Chance

Do you know someone who has had too many chances of putting things right but has continuously declined to? Someone who doesn't let go of the pride holding him/her back.

My mom has been guild tripping me to reunite with someone like this. I can see that she wants to make things better before it's too late.

She doesn't understand that this person has contributed absolutely nothing to our relationship since donkey's years ago.

I sometimes wonder if I will regret blocking this person when he is gone. I wonder if I should let go of all the things that were said and done. I wonder if things would be better and forgotten.

But when I have swallowed my pride and put the cat on the table myself and only got pathetic answers in return, do I really want this person in my life? Everyone gets a chance, most people get two but this person has continuously ignored or laughed at this situation. Why would I bother?

Why should I be the adult when he has had so much more time to act like one?

The annual fashion observation post

I'm not big into following fashion and trends. Whenever I see something I like, trendy or not, or when I need something I buy it. My outfits could be described as conservative.

I also don't really care what my friends/boyfriend wear(s). I do admire people who look really nice and use the proper accessories etc but I really could not be bothered to spend more than 3 minutes each morning picking up different outfits. Call me boring, I don't care.

There are however certain things that just make me gag. Some of these things only annoy me if the person in question is my partner, some of them are universal.

Guys:

1. If you are not fifty, please don't dress like one. I went out with a guy who probably would have been thrilled to inherit my dad's wardrobe.

2. Smart casual. Guys wearing a V-neck sweater and a shirt when they are not working. Immediately makes me think that they have no personality and that they let their moms/girlfriends dress them up.

3. Cliche outfits. Emos wearing nothing but Deftones t-shirts, black pants and black make-up. The reason: no matter how quirky they might look, they often lack in personality.

4. Groomed men. Men need to be a bit scruffy, a bit masculine. Someone who spends more time getting ready in the morning than I do, has a serious problem.

5. Camp straight guys. It's confusing (are they gay or what??!!) and it just looks fucking ridiculous.

6. Designer obsessed. I don't give a shit what it says in your shirt. Shows a great deal of superficiality. Laughable.

7. Tracksuits, sports gear. If you are not doing any sports or lazying around at home, why wear shit like that? Also for all the scum bags out there: wearing a cap only halfway makes you look stupid and the greasy hair peeking out makes me want to vomit.

Girls

1. Wonder why guys think you are a slapper? Wearing a gold minidress with stripper shoes might be a clue to this big mystery. Although the no.7 in guys section will absolutely LOVE you. Often accompanied with so much make-up no one would recognise you if you went out without

2. Fashion freaks. Every now and then the fashion designers really get it wrong. Why do you follow blindly? Indicates a lack of personality and opinion.

3. Cliche outfits. As with guys.

4. Princesses. Wearing pink is ok. Wearing cream cake skirts with tiaras etc makes you look like a fucking 12 year old. Don't expect anyone proper to ever talk to you.

5. The "I don't give a shit"-look. People who try to be casual about their clothes but anyone can see they got up at 5am to make it "just perfect".

A Bad Day

Seeing as no one is listening:

FUCK

Confessions

I was tagged and I'm bored

5 things you might have not known about me:


1. I dislike Finland and most Finnish people, yet I am glad I'm not Irish and proud of some of my Finnish traits.

2. The idea of there not being a superior being/after life makes me happy

3. I use to wear glasses (many many moons ago)

4. Most of my family members are highly spiritual/religious but I am not

5. My father and my doctor were convinced that I had an eating disorder... and HONESTLY I didn't...great excuse for eating more ice cream!

The Truth

This thing was inspired by a competition one of my family members was holding. The task was to write about our great grandmother who would have been hundred years old this month and then other family members would vote for the best.

My input was obviously too unflattering to ever end up on the webpage. But censorship only reaches out to the domains they own…

I’m way too young to remember my great grandmother; in fact I think she passed away several years before I was even thought about. Hence I can only imagine what she was like; put together with the little information I have been told over the years.

My great grandmother was a hardworking and traditional Finnish housewife. On top of her numerous children, she also adopted an orphan ignoring the fact that she was struggling to feed her own, let alone someone else’s kids. She married my great grandfather, who was born blind and remained so for all of his life. These facts seem to suggest that she was a loving and sympathetic woman who extended her love for those who had nothing.

While she probably kept the family together with a padded version of an iron fist, not much can be said about the people who were supposed to continue her legacy. If she was ever to return to see how we were getting on, she would be utterly appalled.

While most people have managed to break out from poverty and the constant worry over money, few have found themselves carrying on any of her sympathy. The large family she left behind and which kept extending long after she had passed away has disintegrated.

“What do you mean?” I hear the loudest crying out now. And yes, I am dying to give you some very cruel details of people doing horrible things to others in this family but I will most likely be excommunicated. I too am as greedy and soulless that I want to keep that very weak thread around our petty family, for my inheritance sake.

But without going into TOO much detail I can point out the things that are laid right before your eyes. For years, one of the oldest members of this family has been completely ignored. This seems to be due to a certain problem she has. Her direct family can’t seem to put up with her behaviour. Fair enough. However if they had bothered to investigate this matter a little closer, they would have found that her problems are directly linked to loneliness and the fact that no one seems to go over and visit.

These people who quietly judge her behaviour have in the mean time extended their “give hassle and I’m gone”-attitude to their children. With few exceptions, we find ourselves looking at people who have literally abandoned their offspring due failed marriages and teenage trouble. Some of these people have moved on and accepted that their parents have emotionally discontinued the relationship; some have crept through the darkest holes and fortunately found some new people to rely on.

There will be a time when we all get old and when everyone else has passed away. It is then when the spark for reviving these broken strings comes back to life. And that is when you find that you are the despised, lonely and troubled person you had ignored for most of your adult life. And believe me, no one is coming to save you.

No News for Now

Selected friends can check out the Toast coverage. Apart from that it's nada

Not solo

Things have really not been good lately. Certain people have made my life very unbearable and just when I think everything is sorted, it all falls apart.

Thanks so much for listening last night even if I was hysterical, over-dramatic and completely out of control of my head. It really helped to know that I'm not completely screwed and on my own with all this. I'll not forget this.

Promises

Nothing pisses me off more than people who constantly make false promises.

The ultimate #1 though are the ones who make promises and then later claim the discussion never took place, leaving me in tricky situations.

I foolishly relied on a promise and didn't do X. Now it seems that I have imagined this conversation and due to time issues cannot do X which would have saved my ass in this case.

Unfortunately for these people, I ALWAYS have a plan B.

You fuck my shit up, I'll fuck yours right back, asswipe

Your shit never changes

It is kind of amusing that you still find the time and motivation to bullshit about me. What makes it desperate is the fact that no one seems to believe you, or they come straight up to me to reveal all your nonsense.

You probably don't remember but this is quite what I predicted back then. Remember when I said you'd still be your old sad self, seeking for any attention you can get. I nearly feel sorry for you, you're so pathetic.

I also know you have been reading this site for a while now. I find it quite weird that you spend so much time on it to be honest. But unlike you I have nothing to hide, you however should learn how to read properly before you go around telling shit to people.

I heard you were bitter due to my unwillingness to waste my time on you. I heard your "analysis" of why things went the way they did. People must be sick of hearing about me at this stage.

Please tell your people I don't really care to hear what crap your spreading around this time. I told mine not to bother with you long ago.

Today last year

A year ago I started to realise what a horrible mistake I had made. Stupidly it took me another couple of months to solve it all.

A year ago I was happy I had a friend who didn't give a shit when they were all against me (miss you, come back)

A year ago it was sunny and I was having a good time.

A year ago I received proof that I was right about something in the past and relieved I made the right decision.

A year ago I met you for the first time.

Oops, I might have done it again

Some old ghosts appearing, I can usually avoid being persuated into their wicked ways.

I should probably do something about it but it's too tempting.

I know you're not reading this dad but if you did, I'd say you were right back then. I know I laughed at you but you were right about it all along. And it seems it's back again.

Weeds, the reality version

She obviously did not watch the show carefully enough!

Today

...I wandered to a web page and read something very sad. Then I realised that this someone who wrote it, is someone I know. Maybe Parmenides was right after all, things just never seem to change. It makes me sad.

Super Fast Melt Down

Everything seems a little overwhelming right now. It's race against time with pretty much everything. Hope I'll manage to keep it together

Finns, oh the Finns

I just got another reason to conclude that some Finns seem to lack sense of humour and take every little joke directed to their belongings seriously

It really is so silly that I won't even bother telling it here.

On a brighter note

I got asked to write something. More of that later, possibly

Kamala

Expectations.

Sigh.

When you're told a certain thing too many times but in your own opinion it's not quite true or you dont quite fulfil this legacy, things get tricky.

One wonders if it's just insecurity or if it's true. Things would be so much simpler if it was the former. In the case of later, things get tricky.

Then it's like a time bomb waiting to explode. And when it does, one is not sure how much there is left of anything. And that's when things get really tricky.

Asking doesn't help. The answer offered brings the issue to no conclusion. Just uncertainty. The god damn uncertainty.

The armageddon has happened before. The bright side, I guess, is that it was the end but not the complete end. But every time it gets harder. Just goes to prove that in the end, we're all very alone.

Swine Flu

Let's not go down this road, Finland

I was reading the news on MTV3 and discovered that the Orthodox pastor Father Mitro has apparently been planning on running for a seat in the soon to be held EU-elections. However his church recently held a meeting during which it criticised Mitro's actions and will decide whether or not to let him go for it in the near future. In the interview, he confessed how shocked he was about this criticism and that he really couldn't understand it.

For those of you who do not know him, Father Mitro is a very public figure of the orthodox church and is often quoted in matters of religion and social issues. I have actually met him once at a christening and have always thought that he was a very warm and pleasant man.

Despite of that, I now have to confess myself, that I was shocked to hear him going for it in the first place. Yes, he is someone who has been influencing a lot of the religious life in Finland. He is most likely a good and honest man. But there is a conflict between what he represents now and what he would like to represent in the future. He stands before such ridiculous values (those of his church's) which I and a whole lot of other freedom loving Finns would not like to enforce.

Again, I have a lot of faith (no pun intended :)) in his abilities to do the job. With a lot of issues he might be solving, he would probably do a good job. But he is a man who devoted his life to religion, and frankly to something that makes very little sense. He will obviously be influenced by these beliefs that he holds. It will interfere with his decision-making.

Now why can't a christian person run for a seat then? Of course they can and have done. But father Mitro is a priest of a minority church. I have no objection to, say a muslim running for the same seat but I would not approve of him trying to enforce the Sharia law when he is holding a seat of a country in which it is not the will of the majority. Same thing with Mitro. He would take advantage of his celebrity image and probably win a seat but if he was just an average orthodox man, he would probably not be elected due to people not sharing his values!

And in the end, as much as I can feel his desire to make a difference, by getting into politics, he is sacraficing his duties as a churchman to his people and even though I personally don't think his guidance is needed, he devoted his life to this sort of thing and unless he decides to leave the church, he has no business in the elections.

#@@!$!%

As the title suggests, I'm pissed off again. Unfortunately this place will again have to be the outlet for all this fucking ridiculous retardness.

It just seems that every single fucking time I get my shit together something new pops up. EVERY FUCKING TIME!!! This time the shit sent me straight to hell and while I was on my way home after this particular incident, I prayed no one would start to talk to me cuz I probably would have killed them right there and then.

FOR FUCKING 8 MONTHS I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR CERTAIN PEOPLE TO DO WHAT THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BY LAW! Finally I was promised that shit will be sorted by this weekend. So I go my merry way and think everything's gonna be ok.

And then...

NOTHING.

ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING DONE ABOUT IT.

WTF!!!!!!

The best part however is the aftermath. It's seldom that I totally lose it. This time was one of them. I must have pretty much used all the insults I have ever learned in both lingos respectively. I pretty much threatened to sue. I don't know how I managed to stop myself from physically harming this person. The fucking adrenalin rushing through me at that moment would have easily made me explode like a nuclear bomb.

There there, some would say now. It's not the end of the world. Damn fucking right it is not. But it fucking pisses me off I get fucked left, right and centre ALL THE FUCKING TIME! It is inconvenient to say the least, let alone putting me through more drama trying to sort the shit out caused by someone else's utter and disgusting lazyness. After fucking everything I have done to help when times were rough and all I get is more SHIT.

Sigh.

Right, better get on with this shit again I guess. Some day I'll just stop trying.

Motivation issues

Things that I should be doing:

• Reading 'The Mystery of Edwin Drood'
• Writing my reading journal
• Going through source material for my two philosophy essays
• Getting ready for my Fall of Athens exam
• Catching up with Literary Genre stuff

And all I want to do is to drink coffee, read shit on the Internet, watch TV, smoke and sleep.

Someone needs to give me a good kick.

The Making of a Finn abroad

While working on Friday I learned that a Finnish girl is due to arrive to my neighbourhood pretty soon. The big change which is ahead for her made me get all nostalgic and think about all those things that were surprisingly easy or difficult when I first came here and how the significance of those things has changed.

For me, leaving Finland was pretty easy. To be honest I could not wait to get out of there and was determined to cope and intergrate. I was aware that things might not work out or I might be very lonely but that certainly did not stop me.

Probably one of the hardest things was to open up to a completely different culture. Me and certainly a whole lot of other Finns can be very quiet and private in comparison to the foreigners. It wasn't so much that I didn't cope with it, it was harder for the people around me. They did not understand where I was coming from and took me as a bit rude and depressed in some way.

Another thing which caused some hassle was the different mentality. People seldom keep their promises around here and it took some practice to know when something was actually gonna happen or when people were just saying shit. Also the lack of order in a lot of things was overwhelming.

These days those things are not quite so difficult. I have changed and people around me have got used to my personality. I doubt I would have wanted to stay if I hadn't been so determined to change and adapt. That is not the case with a lot of other Finns I know around here.

To me the change has been so significant that I feel like an outsider whenever I go back home to Finland these days. I seem to have lost my copy of the Social Conduct. I don't think I'm very Irish either but some sort of odd mixture. Not being (mentally) from anywhere makes me happy, it means I'm not stuck here or anywhere.

Language crisis

Grammar police in action

Last night I had the ever so delightful task of writing a letter to the Finnish social welfare office. While the issue was pretty straightforward, the task wasn't. This time it wasn't the bureacracy that was killing me but the unability to write in my native lingo! I kept writing and erasing and rewriting but it just seemed to me that I wasn't making any sense. This led to paranoia even with familiar and easy sentences and everything I wrote just sounded...wrong somehow.

I don't get to use much of my terrible Finnish these days. In fact, the only time I use it is the once or twice a month conversation I have with my mom and the odd Finnish friend I talk to on Facebook. I guess it's pretty normal to be out of practice in this situation but what worries me is the longer I refrain from using it on a constant basis, the harder it will be to ever manage to write and speak fluently.

It would be little less painful if my English would have replaced Finnish as the native lingo. But it seems I still struggle with words and grammar and even though I'm well able to survive with the every-day business, I still feel like I'm academically retarded when it comes to language. It's particularly difficult as writing was always my best skill and now it just seems like I can't get it out anymore.

It doesn't help that a lot of my fellow students and even the tutors are not any better. I'd love for someone to look at my essays and correct even the little bit of confusion and error in them but at the present situation I get essays back and even I can find the grammar mistakes that the tutor did not notice. Finland in this aspect is completely different, and I've never met so many people completely ignorant and uninterested in writing the proper way and with proper lingo as I have in here. Academia in here seems to consist of fancy words with stupid apostrophy mistakes in between. They have the likes of Joyce and Yeats in their proud literary history but the modern university student can't even spell 'benefit' correctly.

So how do you expatriats (I know you've been lurking around) manage to cope with the lack of Finnish lingo abroad?

What I thought about today

Did I already mention how addicted I am to this webpage ?

The ongoing (never-ending, eternal, pointless?) debate over doing what you enjoy/like versus what is needed. I still can't place myself on either side, I dislike society too much to do what I should as a citizen of the "common good" and I'm scared of not being good enough at what I want to do. I do however dislike the odd, Leviathanesque convo going on in UCD forum on boards.ie.

Descartes' dream argument and the clear and distinct perception. It's pretty clear that one can't logically prove that we are not dreaming (ie. Matrix-like situation). But what if reality is dimensional and what we call dreams and reality are just different levels of existence? Maybe there're other ones too which are as "real" as "reality" but we're currently unable to see/acknowledge them. Even if we're deceived all the time, and say, unable to ever wake up, doesn't that make "reality" as we know it just that? Maybe (and I don't mean destiny as such here, nothing's designed or assigned by any supernatural thing IMO) we are not "meant" to experience this real reality.

Business plans - I sometimes entertain myself (too much bus stop waiting time) with imaginary business plans. How much of the successful profit-making is down to market research? If one had a supernatural ability to know everything about every customer, would it be possible to persuade them to purchase shit all the time, within their budget of course?

Brain manipulation - say we have a hypothetical situation in which we have test subjects (people) and endless resources of experimenting with their brains with no moral dilemmas attached, how far could we (obviously after many failures etc) manipulate and "open" new sorts of abilities. I sometimes think it's a shame all these obviously horrendous people (Hitler etc) who conducted experiments, did not use these opportunities to look into things like these rather than the much more pointless (in scientific terms) ones. It's the possibly hidden "brain power" I'm interested in in a purely scientific way, I do not believe in any of this New Age shit.

Fuck

Fucking fuckedy fucking fuck

Too fast

Maybe it's the simple life that makes one happy

I've finally admitted my problem of not being able to sit down. Don't get me wrong, I can sit down doing nothing for a whole day but I seem to be unable to relax or leave the worries/tasks/important stuff aside. I keep waking up at ridiculous hours and can't unwind and get back to sleep. I also find it very hard to fall asleep and often stay up half of the night. This inevitably leads to worries etc becoming even more painful in my head.

Everything seems to be on standby. Problems X, Y and Z will be resolved after I've sorted out A, B and C or when N months have passed. The only way I can keep myself sane these days is just telling myself, it'll all be ok when X,Y...

I know I should probably let some of the steam out and talk to someone but even the little bit I do, makes me feel like a piece of shit. I hate being this way when I'm around friends/loved ones. I have enough alone time to be miserable and anxious, why do I have to waste good time for stupid worries. On some days I feel like I'm gonna crack or start to cry for no reason (that could be hormonal too though) but I still feel talking is a waste of time. It never helped before or it doesn't last very long.

It's silly but I even feel stupid about moaning here time after time but I guess it's my blog and I do wahtever the hell I want with it.

It'll all be ok. I hope.

All you need is a little bit of Hotsauce

So after not sleeping and having a shit time altogether I finally managed to pull myself up. Not without a little help. It's amazing how after being alone (literally) even a little bit of human contact and care can actually solve a lot. The problems might not have disappeared but the mood has changed and I'm ready to get on with shit.

I forgot to say it to you today but thanks so much for being there. You have no idea how much it means to me.

Alone

So the Ph34r...

I have had some conflicts of such in the last few days, some of which include me directly, some of which I have been trying to sort out for other people's sake.

I don't mind being alone. I quite enjoy holding the reins and not letting too many people get on my way but the last few days have proved that no man really is an island.

I have been told. And it hurt. Instead of fighting it I decided, due to circumstances to stay quiet and swallow it. And now it's climbing back up.

I nearly feel like I'm suffocating. This one was too much. I wish someone was there to punch a hole in me and make it all better. But when were simple solutions ever available or as much "fun" as crawling in the mud.

Ph34r

Out of the blue, it struck me.

M does not equal E

It hasn't been an easy week. While trying to make some sort of sense of the shit I have to study, other things pop out. I guess these things never come in "ones".

I was told something I kind of already knew. Someone felt the need to dig old things up and portray me as some sort of great influence and answer to everything in relation to a certain matter. It was very flattering I guess. Funny no one said anything when it would have actually made a difference. I've no desire to take on old stuff. I'm not the same person anymore as I was back then.

What annoyed me the most was the fact that I was supposingly a subject of some sort but I was treated as if I was an object with no independent will or consideration. Some sort of fifth element, the answer to it all. I was told x, y and z will be done and then it will all be solved and peachy. I felt a mixture of annoyance and pleasure when I said well maybe I don't want/need IT anymore. It was all kind of sweet but at the same time, unnecessary and a bit depressing. This chat actually did the opposite of its initial goal. Not that I needed any reassurance of my decision but it did put the final nail in that coffin, juiced up with some horror imagery of what it would be like if had things gone the other way.

It also made me think of how fragile this circle of events in life is. How much bull shit there is out there and how blind so many (including myself) people are. It gives me great comfort to think that even if I make mistakes, I'm sane and brave enough to go the other way, when I finally do see the true nature of things. But yet I'm scared of the moments to come, when I lose control and forget myself.

It's a bitch to be able to see some bad patterns in people's lives. Not so much because I can't stop them from going round and round but more because it makes me wonder if I'm doing the same without realising.

Anyway.

Two posts in a day, must be serious

Oh how I in times like these miss the police state. I'm not quite sure if the events I'm struggling with at present have anything to do with economical down turn (read complete disaster, we're going Iceland here) or whether it really is just another case of the manana attitude.

In Ireland if you're working and paying tax, you can deduct all sorts of things and receive what are known as "tax credits". So with myself having paid rent and medical bills, I thought I'd finally go and claim my money back.

It seems that my employer still hasn't sorted out my tax records for last year and it's bloody February! This basically means I can't claim anything back until I know the exact amount of tax and pay.

Also I'm STILL owed holiday pay from last year after asking her to get it sorted for the last 6 months. I'm seriously considering to ring the revenue and the union and will, if she doesn't do anything very soon. She's sitting on so much of my money, it makes me sick.

Busy

Recently I've kept myself busy with these themes:

Richard Dawkins: The Oxford professor has a very amusing but educational channel going. I specificly like the interview with a former member of the exclusive bretheren. She has some pretty sensible arguments about the effect of cult religion in the development of children. The amusing part of the channel are the life in universe lectures given for the child/teenager audience.

Thomas Nagel and "What it's like to be a bat?": Nagel brought out a theory of the mind/body dilemma in the 70s (?). It's a very good read and will definitely make one question about the duality a lot. We had a lot of good arguments against his conclusion as well.

Thucydides and the Peloponnesian War: it is extremely hard not to fall asleep while reading his account of the events but it's amazing to think how old the book is. Thucydides does not escape bias but compared to many other authors of the time, he was able to leave most of his personal opinions out.

Irish history in the 19th c. : The more I read, the less respect I have for the English at the time. I've often criticised the Irish for not having a clear plan on how to do things and how to conduct politics in the past (with the exception of Catholic Emancipation), but the English are getting their fair share of the disapproval the more I read about their bad politics towards the Irish

Bad year

It seems that my system still hasn't got used to the weather and what not here. My medicine collection for 2009 is getting pretty impressive after 2 antibiotics for an infection and loads of Lemsip for the two colds I've already had this year.

At the moment I feel ok, apart from the coughing and sneezing but I'm seriously gonna have to find a way to get myself back on track. My stomach feels really raw after digesting all this crap that was, unfortunately, necessary.

This just isn't funny anymore

The "You know you've been in Ireland for too long" thingy

Due to endless requests blocking my e-mail I will once again review the strange habits and customs of the Irish.

You know you have been in this country for too long when the following doesn't cause any disturbance or wondering of any sort:

Doors and locks - it's completely normal that your front door opens inwards, not the opposite like in Finland. Also, you might have a huge lock on the door but you could easily remove the hinges with a screwdriver.

Carpets - They are everywhere, you have begun to defend their existence in the bedrooms etc and you're completely ignoring the health risk factor.

Drinking - You're disgusted if the pint you ordered is not so full that you're spilling the drink everywhere. A pub offering only one brand of beer on tap would make you laugh. You now consider jagerbombs cocktails and think people requesting blue lagoons etc, are uptight snobs.

Personality - You no longer think it's weird if a complete stranger starts to talk to you. In fact, if you're trapped in a place with someone else, the silence which didn't bother you before, feels unbearable. You're also able to have lengthy conversations about the weather multiple times during the same day.

Food - Eating fried eggs and bacon for breakfast seems appealing. Lunch consists of sandwiches and crisps and you drink tea with your dinner. You add salt and vinegar to your fries and a batter sausage no longer reminds you of heart attacks.

I might update this at a later stage for your reading pleasure

I love love love Image

That freaky looking woman, my dear friends is the latest Finlandia book award winner

Ah the blessed Finnish journalism. I finally took a closer look at the xmas edition of Image. If you can put aside all the obvious elite shite, this piece of printed stuff is bloody genius!

I'm currently writing down a list of all the interesting stuff I found in my beloved Image, music, books and what not. I keep going "ooh aaah" while I look at the state of the art photojournalism in it.

If anyone wants to buy me a subscription, I will love you forever and be your ultimate housewhore for decades. Anyone?

Tricks

Going for a cross-country session in the near future..woo

Haven't been on a horse in a while and certainly haven't jumped any cross country in ages. Should be a good laugh. Can't wait!

A solution for the sovereign problem

Fucking simple. American Indians. The wisest, oldest and strongest man, who killed the most bears shall rule it all!

Better

Things look a bit brighter today. I finally gave in and poured some of this shit on someone else's shoulders and got some moderately good advice in return.

I also had another good conversation which truly made my day. And more to come next week, can't wait!

Trying to organise some photographing stuff too, it's proving difficult. I might just end up doing it at home.

Today has gone by fairly quietly. Watched some nostalgic movies (The Gilbert Grape thing!) and read a bit. Tomorrow will hopefully be a bit more productive.

Need for speed

Some things never change. One is my constant need for action. Where as no games make some people dull, what it does to me is the complete opposite. My mind is racing hundred miles an hour, so intense that I'm physically exhausted all the time. During those times, I try to reverse it and tire my physical side so greatly that my mind is unable to keep up. It helps sometimes but it doesn't remove the problem.

There has been way too much time to think about stuff. I feel like I'm at a junction, standing in between two or even three different directions. I've tasted a little of all of them, still unable to pick one. Today I'm going left, tomorrow it could be right.

I'm changing and I'm scared. I don't know what will become of little M. Things could end up amazingly or I could crash and burn. All I can do is wait and see