should do to survive or be happy.

What I don't accept in this whole thinking is the fact that it trains people to be weak. If you have to hold on to some sort of supernatural creature you haven't seen (that you can scientifically prove), you have a problem. If you can't handle unhappiness without talking to this creature and not, say, a real person, you have a problem. If you are afraid of dying so much that you sign up for religion, well, that's just a bit pathetic.

The worst part of all this is of course the fact that children all over the world are brought up to trust in the same bs as their parents. No wonder there are so many absolutely useless people out there.

If you are offended by what I've just written, please do not contact me, I really don't care for your religious views and conversion attempts. If you have some sort of interesting point to make about the actual point of this post, feel free to elaborate.

What I am

Perception can be a bitch. Some days I swear I'd pay good money not to be constantly so aware of things and characteristics of people, not so much because they annoy me but more so because these things make living in my own self so bloody difficult. On other days I'm glad I'm not one of those clueless ones around me.

We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Most people can attempt to enhance their good sides and work to reduce the effect of the bad ones yet so many are completely unaware of themselves. They have absolutely no clue as to how others perceive them and thus can do nothing about it.

Throughout my life I've seen people who were weak in one way or the other. I was forced to interact with some of these people and as some weaknesses are more profound than others, they had an effect on me. If I was unable to do anything about the situation (ie. go away, force the person to stop etc), I started to act quite the opposite way myself. I decided that I would never be one of those people who argue all the time/burden others with all their worries/talk too much/cling to others etc...

Instead of having just a little voice at the back of my head reminding me not to overdo shit, I completely abandoned the kind of behaviour I loathed so much. I stopped talking about my shit because I hated it when others did it constantly. I stopped asking for help even when I was in a train wreck mode because I hated the way people were so weak and clingy. I stopped letting people near me because I was sick of having to endure the aftermaths of other people's broken relationships.

It wasn't always easy. It still isn't. I am too weak and slip of my master plan every now and then. I sometimes even live through periods of doubt and wonder if I really should dictate my letting emotions out at all. I've even been a happy emotional burden at times.

I always return to my old habits. Sometimes people or situations remind me of the necessity for these precautions, sometimes I just get so ashamed of myself and the way I've started to turn into those people who I can't bare.

Doing this is difficult sometimes. When times are hard I keep reminding myself that I'm the only one who I can really trust and risking shit even if it brought some temporary happiness would eventually lead to some horrible unhappiness and when I count the prize of both scenarios, it's pretty clear which side wins. And anyway, I'm pretty good at all this now, and can get the best of both worlds without people even realising that they know very little about what is actually going on in my head.

So yeah, it's pretty crazy I guess. I guess I'm even crazier as I kind of enjoy all this control. I know that in pretty much any scenario I can undercut the amount of misery when others will fall so hard. That's just what I am.

My weakness is the need to control the amount of information available for people perceiving me. And let me tell you, you don't know shit.

Worry

Something has been bothering me.

I might have uncovered something.

This something is not good.

There's very little I can do about this something.

I'll let this something be...

...for now

You know you've been in Recession Ireland for too long when...

The media has been screaming about the young Irish leaving the country and Eire potentially losing a whole generation. In the past couple of weeks the highest search engine entry leading here has been the one describing the ways foreigners would know they've become accustomed to this place. Recently, it seems, a lot of Irish people are wondering if they've been here for too long...

So the public shall get what it wants:

You know you've been in Recession Ireland for too long when...

- When comparing supermarket receipts and queueing outside Lidl at 6am just to get a €1 special offer pack of sausages, is the meaning of life for you.

- You've substituted that ridiculously expensive bottle of wine with a liquid used for cleaning floors

- Your educated opinion of the current political atmosphere boils down to 'they are all bastards'

- You have fallen out with all of your friends working for the opposite sector and think public/private workers should be all slaughtered just so you can keep another per cent of your wages.

- You are scared to tell your friends that you are going on holidays to Brittas Bay, in case they get jealous.

- Your children are completely out of control due to not getting their weekly €100 toys, and you realise that now you actually have to spend time with them!

- You got yourself a new phone number just so you don't have to talk to all the people looking for money for your bills.

- You plan on telling your future grandchildren about the good old days when champagne was considered breakfast and cocaine lunch

Glass is empty

I've been dwelling in this odd cynicism for the last couple of weeks.

A couple of years back I was going through a similar period. Something bad happened and I was rightly not trusting anyone around me (you know those gossip hungry no goods). After I got back on my feet I decided not to give a shit about anything. I was the lonely rider and didn't care about anyone getting on my way. I guess you could call it some sort of iron wall syndrome or something. Gradually I grew out of it. Now I seem to feel the same again.

When I was fresh out of high school I was going through a slightly different period of cynicism. I had no trouble trusting people (well at least as much as they were rationally worth it) but being around people made me very frustrated. Apart from a few close friends and some family members, I could not stand being around anyone. Anything any of these people said made me think how stupid and irrelevant their input was. Everything was really boring and I often found myself wanting to go home cuz at least then I wouldn't have to listen to all that nonsense. Now I seem to feel the same again.

I'm getting to the point in which I start to act a little crazy due to all this frustration. I crave for more likeminded people but while attempting to find them, I end up revealing all their faults, at least to me. It irritates me even more.

Chance

Do you know someone who has had too many chances of putting things right but has continuously declined to? Someone who doesn't let go of the pride holding him/her back.

My mom has been guild tripping me to reunite with someone like this. I can see that she wants to make things better before it's too late.

She doesn't understand that this person has contributed absolutely nothing to our relationship since donkey's years ago.

I sometimes wonder if I will regret blocking this person when he is gone. I wonder if I should let go of all the things that were said and done. I wonder if things would be better and forgotten.

But when I have swallowed my pride and put the cat on the table myself and only got pathetic answers in return, do I really want this person in my life? Everyone gets a chance, most people get two but this person has continuously ignored or laughed at this situation. Why would I bother?

Why should I be the adult when he has had so much more time to act like one?

The annual fashion observation post

I'm not big into following fashion and trends. Whenever I see something I like, trendy or not, or when I need something I buy it. My outfits could be described as conservative.

I also don't really care what my friends/boyfriend wear(s). I do admire people who look really nice and use the proper accessories etc but I really could not be bothered to spend more than 3 minutes each morning picking up different outfits. Call me boring, I don't care.

There are however certain things that just make me gag. Some of these things only annoy me if the person in question is my partner, some of them are universal.

Guys:

1. If you are not fifty, please don't dress like one. I went out with a guy who probably would have been thrilled to inherit my dad's wardrobe.

2. Smart casual. Guys wearing a V-neck sweater and a shirt when they are not working. Immediately makes me think that they have no personality and that they let their moms/girlfriends dress them up.

3. Cliche outfits. Emos wearing nothing but Deftones t-shirts, black pants and black make-up. The reason: no matter how quirky they might look, they often lack in personality.

4. Groomed men. Men need to be a bit scruffy, a bit masculine. Someone who spends more time getting ready in the morning than I do, has a serious problem.

5. Camp straight guys. It's confusing (are they gay or what??!!) and it just looks fucking ridiculous.

6. Designer obsessed. I don't give a shit what it says in your shirt. Shows a great deal of superficiality. Laughable.

7. Tracksuits, sports gear. If you are not doing any sports or lazying around at home, why wear shit like that? Also for all the scum bags out there: wearing a cap only halfway makes you look stupid and the greasy hair peeking out makes me want to vomit.

Girls

1. Wonder why guys think you are a slapper? Wearing a gold minidress with stripper shoes might be a clue to this big mystery. Although the no.7 in guys section will absolutely LOVE you. Often accompanied with so much make-up no one would recognise you if you went out without

2. Fashion freaks. Every now and then the fashion designers really get it wrong. Why do you follow blindly? Indicates a lack of personality and opinion.

3. Cliche outfits. As with guys.

4. Princesses. Wearing pink is ok. Wearing cream cake skirts with tiaras etc makes you look like a fucking 12 year old. Don't expect anyone proper to ever talk to you.

5. The "I don't give a shit"-look. People who try to be casual about their clothes but anyone can see they got up at 5am to make it "just perfect".

A Bad Day

Seeing as no one is listening:

FUCK

Confessions

I was tagged and I'm bored

5 things you might have not known about me:


1. I dislike Finland and most Finnish people, yet I am glad I'm not Irish and proud of some of my Finnish traits.

2. The idea of there not being a superior being/after life makes me happy

3. I use to wear glasses (many many moons ago)

4. Most of my family members are highly spiritual/religious but I am not

5. My father and my doctor were convinced that I had an eating disorder... and HONESTLY I didn't...great excuse for eating more ice cream!