Tuesday 30 December 2008
I've been brainwashed!
the Christmas lights of the circus town
After my trip to Finland I have
- seriously considered colouring my hair darker and getting some crazy hair cut
- thought about buying an account on a webpage that streams Finnish TV-shows
- rediscovered some Finnish music and films I used to love
- understood the true meaning of the word honesty
- remembered how it feels like to be really close to someone
- ate nothing but rye bread with some crazy cream cheese on it
- realised how different I am now than I was when I left Finland...
Friday 26 December 2008
The Feeeenland Xperience
Well well well.
Finland, my dear motherland has been somewhat interesting this year. It seems that since the last time, a lot of my old school mates have settled down (eek), had children (eek) but are otherwise still exactly the same they were before.
I have been nearly able to keep myself from cracking up, but I must admit I seem to be going through some sort of a cultural shock, even though I know how things go here. It's still hard to get used to the uncomfortable modesty, straightforwardness and the polite minding one's own business attitude
I've adapted a tiny bit though. I've relearned not to say hello to people and I didn't think it was too weird that my ex boyfriend pinched my ear while passing by instead of saying hi. After a few fatal incidents I've learned not to joke around as freely, as people here have a completely different sense of humour, so it seems.
It has been good to catch up with people and do absolutely nothing all day. It'll be even better to go back to Ireland, and re-realise that maybe the little shitty green island isn't that bad after all.
Finland, my dear motherland has been somewhat interesting this year. It seems that since the last time, a lot of my old school mates have settled down (eek), had children (eek) but are otherwise still exactly the same they were before.
I have been nearly able to keep myself from cracking up, but I must admit I seem to be going through some sort of a cultural shock, even though I know how things go here. It's still hard to get used to the uncomfortable modesty, straightforwardness and the polite minding one's own business attitude
I've adapted a tiny bit though. I've relearned not to say hello to people and I didn't think it was too weird that my ex boyfriend pinched my ear while passing by instead of saying hi. After a few fatal incidents I've learned not to joke around as freely, as people here have a completely different sense of humour, so it seems.
It has been good to catch up with people and do absolutely nothing all day. It'll be even better to go back to Ireland, and re-realise that maybe the little shitty green island isn't that bad after all.
Saturday 20 December 2008
You don't know but I don't care
I was going to write something here but then I realised I would probably delete it tomorrow. I'm not good with posts made while emotionally affected.
So instead I'm just gonna *sigh* and say fucking hell.
More other stuff soon, I promise.
So instead I'm just gonna *sigh* and say fucking hell.
More other stuff soon, I promise.
Wednesday 17 December 2008
The nightmare also known as male hormones
Warning: contains bad language, bitching and capital letters.
Finally got myself to sort out some unfinished business with a member of the male gender. I wasn't putting it off because it was difficult, but mostly because I didn't really want to discuss with the person in question.
I was delighted to notice that for once it wasn't painful and didn't make me want to strangle you. We had a proper civilized conversation of things that needed to be discussed and I even listened to some of your personal shit while I was at it.
but WHY FFS YOU FUCKING IDIOT ARSEHOLE BASTARD do you then somehow feel that it's appropriate to reapproach me with such UTTER SHIT afterwards. If I'm nice to you for 2 seconds, it doesn't mean I want to sleep with you. I don't really even want to see you, let alone share any "physical affection" with you. Why don't you have a fucking wank or something, and stop pestering every poor female on this globe with your needs. It's annoying, uncomfortable and makes you look like a right idiot.
FUCK OFF YOU SAD DESPERATE CUNT
p.s While you're at it, cut the sensitive shit. It doesn't make you look like a fragile art-y person, all it does is make you look gay, that doesn't seem to be what you desire anyway.
Finally got myself to sort out some unfinished business with a member of the male gender. I wasn't putting it off because it was difficult, but mostly because I didn't really want to discuss with the person in question.
I was delighted to notice that for once it wasn't painful and didn't make me want to strangle you. We had a proper civilized conversation of things that needed to be discussed and I even listened to some of your personal shit while I was at it.
but WHY FFS YOU FUCKING IDIOT ARSEHOLE BASTARD do you then somehow feel that it's appropriate to reapproach me with such UTTER SHIT afterwards. If I'm nice to you for 2 seconds, it doesn't mean I want to sleep with you. I don't really even want to see you, let alone share any "physical affection" with you. Why don't you have a fucking wank or something, and stop pestering every poor female on this globe with your needs. It's annoying, uncomfortable and makes you look like a right idiot.
FUCK OFF YOU SAD DESPERATE CUNT
p.s While you're at it, cut the sensitive shit. It doesn't make you look like a fragile art-y person, all it does is make you look gay, that doesn't seem to be what you desire anyway.
Sunday 14 December 2008
Today's annoyances
Expatriats who complain about the country they live in but still decide to stay longer.
"Christmas spirit" and the effect it has on people (and their attitudes which will cleverly change right after the holidays)
Stupid governmental service numbers: please hold while we pretend you don't exists.
Not living closer to town: the village is wrecking my head
"Christmas spirit" and the effect it has on people (and their attitudes which will cleverly change right after the holidays)
Stupid governmental service numbers: please hold while we pretend you don't exists.
Not living closer to town: the village is wrecking my head
Saturday 13 December 2008
Bad fingers
I was trying to add something to the post that was here and I somehow accidentally pressed 'delete' instead of 'edit'.
Too lazy to write it down again, so soz
Too lazy to write it down again, so soz
Friday 12 December 2008
Where do I start, where do I begin?
Sigh.
Losing people. Not easy. Don't know what to say.
Showing me something incredible and then going away. Letting me in a little inside information and then going away when I needed you the most. Yes I'm selfish, I never claimed anything else. I need you here. I need the help on my journey to unknown territory.
What can I say. I guess, in the end it was inevitable. Yet I'm still amazed with the weight it struck me with. I guess you can never be prepared enough for these things
Ain't talking, just walking.
I miss you already.
Losing people. Not easy. Don't know what to say.
Showing me something incredible and then going away. Letting me in a little inside information and then going away when I needed you the most. Yes I'm selfish, I never claimed anything else. I need you here. I need the help on my journey to unknown territory.
What can I say. I guess, in the end it was inevitable. Yet I'm still amazed with the weight it struck me with. I guess you can never be prepared enough for these things
Ain't talking, just walking.
I miss you already.
Wednesday 10 December 2008
And I didn't ask you why
Do you ever get a really strong feeling of connection to random things? Like when you hear a song or read a book or even just meet someone and it just really hits you?
A lot of that has been happening lately. Connections of all sort have been established, on the oddest occasions possible. Some songs, books and conversations with people have really...I don't know, touched me in some way.
Maybe it's the lack of routine and normal every day events, maybe something else. I always doubt these connections, they have failed me so many times before. My circumstances have created this need for something real but in an effort to find it, my mind creates illusions. That's the cynical analysis of it anyway.
Some of these connections have stayed even if I had forgotten them when other things happened. Some of them got milder or are constantly being shaken by disappointment and growing apart. Some still shake me to this day.
Well at least there's something happening. I sometimes feel like the storm is way better than the calm.
Maybe that's why I'm not sleeping
A lot of that has been happening lately. Connections of all sort have been established, on the oddest occasions possible. Some songs, books and conversations with people have really...I don't know, touched me in some way.
Maybe it's the lack of routine and normal every day events, maybe something else. I always doubt these connections, they have failed me so many times before. My circumstances have created this need for something real but in an effort to find it, my mind creates illusions. That's the cynical analysis of it anyway.
Some of these connections have stayed even if I had forgotten them when other things happened. Some of them got milder or are constantly being shaken by disappointment and growing apart. Some still shake me to this day.
Well at least there's something happening. I sometimes feel like the storm is way better than the calm.
Maybe that's why I'm not sleeping
Monday 8 December 2008
Late/early thoughts
I've been attempting to study now for the last hour or so. Descartes can be very draining I tell you.
Something that caught my attention though and which I had discussed with someone not too long ago. Descartes talks about the mind-body dualism which is a very interesting concept. Basically he's saying that the body is linked to the mind but they are not the same etc.
This reminded me of a conversation I had had about existence and out of body experiences. When one "exits" the body, it in a way breaks the boundaries set for human beings. It gives us a new perspective to life. If we go Descarte here, one could say that if our body wasn't so poor and our sensory perception was better, we would be able to understand and to see the universe better than we can know. So therefore, there could be a whole new level of things that we just can't perceive. I guess that's partly why people sometimes see things that are considered not to exists.
I remember perceiving a lot more when I was a child. I remember seeing things that I couldn't explain. Now I was very rational even in my young days, and was never scared of monsters etc because I could reason to myself that they did not exist. I perceived things that I could not understand and had no better knowledge or experience to explain.
Sometimes I wonder if I really did just get wiser or whether I just stopped perceiving these things after I got older, who knows
Something that caught my attention though and which I had discussed with someone not too long ago. Descartes talks about the mind-body dualism which is a very interesting concept. Basically he's saying that the body is linked to the mind but they are not the same etc.
This reminded me of a conversation I had had about existence and out of body experiences. When one "exits" the body, it in a way breaks the boundaries set for human beings. It gives us a new perspective to life. If we go Descarte here, one could say that if our body wasn't so poor and our sensory perception was better, we would be able to understand and to see the universe better than we can know. So therefore, there could be a whole new level of things that we just can't perceive. I guess that's partly why people sometimes see things that are considered not to exists.
I remember perceiving a lot more when I was a child. I remember seeing things that I couldn't explain. Now I was very rational even in my young days, and was never scared of monsters etc because I could reason to myself that they did not exist. I perceived things that I could not understand and had no better knowledge or experience to explain.
Sometimes I wonder if I really did just get wiser or whether I just stopped perceiving these things after I got older, who knows
Mom would not approve
It's 4:40am.
I have an exam tomorrow.
I can't sleep.
I'm drinking vodka.
I'm not studying.
I have an exam tomorrow.
I can't sleep.
I'm drinking vodka.
I'm not studying.
Friday 5 December 2008
More wine tasting
"While I enjoyed the 2005 Carmen Cabernet Sauvignon, I didn’t find it quite as exceptional as some other Chilean Cabernets I’ve tried. On the nose it’s cherry, tobacco and currant. It has good concentration on the palate, with cherry, blackberry, and currant. It has very smooth tannins, giving this a nice mouth feel." www.cheapwineratings.com says it all lolThe best of the off-licence for a tenner!
Thursday 4 December 2008
Brainstorm spare time
Facebook can be an evil nostalgia raising monster. Scrolling through the profiles of old class mates, spying what they're up to these days. Came across on of the girls' profiles who was in the same class with me in Junior High. Her last name had changed and the profile was full of wedding photos and what not.
The immediate reaction was 'eek!' The second reaction was pretty much losing all respect for her sensible side. And then I started to wonder.
Another conversation popped into my head. On one occassion I grossly categorized people in to two groups: the ones who do the socially acceptable and desired thing (marriage, mortgage, children), the ones who can't seem to fit into these standards (stay single, don't want kids, live like they were 20 all their lives).
I immediately put her into the former. The cynical being I am, I also stripped her off of any sense or reasoning and doomed her to have a nasty divorce in no time. Nothing personal like, I just think it's stupid to get married for any other than tax or visa reasons, let alone get married when you're in your early twenties. Also, as it has happened so many times, sometimes, as time goes by, these people discover something that this other group has known all along. Maybe this really isn't the thing for me? Maybe I should just cut this social etiquette crap and do what I really want all the time.
In the midst of all this, the girl's imaginary response to my argument enters my thinking. "Some day you'll just want to settle down and have a nice life with someone, who will have you then when you've rejected so many?". For about a minute I actually feel moderately worried about that. Then I remember that I'm only young and anyone I ever spent a little bit of together time with, I would never want to marry or settle down with. I'd rather be alone than put up with their shit every day.
--
I sometimes think my mother worries about me being left alone. It also seems as if she thought I hadn't given the past relationships my everything and that I should have tried harder. She'd by no means want me to get married right now but sometimes I think her biological clock is ticking too, for the grand children. She enquired about the reasons as to why the last relationship ended. I think I gave her pretty valid reasons and came across as someone who had thought about it for a long while before the actual decision.
At first she seemed a bit confused. She didn't seem to understand the reason why I couldn't stay with this nice bloke, who just happened to piss me off so much every time I saw him. Who had been false. Who treated me like I was a child. She started this bull shit about having to put up with the bad sides of a person as well as the good ones. I told her there wasn't really any good ones there and that she'd hardly stay in a situation like that herself if she felt betrayed and undermined all the time. She said nothing. I guess I hit the right spot.
Funnily enough, someone who I at one stage thought I would marry some day (and have since changed my mind, hahah!), is having issues of similar sort. His girlfriend though, does not make him feel sick on a constant basis but he's very set in his ways and is finding it hard to find the common grounds and compromises because of it.
Maybe I'm not alone. Maybe if everything else fails, I should marry him, so we could be socially unacceptable together. Hahah!
--
This is totally the best time to think about things like that.
Wednesday 3 December 2008
Saturday 29 November 2008
Busy.
After spending a week of writing essays, sleeping or eating only little, I'm still not over the work load. One difficult essay left and instead of putting any effort into doing it, I'm drinking beer and looking at stuff on YouTube.
When I do however get all this done, I can get back to reading my books as my exams will start soon.
Bleh.
Why do I always have loads to do when all I want is to disappear into my own world for a week or two?
I did smile a bit the other day
When I do however get all this done, I can get back to reading my books as my exams will start soon.
Bleh.
Why do I always have loads to do when all I want is to disappear into my own world for a week or two?
I did smile a bit the other day
Wednesday 26 November 2008
Insomnia medication
This is what I was trying last night.
"On the palate this is very successfully pitched, with some elegance and raciness and plenty of tangy freshness. The fruit is succulent and ripe without being too obvious and sweet, and it is a wine that keeps you coming back for another sip."
And, it made me sleep more than four hours!!!
Thursday 20 November 2008
News and what not
I booked my flights to Finland. I shall be arriving on 22nd and leaving on the 29th of December. If anyone over there wants to meet up, e-mail or ring me.
In other news, nothing. I've literally been sitting here trying to write essays for the last 5 days. I've two more to go and a group project which I'll hopefully get done this weekend. How pathetic. I need some entertainment soon.
Talking to a friend the other night, the topic of Christmas inevitably came up. As said I'll be doing the family Christmas again which I hate. Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike my family but the minute it's Christmas Eve my mother turns into a lunatic and that lasts up until after New Year's Eve. She loves Christmas and always wants to spend it in the most traditional way ever, where as all I want to do it eat nice food (not Christmas food!, have a couple of drinks and relax. But as it is, I usually end up escaping to one of the many parties held on Christmas Eve by people equally annoyed with the whole thing.
One year I'll just get all my friends together and have that for the whole of Christmas.
Until then I'll have to try and enjoy the usual celebrations. If it wasn't for my mother, I would have probably stayed at home on my own this year. Nothing beats a night when the house is empty and you can lazy around in your pyjamas all day. Maybe next year ;)
In other news, nothing. I've literally been sitting here trying to write essays for the last 5 days. I've two more to go and a group project which I'll hopefully get done this weekend. How pathetic. I need some entertainment soon.
Talking to a friend the other night, the topic of Christmas inevitably came up. As said I'll be doing the family Christmas again which I hate. Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike my family but the minute it's Christmas Eve my mother turns into a lunatic and that lasts up until after New Year's Eve. She loves Christmas and always wants to spend it in the most traditional way ever, where as all I want to do it eat nice food (not Christmas food!, have a couple of drinks and relax. But as it is, I usually end up escaping to one of the many parties held on Christmas Eve by people equally annoyed with the whole thing.
One year I'll just get all my friends together and have that for the whole of Christmas.
Until then I'll have to try and enjoy the usual celebrations. If it wasn't for my mother, I would have probably stayed at home on my own this year. Nothing beats a night when the house is empty and you can lazy around in your pyjamas all day. Maybe next year ;)
Wednesday 19 November 2008
I love these lyrics
Last night it was so good
I felt like crying, I felt crying
Last night though you looked so cold
I felt like smiling, smiling while I'm dying
Last night looked so good
Felt like crying, felt like crying
Last night though you looked so old
I felt like smiling, smiling while I'm dying
You left me cold, you left me cold
You left me cold, you left me cold
Needles in my eyes won't cripple me tonight alright
Twisting up my mind please pull me through the light alright
Needles in my eyes won't cripple me tonight alright
Twisting up my mind please pull me through the light alright
Last night I dropped my heart and
I never wanna see it again
Getting tighter with you all the time
I think I'm gonna my buckle my spine
I crept in and I stole your mind
I think I'm having trouble with mine
Crept in and I stole your mind
I think I'm having trouble with mine
You left me cold, you left me cold
You left me cold, you left me cold
Needles in my eyes won't cripple me tonight alright
Twisting up my mind please pull me through the light alright
Needles in my eyes won't cripple me tonight alright
Twisting up my mind please pull me through the light alright
The Beta Band - Needles In My Eyes
I felt like crying, I felt crying
Last night though you looked so cold
I felt like smiling, smiling while I'm dying
Last night looked so good
Felt like crying, felt like crying
Last night though you looked so old
I felt like smiling, smiling while I'm dying
You left me cold, you left me cold
You left me cold, you left me cold
Needles in my eyes won't cripple me tonight alright
Twisting up my mind please pull me through the light alright
Needles in my eyes won't cripple me tonight alright
Twisting up my mind please pull me through the light alright
Last night I dropped my heart and
I never wanna see it again
Getting tighter with you all the time
I think I'm gonna my buckle my spine
I crept in and I stole your mind
I think I'm having trouble with mine
Crept in and I stole your mind
I think I'm having trouble with mine
You left me cold, you left me cold
You left me cold, you left me cold
Needles in my eyes won't cripple me tonight alright
Twisting up my mind please pull me through the light alright
Needles in my eyes won't cripple me tonight alright
Twisting up my mind please pull me through the light alright
The Beta Band - Needles In My Eyes
Tuesday 18 November 2008
This one's gone bruise
I guess I'm not a complete robot yet.
Upsetting news from a friend, nothing I can say or do.
Remembering my own shit.
Fuck.
Upsetting news from a friend, nothing I can say or do.
Remembering my own shit.
Fuck.
Saturday 15 November 2008
Bad day
Woke up at 11 am feeling like someone had rubbed sand paper against my tongue.
Somehow managed to fuck up my shoulder while lifting stuff.
Spend two hours looking for something which I in the end didn't find.
Managed to half-burn my dinner.
Instead of doing any college stuff I played stupid games on the Internet all day.
Got into an argument with a friend over something stupid.
And now I can't sleep.
Somehow managed to fuck up my shoulder while lifting stuff.
Spend two hours looking for something which I in the end didn't find.
Managed to half-burn my dinner.
Instead of doing any college stuff I played stupid games on the Internet all day.
Got into an argument with a friend over something stupid.
And now I can't sleep.
Thursday 13 November 2008
Just a quick update
Yeah, so as some of you have not heard of me in a while, here's a quick update.
I'm still in Ireland and for the moment living in the dear old Wicklow. Relocation will happen soon though and I'll return to my roots as a sub-urban girl. This will hopefully allow me to cut down my travelling time to UCD where I'm hopelessly trying to get some sort of a piece of paper to prove I'm somehow academically adequate.
Relationship-wise a lot has happened. I'm not gonna feed your hunger for gossip and will brutally skip the details.
Apart from that there isn't really that much to tell. Hopefully there will be something fun and exciting happening soon.
I'm still in Ireland and for the moment living in the dear old Wicklow. Relocation will happen soon though and I'll return to my roots as a sub-urban girl. This will hopefully allow me to cut down my travelling time to UCD where I'm hopelessly trying to get some sort of a piece of paper to prove I'm somehow academically adequate.
Relationship-wise a lot has happened. I'm not gonna feed your hunger for gossip and will brutally skip the details.
Apart from that there isn't really that much to tell. Hopefully there will be something fun and exciting happening soon.
The new and improved M
After blogging here and there I'm making a comeback to Blogger. Here it was where I first started, many many moons ago.
The reason for this yet again new blog is purely to get a fresh start. Sometimes you just need to move on. It's like when you go back and read all your old diaries and they just seem so far off from where you are now and it'd feel ridiculous to try and write in that same book that served you years ago.
Also I'm attempting to melt two blogs into one. A couple of years ago I was writing a Finnish blog and even though this one will mainly be in English, it'll at least give some sort of venue for those who used to read the Finnish one.
Without further due, welcome to another exciting fun adventure, enjoy the ride
The reason for this yet again new blog is purely to get a fresh start. Sometimes you just need to move on. It's like when you go back and read all your old diaries and they just seem so far off from where you are now and it'd feel ridiculous to try and write in that same book that served you years ago.
Also I'm attempting to melt two blogs into one. A couple of years ago I was writing a Finnish blog and even though this one will mainly be in English, it'll at least give some sort of venue for those who used to read the Finnish one.
Without further due, welcome to another exciting fun adventure, enjoy the ride
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